Tit for Tat battle

[Stripe89]

My husband calls looking after our 3yr old as ‘giving up his day.’
He is never the sole carer and I am always the default parent every day. I cherish my time with my child, know time goes by quickly and try to not let it get to me.

Yes, he does pick up and drop off occasionally in the week, but I am the default for everything. Bedtimes, making dinner, weekends , mornings, bath times etc.

I work 3 days per week. On Mondays I look solely after our 3 yr old ( which I don’t feel at all is ‘giving up my day.’ )

On Tuesdays I do drop off and pick up, but I have a few hours to then do the house and life admin, for example dentist, hair , anything like that, I would need to do on that day, which I do).

My husband always comes back at me that I have Tuesdays. That is the reason I am meant to be the default every other time.

I rarely go out with friends or family on my own as it would mean asking him to be with our daughter, and would result in an argument. If I do try ever to do anything, I would arrange a babysitter.

He once looked after our child when he got me a weekend away for my bday, but has used it against me ever since, when any time an argument like this comes up. He saw it as ‘giving up his weekend.’

I get sad about this and raise it with him, but he states as he works full time, that that justifies it. He has started to wfh , self employed, and does have flexibility to go to gym.

I have always been mindful the he works full time, and have never been one to hand the baby over at 7pm so to speak, as like he says, ‘he works.’ I would never hold him back if he wanted to go to the gym , see friends etc as I don’t want to be like that.

If I even bring up time to myself other than the Tuesday, he then moans we are doing ‘tit for tat’ (as he calls it) that creates an argument , and gets nowhere.

If I want to do things like go to gym or anything else he says I should do it on Tuesdays. There is never a day where I know he is the one ‘ in charge’ for example bedtimes , mornings. It always falls on me and only if I ask , maybe he will do it.

He states he doesn’t want a shared calendar as doesn’t want our life to be diarised. But I would just like to think that maybe 1day a month he was the one taking charge and I could dip in and out like he does, without having to ask if I can go for a walk or to the gym etc.

What do others feel about this? He always seems to justify himself as to why it’s ok, and makes me feel like I should be so lucky, which I am, I love my life, but get so down about this ‘battle.’

I think I would end it tbh and then you may actually get some free time. He’s being a completely selfish wanker.

He is lording it over you, it’s a power play.

What was your relationship like before you had children? I mean is this a sudden change from what you thought it would be like? Does your husband earn significantly more than you? This doesn’t make it ok but I’m trying to work out why he would think you should feel lucky 🤣Are there any cultural differences ?

Agree with PP sounds like a power play and he certainly doesn’t see you as equals, and doesn’t feel like he has any responsibility as a father. What would be most upsetting to me apart from having no spare time for 6 days a week is that.

1. he doesn’t care that you’re tired / need a break - he doesn’t seem to care for your emotional / mental well-being at all

2. he doesn’t want to spend time with his child. How does he expect to build a bond if he’s not ever doing anything with your child

I’m not usually “leave the bastard” girlee but I for me this would not be sustainable. FWIW I have just returned to work 4 days a week - o have a long commute so my husband (also works full time - 3 days wfh 2 days office) will be doing every pick up and drop off for the first couple of months until I move closer to home. I play a hobby once / twice a week and DH has to do bedtime during these times. I have just returned from a 3 day work trip where DH did everything outside of nursery and GPs for one day. If your husband respected you and valued you more he would allow you to make time for yourself. If you don’t want to continue living like this you need to really enforce some boundaries and changes now and please do not have any more children with him until this has been resolved

I'm a sahm and my DH works full time. If he tries to pull what your husband is doing he'd be out so fast his feet wouldn't touch the floor. He's 50% that kids parent so really should be 50% parenting. He sounds like a complete twat, sorry

What a fucking pathetic excuse for a father and a husband.

I’d tell him to go fuck himself and go it alone OP.

He commits to time with his child or it’s over. Straight up. He’ll have to put a shift in when he’s got DC EOW. He’s treating you like hired help!

Well, isn't he prince among men, viewing parenting his child as giving up his day. Hmmmm

So sad for you and your child. God almighty, did he even want a child? He should cherish the time he gets to spend with him.

His come back is always ‘ well if he was in the office 5 days a week , like he used to be, then he wouldn’t be around to do any pick ups/ drop offs. That is why ‘I am lucky.’

And talks about our dad’s generation not doing all this.
Whenever I mention 50/50 , he says well go and work 50%, go and earn 50% of my salary etc etc and dismisses the idea.
Thing is I’m not even asking for 50/50, just would like to know occasionally I can just go out without it being a ‘thing’.
I do look at other parents/ Dad’s, but am told to stop comparing.
In answer to another question, we didn’t ever really sit down and talk about how it would all work. When I try to talk about it now, it’s classed as: 🙄‘ not baby admin again.’

He talks like you and your child are an utter burden and a bore to him.