How do I get my baby to sleep in the next-to-me? Please help

[HorseMadODP]

I’m a first time mum and my little boy is 9 weeks old. I know everyone warns against it but we have been co sleeping for the past 5 weeks as my baby will not settle in the next-to-me cot. Initially my partner and I were alternating naps as baby would only sleep being held for the first couple of weeks. We were combination feeding upto 6 weeks and he is now exclusively formula fed. He will sleep 7-8 hours whilst co sleeping but in the next-to-me we are lucky to get 20mins. We tend to all go to bed together at 10pm ish and he will sleep through till 5-6am ish.

I am just worried that I am doing something wrong and hindering his development as everyone keeps telling me he should be in the next-to-me. I want to do the best for him. He has a bed time routine of bath, sleeping bag and bottle which he seems to enjoy.

We have the white noise machine and I have tried putting him down awake and asleep both with equal failure. I have tried lining the next-to-me with my top to make it smell of me also.

I am happy to co-sleep but my partner wants me to get him to sleep in the next-to-me so we can have a bit of down time together. I also don’t want to make a rod for my own back when it comes to transitioning him into his own room in the future.

Sorry for the long story and I appreciate you reading this far and taking the time to answer. Em x

If co-sleeping is working, I’d keep doing it.

I never had a next to me, but I did have a normal cot sidecared to my bed (no side between us). 9 weeks is still very little, but eventually I could lie down next to them, in the cot with me in the bed, while they went to sleep then I could slink away. Otherwise rock to sleep and try to slowly transfer.

It just takes practice and gets easier when they are a bit older. Don’t worry about this making a rod for your own back bullshit. Children sleep how they sleep. You can’t break them just by not enforcing some regimen at the right time. I co-slept with all of mine until they just magically slept all night in their own beds. No stress, little missed sleep, was very easy.

If you are happy to co-sleep and your partner isn’t, I’d hand over bedtimes to your partner and let him do the work of it while you relax downstairs. After a few nights, he will change his tune. At the moment, you’re doing the bulk of the caregiving and I’d assume any nighttime waking (be warned, it’s a easy period for sleep right now, they start night waking again usually from 4 months). If you’re doing the work, your sleep is the priority. You have years ahead of you for time as a couple.

Thank you for your reply. I just don’t want to be doing anything wrong and it’s hard to know what is right and wrong when everyone around me has an opinion. I usually keep it a secret that we co-sleep as I don’t want to see the looks on peoples face’s when I tell them haha

I am in exactly the same position as you. I have a 6 week old and currently Co sleep with her but partner keeps saying I need to put her in the next to me crib. I would love to have the bed to ourselves but right now I’m getting more sleep while she sleeps with me. I’m struggling mentally and I know the less Sleep I get the more it will affect me negatively.
we need to do what we feel is best in our hearts and go with it xxx

Most parents do take their baby into bed at some point though. As long as you’re following the safe ned sharing guidelines then it’s safe.

If I was now doing the baby stage again I would co sleep to ensure myself longer stretches of sleep to be able to get through the day time better. I honestly don’t think it’s going to cause any issues to your baby later on if you continue co sleeping safely. I used to worry so much about so many things as a first time
mum and now 3 years one looking back I wish I hadn’t.

There is nothing wrong with co-sleeping if you are doing it safely.

I have done with both my children (youngest currently 6 months and has never slept in a cot). Quite frankly it’s what has saved my sanity and it works for us as a family.

If it’s working for you, and you’re only worried about other people, why change? You are doing what is right for you and your baby. I am a lot more vocal this time round about co-sleeping, especially as my eldest is a great sleeper who never comes into our bed. I compare this to friends’ children who slept in cots but still come into Mummy & Daddy’s bed most nights!

