Boundaries and enforcing a rule or request

[HiCandles]

Hi all
I could do with some advice.
I try to follow authoritative parenting, that is, to be kind and loving whilst holding boundaries.
I usually do the ask twice and if still no compliance, rather than asking a third time, make it happen.
Trouble is my just 3yo DS has become SO defiant. When he's in the wrong mood he tries to refuse to do everything I ask. Now sometimes it's easily enforceable, like if he refuses to turn TV off, I will do it myself.
But what do I do if it's something really physically difficult to enforce?
For instance should I be pulling his arm to make him pick up food he's thrown? Or should I drag the jumper off his body physically if he's refusing to take it off?
This last one I have just done and completely lost my temper, which I feel bad about hence posting. I had to force his arms and head out and he hated it, but I'd asked nicely and explained it was far too hot and I could tell he was getting overheated and emotional. Had already refused to come to the car.
I really do not agree with standing there negotiating endlessly with a toddler. I probably would've won him round in the end, but we had to go for baby sibling's nap, and I am the parent and I know what is best for him, but how to achieve this without such anger on both sides?

It can help if you offer them some autonomy.

"It's too hot for a jumper now, can you take it off yourself or do you want Mummy to?" - give him some choice in the situation

"Time to go home now. Can you climb up into the car seat or do you want me to lift you?" - again, the 'thing' is happening, but you are giving him a choice over how it happens.

To defuse a standoff I sometimes do tickling. Just a quick tickle until they giggle. It can short circuit the standoff and then the kid forgets they were refusing and then I remind them to get dressed or tidy up and they usually just do what they were supposed to. 3, 2, 1 is another thing we use (I count down from 3 to 1 slowly, giving the child plenty of time to do what is asked).

If they've had tickles and 3, 2, 1 and are still not doing what they were supposed to then they go in time out for one minute. I sit with the child in time out usually and cuddle them then explain in simple terms what they need to do to be good. I do not give in but I do try and be really clear with them in language they understand because I want them to know what they need to do to get it right.

If we're not at home, after 3, 2, 1 I say "oh dear, DD is making bad choices" and intervene e.g. pick her up if she's not coming with me, tell her what she's done and leave it at that because she won't remember by the time we get home.

I try hard to meet them where they're at developmentally (I just give them credit for what they can do at this age) so in the example about picking up food, I wouldn't have that battle with DD but she can absolutely dress herself so I would expect her to.

Being really defiant and refusing to do things is a phase with three-year-olds though and around Christmas I did get quite stressed at a family gathering because DD took her shoes off and the floor was dirty! I repeated over and over again to put her shoes back on and she wouldn't, and wouldn't let me put them on for her either. That was when I did some research and found out about 3, 2, 1.

In your example there I would definitely try tickling to take the anger out of the equation.

Thank you. I do this. It used to work wonderfully, but now he just shouts no, and before I know it we're in a standoff.

Thank you so much. This is brilliant advice.
It's never occurred to me to do a mini time out when out tbh, which sounds really silly. I use it a lot at home with me sitting there next to him explaining. Tickles ie using humour is worth a try too. I find myself getting so angry at his behaviour, it feels deliberately designed to annoy me.

Mine is nearly 4 and we don’t get a lot of this but I put that down to being so consistent that my son knows it’s not worth the effort to be defiant. I think it helps to be in the mindset of a) the thing is absolutely happening and b) I’m not bothered if you want to make a fuss about it, it’s still happening in the end.

This does also have to be tempered with being fair and coming and going with them more especially at your son’s age. Be aware of letting him have plenty of autonomy and choice where you can, praise him lots, be fair and ask his opinions on things etc. This helps to create a compliant child. They like being part of a team rather than feeling like they have to rail against you. Be aware of saying “no” too often, or demanding obedience simply for the sake of it and “because I said so.” Question why you are asking him to do certain things and think “does it matter?” Did the jumper really matter? Could you have talked more about it and left it at “if you want to feel cooler, we can take your jumper off.”

Some recent examples here:

Said no to bath time. I said “sometimes we can skip a bath but today you’re really dirty” and showed him his nails. Gave suggestions of fun toys to take in the bath. He still said no so I said I was off to run it and he could have another 5 minutes to play but then it really was bathtime. At bathtime I just escorted him out of the living room and locked the door (locks high up on all doors) and made a big deal of “come and see the cars I’ve lined up on the bath tub for you! They’re all ready for a car wash!” Sometimes you have to just shut off the other options to them and bamboozle them a bit with “wow isn’t this brilliant!”

Said no to suncream at the park. I just put it back in the bag and sighed saying “oh well, we’ll have to go home. That’s such a shame.” Started to walk off and he rushed over asking for suncream. From the age of 2-3 we had enough times where he was simply picked up and taken home, so he knows he can’t win with these sorts of things. I just let him know as I’m putting it on that “ugh I don’t like putting suncream on either. It’s sticky and annoying to put on my skin. But I’m so glad we have it because burnt skin is so painful and the suncream protects us. All done! That was quick, no you can go play and have fun!”

Thank you. Some useful advice. I think partly why I am finding this so difficult is that I really felt I'd been so consistent with it all up until now. Like you from 2-3 we left places, we removed privileges etc and yet he's still finding it necessary to test the boundaries so much and so often. I want to shout at him haven't you learnt it yet?! But obviously he hasn't, and I don't.
Thanks for support.

He might just be a bit more bloody minded. They’re all different. I think the main things are consistency and just checking in with yourself regularly to make sure there’s a good balance of fun and that he’s getting to feel like he has a say and some control over things. It’s easy to slip into drudgery and always saying no or being overly authoritarian when they’re going through difficult spells. It can help to lighten everything up a bit.

I think you should definitely avoid physically making your child do something but ultimately you're bringing your child up to be how you expect, so you're going to do a lot of stuff you don't want to.
Try to structure your consequences so that you can have things that are immediate enough but don't involve violating their personal space. It's kind of like a hierarchy, with things like no ice cream or sticker chart at the start, through taking something away, to physically taking something off them, carrying them/moving them, making them do something physically, doing something to them and then you go on into physical punishment and beyond.
So if you can move things towards the start of the chain do that. And as they get older you can move further into problem solving IE this needs to happen, how do you want me to remind you.
But I think all the old cliches apply - parent the child you have, age appropriate, pick your battles. If you're lucky you'll have a compliant child prodigy, if not you'll be fighting!
Take care.