How do I respond to highly sensitive child self policing his thoughts?

[bobandbrenda]

My 6 year old boy is generally happy, but can struggle at bedtime with things going round his head. Up to now I've felt quite confident dealing with this, but recently the anxieties are becoming more complex and I feel much less sure about how to respond!

He is very kind, desperate to do the "right" thing, and hates the thought that he might harm/offend anyone. I may be blind to it, but I don't think anything we've done has encouraged this and I suspect he's just naturally very sensitive in this way.

Recently he has basically been policing his own thoughts. E.g. he will tell us he feels guilty as he thought 'bad thoughts" about his sibling and needs to apologise. It then turns out the "bad thoughts" are just thinking his sibling is annoying when he smashed down his Lego. He will feel awful even though he hasn't said anything to his brother or done anything- just thought it!

Recently he's been saying things like, 'its so hard being alive, I want all the thoughts in my head to stop and for my brain to just rest'. When I gently probed for more detail, he said his brain keeps 'telling him that people are fat'. Because this is a recurring issue (him feeling awful about thinking people are fat), I then said something along the lines of 'well that's true- some people are fat". He got very distressed and said 'no - no one is fat. I can't think that!' I have explained that some people are fat and that is just a fact (I also said overweight would be a more polite word for it). Before anyone asks we do not as a family use the word fat routinely!

I have said there is nothing wrong with thinking this type of thing in your head, and that it's how you act that counts. Ive said that your brain will often offer you honest descriptions of people/things as you go about your day, and it's part of gathering information about the word around you. It's good to think critically but also some negative thoughts will be true! As long as you are not making personal comments about people or insulting them then it's nothing to feel bad about. I am not sure what else to say? I feel in a very weird situation of wanting him to be less kind as it's bordering on unhealthy!

Anyone else with a very sensitive child have any words of wisdom?

I’m not sure I have any words of wisdom but, reading your post, I think I would be handling exactly as you have been. You sound like a great mum!

My daughter was very much like this, she was later diagnosed with ASD so I somethings wonder if it was linked to that. I am not diagnosing your son by the way, just musing really.

It did taper off after a while but she did get really distressed and thought she was a horrible person because of these thoughts.

She’s still very sensitive and hates the thought of being unkind/naughty even though she never is.

It sounds like you handled that brilliantly though x

Look up OCD/intrusive thoughts. I would suggest taking this seriously.
It's broadly speaking a form of anxiety.
Your DS is quite possibly having a hard time with this which could worsen.
Definitely read up - how you approach this is important.
Any possibility of neuro diversity? Rumination/black and white thinking can also be seen quite often with ASD.

Agree with @Beamur -
this is intrusive thoughts
may well be related to neurodivergence
can lead to OCD by responding to the intrusive thoughts by ‘neutralising’ with safety behaviours such as confessing his thoughts / seeking reassurance etc
I would get some professional help with this, bless him, and tell him they are just thoughts, we all get thousands of thoughts every day and lots of them are just thoughts with no truth

I did this as a kid. I ended up being diagnosed with autism as an adult. Not saying this will happen but I would see the GP about his anxiety.

Thanks for the comments.

Re potential ASD/neurodiversity, I'm always ready to have an open mind, but we haven't been concerned about this up to now. He definitely isn't black and white with his thinking in other areas. He's not a perfectionist, and is very forgiving of himself about making mistakes that aren't connected to hurting /offending people.. He copes well with new situations and changes of plan and is generally pretty flexible and takes things in his stride. It feels like he is just highly anxious about being a nice person and kind to everyone at all times

Sounds like you dealt with it really well OP. Our son did this a fair bit around ages 6-10, brooding to himself at bedtime and when persuaded to fess up what the matter was, asking whether he was ‘a bad kid’ or ‘a bad person’ for x or y minor transgression or sibling row.
He’s still a lovely, sensitive lad but they naturally more perspective as they get older

Thank you for this

Watch Inside Out with him.

I’m not black and white with my thinking or a perfectionist. I don’t mind plan changes. I’m ok with new situations. I’m also autistic.