Co sleep for now. He will transition in to his own space when ready. My granddaughter was keen to be held or co sleep until around 6 months when she started tolerating longer in the crib. Some do, some don’t.
I might be reading in to this but is your partner keen on the move as he’s angling for sex? Cos if you are fine with that then no worries. But some men get very pushy about sex after childbirth and if you’ve got one of those tell him to get to fuck 😁

Cosleeping, if you do it safely, is perfectly fine and you and your baby will both get more sleep.

You could try placing a hot water bottle in the next to me to warm it and then remove before putting baby down? That's what we had to do with my last baby, always worked. I think she sensed the temperature change as soon as she was off me.

I think most people have coslept with baby, and is great for both of you as long as done safely! X

Haha I think some of it could be wanting sex yes but he wouldn’t dare admit that as he knows I would tell him to get to France

Honestly OP, I think this is very dependent on your baby. My first was like yours and basically it was a good night if he slept more than half an hour in his cot total, and my second baby so far seems to be far more accepting of his next-to-me. I’m literally not doing anything different, just waiting til he’s well asleep after a feed and plonking him (gently) in his bed. When I tried the same thing with my first kid he’d wake up crying 30 seconds later 9 times out of 10.

Who is ‘everyone’ who warns against co-sleeping. I thought, if done safely, it was perfectly acceptable and okay to do so. It sounds like you are doing it safely and getting a good number of hours sleep with such a young baby, so well done on working that out!
9 weeks is very young, imagine he was still in your womb a short while ago. Some cultures co-sleep for years, certainly until the next baby comes along.
If you are happy co-sleeping, then carry on. The first year of a babies life is very short in the grand scheme of things, there will be plenty of evenings in the future to have down time.

Honestly, we tried everything. I think it’s dependant on your baby’s temperament. We tried everything, warming it with a hot water bottle, we put the bassinet pram attachment into the next to me to make it more cosy, at one point I was sleeping practically draped across the edge to try and settle the baby. My LO wasn’t a great sleeper full stop, but the next to me became a glorified washing basket. I promise it’s nothing you’re doing wrong, it just how babies are wired.

Thanks everyone for your responses, I really appreciate them truly

Everyone - is pretty much everyone I know that has children, granted probably the previous generation, the midwives we see, online pages I’ve read up on. The only person that didn’t seem bothered too much was the health visitor. I think that’s why I feel like I’m doing something wrong. Maybe I will just keep our sleeping arrangements to ourselves and then I don’t have to face the judging looks and comments.

Hi OP. You’re not doing anything wrong at all! Everyone has an opinion on everything to do with parenting - especially sleep - so I do understand why this is getting to you.

My baby is also 9 weeks old and is currently asleep on the bed beside me. On my other side is the next-to-me crib that he’s probably spent a lifetime total of about 27 seconds in. I’m mainly using it to store snacks. I’m very happy with the set up!

This is my third baby, and I just don’t care what anyone thinks any more. With my eldest, I persevered with the crib for months. He wasn’t even a particularly bad sleeper, but I remember being exhausted after taking ages to settle him after night feeds. I also wasted so much time and tears on trying to force naps in the cot, because I really wanted to do what I was “supposed” to. When he was around 8 months old, in some fug of illness and a house move and him learning to stand up and refuse to lie down, I brought him into our bed. We all slept like a dream. Fast forward to now and he’s four and sleeps happily in his own bed.

With baby two, I used the bedside crib for a few weeks and then co-slept. For baby three, I only really set it up to have something to show my mum and the midwife/HV, and never had any intention of using it. Almost every nap is in the sling. I follow guidelines to co-sleep as safely as possible. We are having a lovely time and I don’t feel tired at all.

My mum thinks the co-sleeping thing is unhinged and was very vocal on the matter, but she’s sort of given up now. People can be quite judgemental so I either don’t mention it or make it quite clear that it works well for us. I don’t buy the “making a rod for your own back” thing. IME, both baby and everyone else have slept better whilst close to me and I’m happy to go with what works. Babies change so quickly and if it’s no longer working at any point, you can just try something else.