Sleep / co sleeping situation on holiday, age 3/5

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Hoping to hear that this isn’t completely abnormal or at least some sympathy.

Returned from holiday abroad, children age 3 and 5. I couldn’t get them to sleep in the bedroom alone. I ended up co sleeping with them both, DH alone in other room. (2 bedrooms)

DH mentioned this over and over. Kids stayed up late with entertainment etc. then I ended up falling asleep with them. DH did switch beds after 3 nights so I wasn’t ending up sleeping between 2 single beds… however he was still irritated about it all as it went on. I did try to leave them, but it is just easier to stay in one place as I get the most sleep. He did not offer to have one child with him.

At home, older child sleeps on own fine in her room. Younger one is still hit and miss and I often co sleep still, from the middle of the night, not from the start.

What is your sleep situation when holidaying abroad? is this normal or have I done something wrong here and failed my children?

I do feel slightly bad about DH ending up alone, but also irritated at him at the same time, for not helping getting them to sleep. I also have some mild anxiety about not hearing them cry at night or them wandering around somewhere they don’t know when away.

DH seems more concerned about not having s3x… but think that may be another topic… any words of advice welcome.

Of course you've done nothing wrong! Is 'D'H always so selfish? We always slept with a DC each on holiday until quite recently. At home they've always been welcome to sleep with us if they're feeling anxious at all as well. DD(9) still does occasionally. DS(12) hasn't got a couple of years now and we miss the cuddles!

A secure attachment is the best foundation for confidence and independence.

Dh not a team player then

Mine are a little bit younger than yours.

We tend to have holidays where we don't stay in the same place for more than a couple of nights.

Last year we had one night in a big bell tent on a glamping site, where we all ended up sleeping together with the children in the middle. Then we had three nights in a caravan, where the children started the night in their bedroom together but we invariably ended up with me in the big bed with our youngest and him in one of the single beds in the children's room. Then we had three nights in a big house where our youngest had a cot in our bedroom but she ended up coming into our bed most nights. Then an another caravan where we ended up sleeping with the kids again. I don't think we had a single night without one or both of the kids sleeping with us.

I think it's just part of this season of life, to be honest.

It's the same at home. We do have sex but it needs to be before our youngest inevitably wakes up and we play musical beds.

Your husband isn't unreasonable to want to have sex, and this is something you should make time for in your relationship. But if the reason you're not having sex is because you're tired all the time, he could probably improve the situation by taking on more of the night wakes.

I would also add that since our two year old doesn't yet sleep all through the night in her own room at home with her brother, and sometimes her brother (4) has a nightmare and needs to come in with one of us at night, we have zero expectation that they will sleep through the night independently on holiday in a strange environment. So we just factor this in when choosing holiday accommodation, to keep them as close to us as possible.

We stayed in a Crowne Plaza hotel recently which was brilliant because it had a massive super king size bed and a an armchair which converted to a single bed. So we had DD in with us and DS in his little single bed just a metre or so away.

You just do what ever works on holiday... I only have one child, but we have stayed away quite a lot on road trips and when visiting each other's family in different parts of the world. If possible, a hotel/venue has a perfect set-up, and your child loves it, and sleeps perfectly. But at this age, often that doesn't happen, and you just deal with it.

My opinion has always been that you aren't at home, so routine isn't that important. Just do what ever will give you all the most sleep/easiest time as a group.

We've slept in all sorts of combinations/arrangements, some comfortable.. some less so.. but whatever gives us sleep in a new environment, so we can enjoy our holiday, is fine.

It has never impacted the sleep routine/set-up at home.

Mine sleep in their own beds on holiday, same as at home. When they were younger I’d allow for bedtime taking a bit longer than it would normally due to the unfamiliar environment especially on the first night, and that maybe one of us would need to sit with them until they fell asleep which we wouldn’t do normally at home. Cosleeping is just not for us. But I know lots of families that would have done what you did to maximise sleep. There’s no right or wrong so long as everyone is well rested! I think your issue is that you and DH aren’t on the same page at all re sleeping arrangements, he obviously feels quite strongly that they should be in their own beds, but despite this he can’t be arsed to actually practically implement this by doing bedtime himself. That would have me going right off holiday sex if I’m being honest!

Thank you - I really appreciate these comments and views. I think there are deeper issues. The comment about DH not being a team player I feel sort of sums it up. But I can never criticise as he works hard earning £… it’s just become how it is, that he works and I (also work, but very flexibly) but I look after the children, they don’t want him to put them to bed, because he mostly doesn’t put them to bed at home. His main concern for when I book a holiday is to have 2 bedrooms, as he doesn’t want us all in the same room.. where as I would be fine with that, obviously.