Not all people with autism have the exact list of symptoms you read about in leaflets.

Sounds like OCD to me, I had intrusive thoughts. I think what you are saying to him is right. Try to keep it short, “it’s not what you think it’s what you do that counts”.

Could some other adults in his life be planting these worries in his head? Teachers? Grandparents? Other family members?

Sounds like OCD. Sounds like he's ND. It's a spectrum so he doesn't have to tick every box.

I think you are handling it very well. Just reassure him that actually every single person in the world has strong thoughts they don't voice, that arise from observations or feelings or reactions that are true but may not be socially appropriate. That this is normal, and proof his brain his developing normally, sifting out the difference between what we feel or think or know to be true snd what is acceptable to comment on.

Then help him find ways to unwind these thoughts at night, such as relaxation body scans, or thinking of a place or memory he finds soothing.

Completely understand, and I certainly didn't mean to suggest they do. I was just musing, as I said I keep an open mind. Thanks

That's a good idea

OP I have OCD and I've had intrusive thoughts ever since I can remember - at least as young as 4 and 5 and as soon as I read this I saw myself in this post. I am not diagnosing your child based off this one post - just saying that I'd have in mind that he may benefit from professional help if it persists.

'Being a bad person' is not an uncommon obsession for people with OCD.

You may find that reassurance does not work or that it does work but very temporarily and the need for it gets greater and greater. Seeking reassurance can even become a compulsion. It could even be that he's 'confessing' his bad thoughts as part a compulsion.

It may not be - I am not a professional, just speaking from experience - but I would just have in mind that he may not be able to stop the thoughts and may need further support if this does not end up being a phase that passes.

One thing that may help is looking up mindfulness exercises for children to help him acknowledge his thoughts without judging them as this may help him see them as somewhat separate than the core 'him'. If it makes it worse please stop though.

One thing I'd watch out for it making sure that you're very calm when talking about it. I'd speak about it in quite a chilled out logical way (which is seems you are!) For example, yes thoughts can be strange and frightening sometimes can't they? Sometimes our brains want to protect us by thinking of all the things that go wrong, or by thinking about mistakes we've made, but sometimes our brains can too carried away and do it too much. Thanks brain but these thoughts are not helpful. Having thoughts don't make the thoughts true etc etc.

If you seem distressed or frustrated or exasperated (which is easy to do when it's constant and nothing is helping) you may find he starts using it as evidence he's a bad person, and may try and counter this by keeping it secret.

I don't know if intrusive thoughts are more common at night - they always have been for me - but it made it easier to keep it secret. Even in early primary school I'd learned to cry silently. I'd chirpily say goodnight, pretend everything was fine then spend hours sobbing as I imagined the most awful things.

This is really helpful thanks

This is great advice and very succinctly put.
At the moment he has no idea that everyone has random and often unkind thoughts, he thinks having them makes him a bad person.
Understanding that sometimes it's just thoughts, you can ignore them and they will go away is incredibly powerful for a child with intrusive thoughts. Often with OCD there is a compulsion to do something to assuage the thought or feeling. This is where reassurance can be a two edged thing. In a way the reassurance becomes a validation of the thought and feeds rather than stems the anxiety. My DD has had this since very young childhood and generally has very good coping strategies but it has been pretty miserable at times. She's also autistic.

One of my DC went through a similar phase. He was extremely paranoid about mild swear words (I had once made a point of not reading one out loud at bedtime and he latched onto it but in quite an extreme way). He doesn’t have it now but I think it was anxiety - it changed when we changed school with a different vibe.

Re OCD and intrusive thoughts it’s still well worth reading about how to deal with it as everyone has intrusive thoughts at times - one of the key things he needs to learn is that they’re just thoughts. We can notice them without engaging with them or acting on them, everyone has them, and they’re neutral. That sounds like what he needs to learn. Talking about any thoughts you have like this would also help to see there’s nothing wrong with him

ocd literature explains this really really well - but with ocd (which it doesn’t sound at all conclusive for your son) it’s often awful thoughts and impossible to ignore