what do you do if you and a friend really differ on some parenting thing that affects both your kids?

[Fillyjonk]

have had a long day and am pos not making much sense but am thinking stuff like different rules over sharing, table manners/when kids get pudding/etc etc.

I have a couple of friends who seem to feel REALLY strongly about certain things (I am NOT saying what, they might be reading this!)...

I kind of broadly go along the "my/your house, my/your rules" thing BUT what do you do when out, ie neutral territory ?

I am finding this suprisingly tricky atm...anyone else?

I really do like my friends...

I apply my rules if I care enough about it, but I only apply them to my children. I will challenge people applying their rules to my children in a public place. I'm their mummy, nobody else. I'm the one who has to live with them!

agree with smug colditz.

hmmm... public place is hard.

I am a wuss so I tend to go with their rules and then sulk at home

on neutral tewrritory I apply my rulse to my DS and they can apply their rules to their kids.

For example, DS never has to eat all his mains or do good eating in order to get pudding, I have a friend who doesn't let her DS have any pudding until he's had "£ more bites Jhonny" etc.

Well, I'm not going to withhold something from DS just because she's withholding it from hers, even if we are best friends.

yes its kind of hard to articule the problem, esp as my brain has wandered off

but say 2 kids are having problems sharing

mummy #1 applies the "kid who had it first keeps it for a stupidly long time " rule

mummy # 2 applies the (much more sane and reasonable ) "we take turns, to do this will NOT dent my child's fragile emergent self" rule

what do you do then?

NOTE I am NOT saying which side I am on here...

yes flame this is kind of my approach

am worried it is not consistent with strong confident parenting {hmm}

Neutral territory is a good opportunity to introduce the concept that different families have different rules, and in our family we do things this way.

yep.
My rules on neutral territory. And I have quite happily had the converstaion with DD " xx is allowed because her mummy says she can, but I say No so thats it".
She knows the rules now though.

and if someone, even a good friend, tried to impose their rules on my DS in public, I would openly undermine them and apply my rules instead. At the end of the day DS will listen to me, not them.

oh yes I tend to agree re differnet families/different rules

the problem is where it involves both kids though, eg sharing...

I am aware I am possibly being vague here, it has been a looooong day

ok can we talk about sharing?

2 kids involved, 2 sets of parenting

what do you do?

Has everyone else worked this out? Am hoping so so you can share wisdom...

for sharing, if the other kid has something, and DS wants a turn, but the other parent isn't encouraging their child to share, I'd just distrct DS, get him doing something else, and whisper to him that "so and so has trouble sharing, what a shame, nice children share" and remind him that he would share in that situation so the other kid didn't feel the way he felt.

or I whisper to DS "never mind, that toy's not half as good as this one, and if you play eith this instead we'll do insert fun thing later, just you and me"

It is tricky, but pretty much all my friends with kids have similar views on sharing as me so it doesn't come up very often.

I tend to vary on that too Maybe that is why DS is hell

It doesn't help where I try and take things off him to get him to share, and then they say "Oh no don't, he had it first" and then I don't know if they MEAN that, or if they are wanting me to insist

Or, I go with ignore and let them fight it out approach (firm believer in letting them fight their own battles), and I look like the non-caring parent

hmm interesting

had esp bad day today with a parents who i know slightly at soft play, and our two 4.5 yos (yes, 4.5 yos, note i am not talking about young toddlers)

ds had been eyeing this toy the other kid had, some rather fabulous ride on routemaster thing.

after two sodding hours of "you know, I'd quite like to play with that" and "thats a lovely toy you've got there", and much distraction and bribery from me, he and dd1 (who is nearly 3, just went over to his friend and said, basically, "look, fgs, could you please bloody share.". (in preschooler-speak

And then this kid's mother, who had been circling him (she worries about bullies at softplay) comes flapping up to me saying "what is going on, my child had it first, I got it out from the cupboard for him myself at the beginning."

I have outed myself here, but aaaaargh!

the trouble is I like HER a lot

I do know her quite well really, I suppose

I just go aaaargh aaaargh aaaargh at her parenting

and actually have just remembered she doesn't believe in computers etc, so am safe on here

Oh no - in that case I would have muscled in long before and told kid a to give kid b a turn now.

She sounds like she is from the "There there, I really don't think it is very nice for you to put Nathan's finger in the plug socket for him. Do you think you might like to remove it now?"

Rather than my tried and tested method of

"Geddit out NOW!"

LOL @ 'she doesn't believe in computers'

WTF is that all about?!

I think her child may end up with a few more ishoos than sharing if she doesn't believe in compooters - she does know it's the 21st century?

I don't know waht I would have done or said, I'd probably have laughed out loud tbh at how ludicrous she was being - I wouldn't have been able to help myself! I'd have blurted something stupid like 'er, you are joking!!'

I am also think a lot of the problem is that I don't care that much, really

I kind of think there are eegits all over and ffs, its a bloody ride on toy, and I was halfway through a really good book

oh lol, I said to her "oh"

and I think looked geniumely mystified

but really I was wondering what was going to happen to the thubderbolt kid

Ah yes, I would have probably only intervened had my child whinged AT me and interrupted the book

Otherwise I probably wouldn't even have noticed!

I'd have said something like:

(to DS) X doesn't have to share if he doesn't want to.

(to mother) DS and X are talking about the bus. No one is going to take it away from X if he doesn't feel like sharing.

And later talk to DS abut how not all families have the same rules about sharing, although it's sad when people don't share things.