How do people do it?

[Potatobakes]

How do people do it? Please tell me what worked for you

I’m finding things so hard right now. We’ve got a 2 year old (26 months) and a newborn (5 weeks, but born a few weeks early).

The adjustment has been hard on us all. Our poor toddler is struggling a lot. He’s so emotional, so quick to get upset or mad, bed times are a huge struggle. He’s often waking several times a night.

We’ve tried to do bed time in different ways. But he usually wants whichever of us isn’t with him. I was reading about it and read that consistency is best for him at the moment. And because the newborn typically wants to feed / be held / has witching hour around this time, it’s got to be my husband who does toddlers bedtime realistically. But my heart is breaking as he’s saying “I want my mummy back” and “I want mummy to read” etc. I’m currently sat crying downstairs with my newborn latched but using me more for comfort at this point.

im trying hard but I’m struggling so much. I try to spend quality 1:1 time with my toddler when I can, but with breastfeeding/ a grumpy baby it’s hard. I’m so overwhelmed. When I do spend time with him he frequently tells me his legs (or sometimes another body part) hurt which I’ve been so anxious about. But I think it’s highly likely that it’s a way to express his emotions / seek comfort.

I can barely manage a few hours looking after them both by myself. Which feels ridiculous. But the baby is often crying or wants to feed, and the toddler is very emotional and often has tantrums, won’t eat etc. I feel like such a failure of a mum. And I feel so guilty for my toddler struggling. And for wanting to be with him and not the newborn sometimes. Then I see other mums doing brilliantly with 2 little ones. Or even if they struggle, they still manage to make it work. Im lucky we have lots of support.

oh and I also feel bad for my husband. Because he naturally has to do most of the parenting of our toddler and that is a real challenge at the moment due to the above. Whilst it seems like I sit downstairs and feed the baby and sit on my phone.

is this normal? Does it get easier? I love them so much.

You will be doing great, I’m a lone parent to twins from day one,and I have always said it would be harder to have a toddler and a newborn than two newborns. You will be doing great,I never managed to breastfeed mine so you are doing amazingly.

I have no words of wisdom as I “only” have one but I just wanted to send hugs and say categorically that you are NOT ridiculous for finding it hard to look after them for more than a few hours! It’s hard enough to look after one child by yourself, never mind a toddler and a newborn.

I know you need practical advice and hopefully someone more knowledgeable than me will give it you, but you also need to massively cut yourself some slack and stop thinking you’re somehow deficient. And stop comparing yourself to others (I do it all the time, hard not to I know) x

Get a great baby carrier. I loved my ergobaby embrace, it's super supportive for a newborn. I could even feed in it (used one hand for support but still one hand free). That meant I continued to do all of my normal toddler activities (exactly two years between mine) with my older one, including following them around soft play. The only thing I couldn't do was swimming with the two of them.

Go out twice a day, every day. Have breakfast, go to a toddler group 9.30-11.30 ish, back for lunch and a nap if he'll have one, and then out again to the park/beach/local woods for the afternoon. The period between 4.30pm and 6pm when my partner got back was universally shit, but being out helped a lot for the rest of the day.

Sympathise, cuddle, empathise, but don't indulge. So if the behaviour is violent, calmly but firmly hold those boundaries even though you know the reason is the baby and the toddler is feeling really threatened. And for food, keep it low key and easy. We basically just did picky bits on a plate that he could come back to on the coffee table for a long time. He ate what he needed and it took a lot of pressure off, and could still have healthy options.

Best of luck!

It's hard . My babies currently 4 months old and I have a 5 yo. Can you express some feeds ? Maybe then you could do bedtime with toddler ?

I don’t think anyone with a two year or under age gap finds it easy not meant critically but supportively. It’s really, really hard - my age gap is two and a half years and I still find it very difficult to meet the needs of both mine, although it has got easier.