It feels like he was looking around at all the other families here thinking they all have “normal” children who sleep independently, which is just not how it is.

The season of life is how I see it too, and I’ll be sad when they don’t want to sleep in with me! And yes, the tiredness thing is an issue, because night wakings and my DH = not ever something he has dealt with.

His main concern for when I book a holiday is to have 2 bedrooms, as he doesn’t want us all in the same room.. where as I would be fine with that, obviously.

It's all very well booking two bedrooms, but you can't guarantee that your children will actually sleep in the second bedroom. He needs to understand that children aren't robots and their need for comfort and closeness at night, particularly in an unfamiliar environment. Their needs don't go away just because your husband wants to have sex on holiday.

In this scenario I’d probably take the 2 kids in with a parent in the double bed and the other parent in a single bed. But I’m an “anything for sleep” type of parent

We always have musical beds on holiday! Whatever gets us the most sleep is what we do.

So pathetic. It’s okay to want sex but sometimes in life there are more important things, like sleep and settled kids. He should have helped out more, why couldn’t you alternate it each night?

Holidays should be enjoyable. I’d be happy to sleep wherever got us all the most sleep. I think fair enough if your dh wants to share a bed with only you on holiday. He can put the kids to bed and do the settling back to sleep all night and then return to sleep with you. And no lie ins or naps just because he missed out on nighttime sleep by choosing the harder option.

Our youngest routinely slept with us at home some nights until 5 (older one til about 4, when we had her brother). So yes, definitely on holiday sometimes one or both of us would sleep with a child to get the most sleep. Many a night 6’5 Dh has spent crammed into a bunk bed with one of them. 😂 Because it’s better than us being up all night on holiday. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Agree with this.

We always book places with separate rooms and yes the kids do sleep in their own room and it is fine.

But the difference is that neither of us wants to cosleep, both of us find that a miserable experience and we have both put in the work to get our children sleeping independently

You have two issues:

One is that you don't agree - you don't think it's important and would be happy to share

Two that he isn't willing to share the work of making it happen

He's a knob and a sex pest. Tell him to fuck off.

Just got back from Hols with 3 young children we both bed hopped all week as they were unsettled in an unfamiliar place . Different bed / smell / temperature.
your husbands a prick if he can’t go a week without sex and be arsey with you

Totally normal

The kids needed to sleep.

Your DH sounds deluded

We only have one. She coslept with me both at home and on holiday till about 2.5, nearly 5 now and mostly sleeps in her own bed but one of us usually has to resettle her at some point in the night and very occasionally end up sleeping in her room.

For holidays now we will all stay in the same room in a hotel - with her in a single but yes occasionally some other combination will happen where one of us gets in the single and she gets in the big bed with the other one. If self catering/ caravan she will usually sleep in her own room but again we just do what’s needed at the time.

Honestly we’re less likely to have sex on holiday than at home - am sure that will change as she gets older but the current practicalities make it that way and we’re both just ok with it.

It’s not for me. I like my own bed and bedroom on holiday just as I have at home, and 3 year old in his own bed. But of course it can take longer to do bedtime on holiday. It’s totally new to them and they’re in a strange place that’s not their own home.

Your husband is being an idiot. It’s absolutely fine for bedtime routines to be completely up in the air on holiday. That’s life with young kids. What does he know about how all the other families are in the privacy of their own rooms at night? That’s a weird comment for him to make.

I suspect this is about much more than just the co sleeping.

We aren’t a co-sleeping family, never have been except perhaps once a year for bad illness. So for us everyone would have eventually slept in their own bed.

However, in a scenario with two children who aren’t sleeping my DH would 1. be right there to share half the workload 2. Suggest the parent sleeping with the child/children takes the bigger bed. 3. Suggest a daytime nap or break for the non-sleeping parent.

Doesn’t sound as if your DH added much more than additional annoyance to the scenario

Honestly, it's actually easier if they're fine with sharing a bed.

I don't have a DP any more, so when we go on holiday, even though DCs are 15 and 11, we can take a single hotel room, and depending on who has annoyed who more, or if the room has singles/doubles/sofa bed they're all happy to share with each-other/me (the only line I draw is I will not sleep in the middle between the two of them, because they both snuggle up and I'm not able to roll over and can't sleep/wake up achy from not moving.

YADNBU. Little ones get disturbed and need some company. He should have pitched in and shared the bed with them instead perhaps, or worked with them on feeling comfortable (at that age mine preferred to share a double than have a single each)

DH is a prat. I totally understand your mild anxiety at night - completely normal I'd say. So many male animals men seem to want to prioritise their sex lives over the safety of their children.

I wouldn't like to go on holiday with my imaginary husband and kids and then sleep alone and not have any sex at all, but I'd help with bedtime to ensure that didn't happen