Mum not interested in me or my children

[notaclue]

I have 2DDs, 11 and 9. Since they have been born, my mum, 65 very rarely comes to see them or spend time with me/them, so ive been in this position for a long time. We live 20 miles apart so not too far away and its usually me/us that will go and see her, and she only comes to our house if I ask her to look after the children for me, which isn't very often. She is quite happy to look after them and seems to enjoy their company, but she cant wait to go home 😂

My DH says I should go non contact because it upsets me that she just doesn't bother with me, I dont hear off her for weeks. I just feel so unlucky when I see other mums and daughters/ grans and grandchildren spending time together and enjoying themselves. I feel when I go and see my mum that it us out of duty, not because I enjoy it.

My daughter has just done her last sports day in primary school and asked me why mum has never bothered to come and watch any of them. She retired 3 years ago. I felt quite sad about that.

Would like to know what others would do in my position, or does anyone have experience of this. Im not sure i can go NC because i would just feel too guilty. I'm worried that i'm turning into a selfish person because i just dont want to go and see her anymore.

Do i go NC or just ride it out and accept that this is just the way she is? TIA for any replies.

I wouldn’t go NC for this, I’d just adjust my expectations and that way you can’t be disappointed.

Unfortunately not everybody has that close relationship and it’s not something that can be forced. My parents are brilliant, couldn’t fault them. My PIL are rubbish, never really bother or text, they will see DD once every maybe 2 months and even then they request we go round with her for an hour, very low effort. For a long time my husband was upset about this, stewed on it, and eventually he accepted as I say- this is who they are. It’s who they’ve always been, they weren’t hands on parents, they didn’t care before we had kids, they don’t particularly care now.

Kids aren’t stupid, as your DD has said, they notice who is there and who isn’t. Going NC makes them not being their your fault & decision, I don’t see why you need to do that. There’s already very very little contact, and the issue is you wanting more so I don’t see how going NC would actually help you.

That sounds hard, OP.
Obviously We don’t know her, or why she is like that. Is there a possibility that she’s waiting to be asked? ( not to babysit, but to visit, to do something nice together). I know my own mum, who loves my DC, will happily join in whatever we suggest, but doesn’t want to initiate things, and seems to worry that she might be interrupting, and doesn’t want to “ bother” us. Could it be something like that, or do you think she really isn’t interested?
If it’s the latter, then I still wouldn’t go no contact, but I might reduce it in terms of regular visits and phone calls. Is your mum a selfish person generally, does she have friends and interests that she does get involved in?

If I lived 20 miles away from my child and grandchild I think I'd consider visits once or twice a month to be a reasonable amount, Taking turns to do the travelling.

How often are you seeing her exactly?

Do you ask her over for dinner or to spend time with you all as a family , not just asking her to babysit ? I can’t see any benefit of going NC when your issue with her is that you don’t see her enough. You would be biting your nose off to spite your face in that scenario. Have you ever spoken to her about how you feel ? I’d start on that and take it from there .

I have a similar situation with my mum. It used to really upset me, especially when the dc were younger and I would see so many doting Nans on school pick up etc.

But then I began to reframe it. Decided to stop all expectations and simply accept her for who she is. That way, I am never disappointed and I can still maintain a reasonable relationship with her.

Thanks so much for your replies. No I havent spoken to her about it, i should but I'm too much of a coward and cant be bothered to cause any conflict. I do ask her over other than to look after the girls, sometimes she is busy which is fine, i'm glad she has a social life as she does live on her own.

I think going NC would be a bit extreme actually. My DH would find it easy but I wouldn't. She hasn't done anything awful to me, just doesn't bother with me. I dont see why it should be me always texting/visiting though. I'd like to think when im a grandparent that i would like to see my GC as often as I could. Glad to know im not the only one in this situation. My MIL is amazing so we are very lucky we have her, she is more of a mum to me than my own mum.

I think I will just accept this is the way it is and keep my expectations low. Its sad because she is missing out on so much and I would love it if she would even just text sometimes and ask how we are! I think she is just a little bit wrapped up in her own life.

Really good to get some outside perspectives.

Did she ever say greet you warmly or ask how your day was when you were a dc?

A good number of nans you see at pick up have been arm twisted by their daughters. Don’t be deceived.

Don't listen to your DH OP! If she does occasionally babysit for you then that's a positive thing that many mums don't get at all. Not all Grandparents are all that bothered about being involved. That's just life sadly. She's raised her kids (you) and maybe that's just how she feels. rightly or wrongly. I get it's hard for you though 💐

I agree with your DH: maybe not in going full NC (I have my qualms about it and ultimately it is a very difficult path and a kind of last resort for people who need it). But I do think you should seek counselling for coming to terms with the fact that your mother is, at best, emotionally unavailable. And start disengaging with her, limit your contact to very few and prepared situations.

