To want a second baby but dread the first year

[Tireddddddd]

Apologise for the long post! Hoping to find some advice from mums on the same boat.

DD is 14 months old, finally feel like myself again (or as close as I’ll probably ever get 🤣) and DH and I have found our groove again, not just sexually but in general after the fog of postpartum.

DH and I keep going back and forth about trying for a second now or waiting for another year. I am adamant I do not want an autumn/winter baby as I know I’m at risk of PND, and I personally found having a baby in the spring did wonders for my mental health.
Therefore we’d have to either start trying now or wait a whole year.

We would both love to have a second baby and complete our family, love the idea of a 2 year age gap and knowing we will be done with baby years sooner rather then later. But equally feel soooo incredibly lazy to start again and go through the newborn trenches. We struggled a lot and quite frankly I think we’re both a bit scared still! Not to mention going through the first year with a baby + a 2 year old in tow.

Not sure what the point of my post is really… maybe to see if anyone else is on the same boat and if so, any arguments for/against trying now vs waiting a year?

any mummy wisdom very appreciated xxx

My second one was a doddle, slept through before her older brother did (in real time) and was a really easy baby. I know you can’t pick which type you’ll get but just wanted to assure you that you might have a calmer experience with no2.

14 months is when they get you, by being extra cute and charming. I think it's evolutionary, to trick you into having another one. Having said that, we got really lucky with DC2 who was a very easy baby and spent most of his time asleep, so the newborn stage doesn't have to be as hard.

I think the first year with a baby is always pretty shit, but at least with a second you already know that, so it’s not as bad. Our second is actually a really easy baby, sleeps well, eats well, but the first year was still hard. Our age difference is just under three years. Honestly, I would just get it done and look forward to being out the other side!

Do you mean the first 25 years? 🤣

I had a 3 year gap between baby 1 and baby 2. It was GREAT I would totally recommend. DC1 was potty trained, could put own shoes on etc. followed all instructions. It wasn’t more than 3 years. if you’d asked me when dc1 was 14 months I would have laughed you out the house. I wasn’t ready. I’m glad I waited til I got my sanity back a bit

Our second is just about to turn one and it has been the hardest year of my life, no question. All depends what kind of baby you get of course (we had two bad sleepers but the second one didnt take a dummy, refused bottles, was very screamy and colicky and it nearly broke me). That and a 2.5 year old….. its a lot. Finally turning a corner now but I found people who said things along the lines of ‘the second one just slots in and goes along for the ride’ and ‘its nowhere near as bad as the shock of having a first’ were way off the mark tbh.

I adore her and no regrets but my god the first year with two was hideous.

TTC my second currently and I think it’ll be much easier now that my first will be at least 4 yo. I don’t know completely as I don’t have two yet but before now I couldn’t even think about it as like you I would have dreaded the first year but you never know how you will truly feel until baby is here. Maybe wait a couple of months and see how the idea sits with you both in say August? I’d write a list of pros and cons and think about them
for a while x

I agree with this. IMO a 3 year gap is much easier in the first few years. There are lots of pros to a 2 year gap, but I think that comes later. If you have found the first year tough and are at risk of PND, I would prioritise your wellbeing and wait a while.

It took until my daughter was 3 to feel ready to try again after an absolutely horrendous first year and pretty bad second year. It the took some counselling to feel ready to try again and take on a similar situation to the first time around. What we settled on was the same may happen but we aren't the same and learnt so much. I had severe pnd and spent 10 weeks in a mother and baby unit and my daughter had a difficult time with silent reflux and food allergies. We had two miscarriages last year but am now 25 weeks and will have a 5 year age gap. I think the situation has worked out for us. I've hyperemesis in my pregnancies and my daughter has been old enough to understand mummy doesn't feel well and needs to rest. She'll be in school when baby arrives so I'll have 6h a day where I don't have 2 to parent. I'm glad we waited for a second because it's really given me the time to grow and heal from our traumatic time.
When is the right time to conceive is personal but one thing I would caution is trying to plan conception around the ideal time of year for a newborn. I first conceived seconds cycle after coming off contraception. I would have had a March baby, it took é months to conceive the next time which would have been July. I was fortunate to conceive immediately after that loss due in September so I've gone from a spring newborn to an autumn newborn during my conception journey. You can plan all you want but mother nature has other ideas. There's no guarantee that once you start trying that you'll conceive in the timeframe for a spring baby and there's no guarantee that if you do that pregnancy will make the distance

I'd prefer a 3 year age gap. A 2 year gap is intense and I don't think the minor benefits outweigh how hard it will be.

It's not just about having a 2 year old and a newborn. But also a 3 year old and 1 year old. Let that sink in for a bit......

Bigger age gap of 5 years but I've found my second baby much easier than my first.
DS was a massive shock to the system, in every way.
With DD, I've felt I know what I'm doing this time round, knew exactly what to expect and have honestly enjoyed it much more.

Just under 2 year age gap here. It’s been tough! I’d say from DC2 being around 10 months, things started to get a little easier but those early days were intense. I’d echo what a PP said about not really being able to plan the time of year though.

Thank you all for your honesty and for sharing your experiences. Some food for thought here for sure!
we have agreed to give it a couple months and revisit the conversation in August x