I feel like I’ve lost control of my 12yo

[stripeysockrock]

Since starting secondary school in September he’s been spiralling. He never ‘loved’ school but now he loathes it. He’s always in detention now yet his behaviour was never an issue in the past.

He’s angry, self-harming and disengaged.

Nothing we do works. Talking to him results in him shouting. He hates me, hates his dad etc etc

He’s having counselling but it’s ‘boring’, as is everything else. He feels abandoned by friends from primary as new friendships formed.

I just don’t know where to start now.

Any advice? I’m mourning my sweet little boy. I love him so much but this is hard!

My daughter started big school this year and I think it is the same for most kids. The friendships they have disappear as lots of new personalities appear. I think it is really unsettling. Can he join a group away from school where he has different friends so he always has them to rely on for friendship?
I think a lot of kids keep their cards close to their chest when they get to this age. Try and chat calmly. I chat on the way to school with my daughter about who she is friends with etc. she did go through an unusual naughty few weeks but thankfully she pulled through. Give him a break, it’s a really tough year. Try and reconnect somehow and make life a little easier here and there to help him cope as he clearly isn’t currently.

Does he have sen? Is he struggling academically? Has he ever been assessed for anything?

In the meantime I would go for equine therapy if you can do it. The talking isn't working, so try something else.

No SEN. I don’t think he is ND in any way. He’s OK academically if he applies himself, but thinks everything is boring.

I had never considered anything like equine therapy before. You could be right about thinking outside the box, thank you both.

I think you need to unpick this. Has he got friends. Is he in the right sets. Is he a free spirit in a strict school etc?

Set a routine for when at home. Tell him you will sit and discuss a routine (when he is well fed, watered and not tired. Set the routine together.
For example Routine: come home, get changed, snack drink, then help you with dinner - one to one attention, immediate reward and achievement for him, respect for you, time together etc etc.

screen times: negotiate: ie will it be 2 hours of TV max weekdays ? (No YouTube, ideally no screens in bedroom) Gaming fri and sat Eves if behaved ?
no phone use. Phones stay in the kitchen.
after school clubs: what does he like ?
what about food and drink? Not too much sugar etc ?
at that age I would take my son out anywhere just to get out - until he met some friends and they went to the park
lots of hormones at work age 12 - they need a lot of input it’s hard work !!! Good luck !!

Ps they do change friends at this age and they do form new groups - it is a hard age - get out as much as you can

In fact I recall I would drag him out to the supermarket - ask him to help me load the car - making him useful - this age they can cut the lawn, weed, wash the car. Will he go for a run with you ? If not have excuses lined up for plenty of long walks - gone are the 80s sadly when they were all out and about - but it gets heaps and heaps easier BUT please spend this time with them lots and reinforcing your expectations - it’s all worth it to see the wonderful young man he will become

Is this school a good fit for him? He sounds miserable.