I am nc with my parents and it is quite liberating, but it has to be your decision and not your DH's. Remember when you see all the involved gps that they will have a negative side - we don't have to deal with any of the conflicts that get mentioned on here all the time and that's quite a relief.

I would however be less willing to put in the travel effort as that's harder work with young dc, so if she wants to see them she should make the effort. I think it's healthy to choose to spend your time doing the things you enjoy, not out of duty.

Your mom has already raised her kids and now being retired doesn’t mean her entire life is about you and your offspring.

If you want her to come to things then invite her. She has a right to decline.

I’d only go non contact if there’s other stuff going on.
It is what it is - she really doesn’t want the hassle.
I would see it for what it is and match her energy. Adopt the ‘let them’ strategy. Just stop inviting her, stop imagining she might want to come, stop feeling and ruminating. If it makes the children sad, just explain that everyone is different.

Going NC should really be the last resort and just because your dm doesn't make you the centre of her life doesn't seem a good enough reason. She is there when asked! I have 2gc with one on the way by my eldest 2dd. I hardly ever see my gs and very rarely communicate with dd2. It's not because I don't love them, I'm just not that comfortable with WhatsApp etc and dd2 is so busy I would probably ring at the wrong time. She also lives about 20 miles from me. I've just come back from babysitting him. Dd2 and her dh have a full life without me and that's fine. I see more and communicate more with dd1 and gd even though they live over 100 miles away. I think they just accept that that's me ( probably nd) but they know I would drop everything if they need me.

Have you actually invited her along to things like sports day etc? I'm not a grandma but trying to put myself in her shoes I might feel a bit awkward just turning up or inviting myself to 'parents' occasions like school events.

And I really don't like sports days! Dd3 had hers last week and her df went - she came first in 100m and long jump. She's 17 and I'm so over sports days! I think she'd rather we didn't go any more as none of her friends parents go but exdh insists!

My DM never rings me.. I have to ring her.. never sends a birthday card or anything … brothers get all of the attention and love (3 of them in the only girl)
we’re an inconvenience to my MIL… she’s more interested in telling us that her neighbour has done something… really disappointed when kids were younger but just ignore it now.
did try to change things when kids were little but now kids are adults, I just contact them both once a month to check they are alive.
We won’t be sucked into helping when they are older (both late seventies)
just grin and bear it and rejoice in the times they are interested in you!

I’m not terribly keen on children other than my own (now early 20s). One of mine doesn’t want kids and the other has health problems that makes them unlikely but I do worry that I’m not going to be a very interested grandparent if it does happen. I will still be interested in and want to see my kids (unlike my own mother). I’ve seen very few grandparents at kid’s events over the years so that doesn’t seem a problem. I prefer them the older they get so perhaps she’ll have more of a relationship when they’re grown.

She’s not really doing anything wrong, it’s just not the relationship you wanted. She babysits for you. We always visited grandparents at their home and always now visit my mum at home with the kids, my parents have never came to sports day either. I can’t imagine wanting to do that after 16 years of going to my own children’s school stuff, unless she’s being mean why would you ever go no contact?

??? you expect too much.

Have you ever explained what your expectations were? Or what your children's expectations were? (Eg DD was disappointed that you didn't come along on sports day, cos three other little friends had their Nanas there). Do you tell your DDs that Nana is busy, or do you say stuff like yeah it's a real shame she wasn't there - as in, are you setting them up for disappointment? Did they invite her along? You need to be the one managing their expectations of another person. They need to know that sometimes they're not the Main Character (nicely, obviously, but necessary)

Otherwise, I think your standards for what she should be doing are too high. She's not mind reader and likely has no idea you feel this way.

You need to tell her or - just accept the boundaries she has set. Maybe she doesn't want to be more involved. Maybe she's happy with where things are at. But currently she doesn't know you are not happy. If you go NC, she will be the one posting on MN about how her daughter went NC out of the blue, after all the support she gave her and boundary respecting that she did, etc, etc

As an aside, my DM died when my first was 1, my DD lives two hour flight away, PIL are long haul flights away. We just manage on our own, our kids manage, life would be different IF - but it isn't and that's ok.

My DH came to only 1 sports day! He worked in London long hours at the time and couldn't really get away. GPs never came despite living 20 mins away. Think some people expect too much from GP these days.

My mum is a not very good mother or grandmother.
I am about to be a grandma and am going to be so different. It’s sad op.

And lots of them absolutely love being with their grandchildren too.

Have you ever invited your mum to sports day etc? I kind of get where you are both coming from. Your mum is alone and has had to forge a social life which does not revolve around you and your DC. As a retired GM myself I know I could fill every day with activities or maybe she is feeling her age and slowing down a bit? I wouldn’t go NC as that seems ridiculous when you are saying you want her to spend more time with you all. Maybe she doesn’t want to impose and feels you are too busy to have time for her?

I think you should have a conversation and ask if she is happy with the amount of time you spend together.