How do you foster a loving relationship between siblings

[Mummabear04]

I have 2 DC ( DD is 5 years and DS just about to turn 3 years). Up until a few weeks ago they have got on really well and they have been very sweet together. DD has always been patient and loving towards DS and DS idolises DD and wishes he was 5 so he could join in her games better.

A few weeks ago DD went through a tough period at school where her BF was not being very nice to her and DD was quite stressed and very emotional. When this was happening on Friday after dinner she just exploded over the tiniest of things. Basically we were going on a long car journey the next day and I was encouraged DC to get a bag of toys ready so they could play with them in the car. DS tried to put some of his cars in "her" bag and she started screaming and then went absolutely ballistic whipping the bag and I basically picked DS up who was in harms way and removed him from the room while DH then spent the next few hours trying to calm her down. She is a very emotional girl but is very well behaved and would never usually lash out in this was so I do believe it was down to tiredness/stress. Before DC went to bed DD apologised to DS who was absolutely petrified and clung to me the whole time this meltdown was going on. He was happy for her to give him a hug and say sorry so at least that was something.

Since then whenever DD remotely touches him to rough or raises her voice (which she does often because she is emotional and loud with it) DS screams at her and then it starts an argument and always ends in tears. I try to listen to both sides of the story but I think that DS still has some fear left over from what happened and isn't able to understand it or say how he feels now.

I'm so sad that DC aren't getting along and I'm worried about it continuing past this blip. Any advice? They've literally always got on well and I'd be heartbroken if my handling of this had long term consequences.

Siblings will fight about absolutely nothing at all. Your elbow is on my side?! I'll murder you to the death! They're 5 and 3!

Couple of things that I've observed in my family (failed to foster a strong bond) and my friends families that did.

1 - Never make them feel like they are in competition, or competing for the same emotional, financial, love, from you. That is the biggest thing that will kill sibling relationships.

2 - Achievement for 1 = achievement for all. Friends who have strong bonds view family more like this. Oh, if my sister does well, then that is a good thing for me. We are a family, we all help each other, so an achievement for one person potentially lets them help us more, if we ever need it. etc. We succeed together, or fail together etc.

3 - Play together, activities together (easy when they are young, but needs more work when they are older..)

4 - MUST foster a sense of care/protection from the older sibling to the younger one.

I think most older siblings views can be categorized into two groups:

a, This is my younger brother, he is so annoying!
b, That is my younger brother, back off! (protective role)

I think that making your older child feel protective, and caring for the young one, is the only way to balance the annoying nature of younger siblings. Young siblings are always annoying, but if the older one views themself as a protector, guide, mentor, role-model etc. e.g. "My big brother, he is always looking out for me" then the annoyance isn't a big deal.

A bit sexist, but I think parents are much better at forcing older brothers to do this, than older sisters. Probably because of generations of men needing to protect women, but I think a lot of families push their son strongly to "she is your little sis, keep an eye on her, help her, protect her etc." which then leads to the trope of the protective older brother.

Not all (i've known some very nurturing/caring big sisters) but many big sisters fall into the 'Ugh, that is my stupid annoying brother' category instead. I don't think this is their fault at all. I think its mainly because their parents failed to push them into a caring role at a young age, so the only emotion they have is generated by their interactions. Younger children are generally always annoying to older children, so of course their relationship gets defined by that annoyance, and not by a nurturing/caring/protecting type role.

It depends on the personality and ages. My youngest two, girls age 6 and 8, get on most of the time but also have crazy fights over stupid things - with screaming, hitting, chasing, hair pulling!

I have given up intervening unless it gets extreme. Me trying to calm things down doesnt help - generally they sort it out themselves amd 5 minutes later its all forgotten and they sre back to being best friends.

My younger sister & I (4 year gap) are very close as adults - we’ve got each other through a lot of shit and go on holiday together - but the closeness didn’t really start until I’d left home.

Our parents insisted on politeness & kindness but accepted that I wasn’t especially interested in her - and I’m sure they’d have loved us to be closer then, but they did get to see how well we got on once we were grown up.

Pressure to look after her when we were kids might well have been counter-productive.