Slings
More slings

Did I mention slings 😉

I'm being serious though. I had a similar age gap and my youngest lived in the sling for about 6 months. I could simultaneously feed and push my eldest in the swings, or get on the bus, or do the groceries! I became kangaroo basically 😂

Because of that, I didn't find those first few months too hard, though not knowing how to split yourself in two still hurry, as did the constant feeling you could only be a good parent to one child at a time (that feeling lasted several years though).

Personally I found it got harder once both were mobile, with peak difficulty at 1&3, but I love the newborn stage in general. If you don't, you may find this time hardest.

What I found helped (apart from slings) was getting out as much as possible. That way the toddler burns off everyday, it stops the house getting as messy, and it helps tired days go more quickly.

Oh, and as soon as baby naps become more predictable, with hard on making a baby nap lines up with your toddler one. Then do not tidy, but either nap as well or do something for you, for a few minutes at least.

Not popular on here but I found tbis book so useful loads about how to care for a baby and toddler together.

It’s brutal OP. To be honest I don’t remember much of DC2 first few months at all because it was such a sleep deprived blur. But they’re 9 and 7 now and play together loads.

I agree with try and get the toddler out every morning for some kind of fresh air or activity. Baby in pram or in sling just gets dragged along. Then home for lunch and hopefully a nap, or at least some chill time after lunch. Afternoon was a bit more torturous, but we generally stayed home, played with toys or in garden, maybe went for a little walk or to the swings etc, sometimes just watched too much tv and kept us alive, and then toddler tea started about 5pm and the count down til daddy is home!

Mostly DH did toddler bedtime, but sometimes he wasn’t home so I had to. Extra long baths kill some time (bring everything into bathroom with you). Also baby in sling for toddler bedtime. Or time it with a baby nap, although that’s not always easy to do.

Eventually the baby gets into a kind of routine and the feeds get shorter and the naps more predictable and you just kind of make it work around the older one!

Sending you so much love, OP. Please do not think badly of yourself. This bit is hard. A whole new practical set up to manage. The guilt of not being able to focus 100% on either baby, or your partner. But it absolutely will get better!

I have three now - eldest and middle are a fraction over 24 months apart, then there are 22 months between the middle and youngest. Baby is 9 weeks old, so I really can relate to what you’re saying!

I second the recommendation of a sling. Absolutely essential. Baby two lived in it as a newborn, and doesn’t seem to have been in any way limited by it! Baby three now spends many of his daylight hours in there. They sleep like a dream all pouched up and I’m free to carry on normal small child/toddler wrangling with as many hands free as possible.

Work out what your non-negotiables are and let the other stuff go if you need to. I know that my days sort of unravel if I don’t get up and washed and dressed in the morning. Husband knows this is essential and facilitates it before he goes to work. Even if it’s a two minute shower and my same old mat leave leggings and sweater uniform, with wet hair in a mum bun - I can cope with life if I’m dressed. If husband isn’t there, big ones play or loiter in the bathroom with me and baby (oh byeee, privacy).

Getting ready enables us to get out of the house in the morning, which is another essential for me. Young one snoozes in the sling so we get to walk to pre-school or pick up sticks or go to the park or whatever and I can focus on the bigger ones.

Try and build a new evening routine that works for everyone. I bathe the big two together with little one on the changing mat or in the smaller baby bath out of harms way. Then I feed baby whilst reading to the big two, and either put them all to bed or husband and I take it in turns so we both get time with each child.

It is horrible to see your toddler suffer with the arrival of the new baby but hopefully this will pass quickly, especially as he is so young. It sounds like you’re doing everything you can to give him as much attention as possible and to include him. My eldest went insane for about 6 weeks after the middle was born and I was terrified I’d somehow ruined him, but he reverted right back to his usual self and has been besotted with his sister ever since. Middle child has been slower to react to her little sibling than her brother was with her, but is still struggling with things now, so I’m doing as much as I can to lavish attention on her.

You will work it out, honestly. In a few weeks things will have slotted into place and you will barely remember a time with just one! Going from two to three is easier than where you are now in many respects, as I think you get used to the very controlled routine of one and it’s hard to adapt that with a second.