I’m finding this whole life so hard at the moment

[Isitsupposedtobethishard1]

Please be kind. I’m feeling so down and I need to get it out and hoping someone can relate. I’m early 40s, my DC is 3. Me and my husband both work full time compressed hours and don’t have any help. That’s fine; it was our decision to have a child but because we’ve compressed we both work long hours and have a day off each in the week with her. She’s at nursery the other three as is an angel at nursery!
The last month or two has been so tough as she is becoming so defiant, wants all her own way, wants to do every but herself which is also great but it leads to more tantrums, she’s having meltdowns and now she won’t even go to sleep in her own room or wants to sleep late. She’s gone from chilled to not. We are persevering with trying to put her back in her room but she’s just screaming all the time. She’s not poorly, she just wants to be in our room.

ive been poorly recently as I also have a healing condition which has been flaring. Work is tough. DH works shifts so a lot falls to me, it’s not his fault and he pulls his weight when he’s not at work but we are just flat out exhausted to deal with this constantly.

I feel like since having a child I’ve completely let myself go. I’m completely ashamed to say I never went back to pre pregnancy weight. I have put weight back on and I’m near enough back to the weight when I was nearly full term. I’m disgusting and I’m too exhausted to even eat right. Before I had my DD I found dieting so easy. Why is it so hard.

sitting here in tears and I also feel guilty because I do love being a mum, but I’m finding it so tough right now. Will I ever get me back and will my daughter ever sleep properly again?

You poor love, you sound exhausted and a tad defeated right now! My DTs were absolute arseholes at 2&3, it was like a light switch being flicked as they became rather lovely again when they turned 4. It’s perfectly normal to not enjoy every single second of parenting amazing, but in time, it will pass. It’s just one day/hour/minute at a time until it happens.

Give yourself a break, you’re doing brilliantly. I promise, it will get easier, you’ve just got to hang on in there until it does. With your weight, it sounds like you’re giving yourself a really hard time about it, you are not disgusting!

I think 3 is a tricky age, full of wanting to be independent and if you are tired, not in good health and working long hours it will be tough. Like me you are also an older mum and its hard work!. Work out how to reduce your load, reduce your hours at work? Get a cleaner? Hello fresh?

This won't be forever, but you need to stick to your guns. Keep her in her own room, but stay with her until she falls asleep and then go to bed yourself and give yourself a break.

Aw OP I really felt for you reading this. The becoming defiant, wanting things her own way etc is all part of testing boundaries and finding her way. I promise it's a phase and you will come out the other side. My DD is a happy and chilled child but I definitely remember her going through this when she was 3.

With the sleeping in her own room, does she stay in her room if you or DH stay in the room with her?

Re getting back to pre pregnancy weight, is there anyway you could start incorporating some exercise into your day? Like walking to places instead of using the car or a workout/yoga video on YouTube? I'm not sure what your job is and your hours but could you do something during a lunch break? Even if it just a walk for 30 mins?

Please be kind to yourself. Being a mum is lovely but it is also so very hard with everything else in life to juggle x

Hang in there! You are doing a really tricky bit now but you will get through it!

Maybe you are one and done, but FWIW DS1 was like this and absolutely exhausting. Subsequent children were a walk in the park after that which gave me a huge shock as I thought DS1 was standard!

You are doing great x

This sounds like pretty normal three year old behaviour. Hang in there OP, it will get easier!

I know it's not for everyone, but letting my children sleep in my bed saved my sanity (and they seem more regulated from it).

My 4 year old mainly chooses to sleep in his own room now, but my 2 year old is in with me every night. I think they can really benefit from being close to you at night, or even just from knowing they can come through if they want. Plus you don't have to do the constant back and forth returning them to bed in the night 🤷‍♀️.

3 year olds can be really tough but everything is easier after a good nights sleep.

Its hard.

The behaviour is pretty normal stuff from your dd but you do sound overwhelmed.

Given the compressed hours I think there's no reason you and your dh shouldn't be able to get some "alone time" with d
some planning.
It only takes one of you to put her to bed - one night a week each maybe go to the gym / a walk / whatever.

And or / give each other 2 hours in the day at the weekend (one of you.takes her to the park thenother chils out/ goes out)

For us, I go out wed and dh does tue each week.
We have 2 (baby and toddler) so go out 8-10.

I think you should look how you can carve out at a gym or exercise (couch to 5km? Parkrun?) Not specifically for weightloss but just to help how you feel about yourself (body and head)

I am at my prepregnancy weight FINALLY but my body is a completely different lessgood shape. My focus has been much more based on health vs skinniness.
I recommend frozen veg and veg steam packs they are ££ but I eat thrm way more readily then prepping fresh veg and it helped with weight loss (adding volume)

The struggle is real though. I think about my.hair far too much these days
I barely gave it a second thought pre-kids

Also I would start doing dates / date night with your DH again... sometimes we do day dates as child care is easier.

Get a camp bed and put it in your room, then she can come in to you if she wants- she will grow out of it, but in the end everyone needs sleep- its normal for young children to want to sleep with their parents, its not the end of the world. Her own way- give her choices- we can do this, or we can do this etc, makes them feel like they are making their own decisions but in a controlled way. The weight, I don't think any of us were at our best when we had babies and toddlers! Don't stress about it, it will come off as you get more sleep and are less stressed - and once ur DD hits 4/5 it will be much better and it will be less shit. Hang in there, ur doing fab :)

On the sleep thing, I would second those who say don’t bother with a battle about who sleeps where. Either put a mattress for yoursekf in her room so you can cal asleep there if that helps her, or a mattress in your room for her if that works better. As someone who’s been there and wasted way too much time and energy on it, just do whatever gets everyone the most sleep. Threenagers (your little one!) can be such hard work… Patience, patience, patience, explaining and gentle but firm boundaries are the way forward. Don’t try to rush her as I found that made everything worse. Slow right down if you can. Work out what actually matters in terms of what she’s arguing about. Good luck! This age can be a handful !!

Im so sorry. I’ve been there & not too dissimilar situation since having our second last year. Weight is ballooning by the day. A few things I wanted to say….

1. working compressed hours seems to be the worst option as it hits you hard doing long days, toddler sees less of you on those days which must be hard, and you never get a break. Could you both drop to 80% and then atleast be able to have a normal lunch break and some time in the evening to relax / cook / exercise? Money isn’t the be all and end all and once you drop the pay you’ll get used to it eventually.
2. the weight loss. I’ve nothing but empathy as I’m in the exact same boat. The only thing that has worked for me is not having brekkie till 9.30/10 each day. So basically intermittent fasting. And then I don’t really think about what I eat the rest of the time.
3. bedtimes sound like a problem which is totally normal. My 4 year old still needs company in the night. Can you get a double in her room and ride the wave by taking it in turns to go in with her when she wakes? It won’t be forever and once you start to claw some sleep back other things will fall into place. Sleep deprivation is the worst.
4. defiant behaviour- unfortunately you’re in the thick of it at this age. My DD was the same, still not fully through the woods but she’s defo improving now she can articulate herself better. But it’s definitely been the most challenging age. We find getting out the house as much as possible to help somewhat. But it’s defo not a walk in the park….

you’re going your best under really stressful circumstances. So much of parenting is a total slog and not fun at all. I think it’s important to remember that parenting early years mostly isn’t fun, and if you can find flashes of joy in between then you’re doing ok. As there are two of you and one of her, try to swap in at weekends and give each other a half day of time to yourself. It will work wonders. All the best x