Hit ds after bite.

[Feelingguilty2]

I was in the middle of prepping dinner a few days ago and was chatting with ds (2) who was just pottering about in the kitchen and seemed happy enough. Then out of nowhere he came up behind me (didn't notice or hear him coming up) and he bit me hard enough to leave a big black mark right on my bum. He has never, ever done anything like this before and it was completely unexpected and so, so sore (i was only wearing leggings so got the full effect) and I reacted completely on instinct and shouted out loudly and moved my hand quickly to move whatever it was away (initially I thought it was my dog) and accidentally caught him fairly hard in the face in the process. He was distraught and initially I was really cross (and sore) and got down on his level and told him off very firmly before apologising for hitting him and explained that he really hurt me. But now I feel effing awful and I hate that I really scared and upset him, let alone hit him. I have never hit him before and I try very hard not to have big reactions to things around him and don't agree with it as a form of discipline at all, it just caught me so off guard. I feel like an awful parent.

There will be many times in your parenting life where you do not respond the way you want to. Forgive yourself for that (you are human) but you need to model repair. E.g. I'm really really sorry I shouted and hurt you: it's never ever OK to hurt someone. It was not OK for you to bite me (it's never ever OK to hurt someone), but it was also not OK for for me to shout at you and swat you. I'm so sorry. (And if it was genuinely an accident and you were instinctively trying to get him off you can say that too -- it was genuinely an accident. But don't lie about that if it wasn't to yourself or to him.)

He bit you. You reacted instinctively, it wasn’t a parenting choice. If he bites others at nursery they may also instinctively hit him. Maybe you have helped to avoid that happening.

Don’t beat yourself up.

But it sounds like you did what you did as an instinctive reaction to being hurt rather that to discipline DS?

This is such good advice, cut yourself some slack @Feelingguilty2 xx

It was absolutely a reaction, I thought he was still across the room with his trucks when it happened so I was genuinely confused when I swatted out. I apologised to him and I did say I was so sorry I hit him and noone should ever hit him or hurt his body in any way, but that he also isn't allowed to bite anyone or hurt their bodies. I grew up being hit for small things when my mum lost all control of herself so it's very, very important to me that ds has a different experience of his mother growing up than what I did.

...I grew up being hit for small things when my mum lost all control of herself so it's very, very important to me that ds has a different experience of his mother growing up than what I did.

That's the difference though, your mother had every intention of hitting you and inflicting pain as a method of discipline and you had absolutely zero intent to hurt him. I can guarantee he won't remember this event when he's older but you will.

Your ds is too young to understand he was hurting you, but it was an accident on your part. You didn't purposely hit him. It'll blow over

I slapped DS on the hand once when he bit me, mainly to get him to remove his teeth from my hand, and once, instinctively, on his back when he tried to push his baby sister down the stairs. I'm not ashamed of the first one really, it was only hard enough to startle him, but I'm deeply ashamed of the second one, although it also wasn't hard. But it did scare him. He's nearly 12 now and I've never done it since and we recently talked about it and he a) doesn't remember and b) is definitely not scared of me, and nor does he see hitting as acceptable.
Which is all just to say, we all make mistakes but they don't necessarily set a pattern or determine your future relationship with the child, and nor do they necessarily do long term damage as long as you apologise and do your best not to do it again.

This. You reacted to pain

In the grand scheme of things op I really don't think your child will be traumatised by this one event. He will get over it and probably even learn from it....don't bite.

Obviously hitting purposefully or in spite like your dm did repeatedly does have a long term negative impact but that isn't what happened here. Its a one off.

Children are very resilient and the odd thing which upsets them is usually not going to stay with them...unless it's a particularly scary episode of Scooby Do that you let your pre- schooler watch without checking it first (they did get over it but it took a couple of years and many painful bedtimes).

I’m a firm believer in not overly apologising for instances just like this. You have nothing to apologise for really.

“You bit me and it really hurt. If you bite people they might hurt you back. We do not bite.”

This is the reality of what might happen if he tries to bite another child.

I do say sorry in these sorts of circumstances but don’t over egg the pudding. Put the focus more on the natural consequences of biting someone.

Yes, I agree with this. I am 100% against hitting children in any circumstance but this was a completely unexpected, very random occurrence that you couldn’t possibly have anticipated, and you didn’t even know it was him at the time. At least he experienced the natural consequences of biting someone on the arse with a loving parent who can help him understand what happened and to learn from it, although that’s probably cold comfort when it’s your behind 😣 This is not a judgement on your DS at all because he is two and couldn’t have had any concept of how much it would have hurt- but as biting can cause horrible injuries and is incredibly painful, it’s probably not the worst thing in the world that he’s learnt that people have big reactions to being bitten, and other children may well react in a similar way if he were to bite them at nursery, playgroup etc.

I really understand how you feel because we were hit as kids and it was horrible, so I’ve ended up overapologising to my own child on the odd occasion when I’ve done something similar because I never wanted him to feel the way I felt. I was timid and fearful of the parent who used to smack me, and he has no such issues because there’s a huge difference between purposefully deciding to physically discipline a child and swatting out automatically because you’re in terrible pain. I’d apologise and say it was an accident (because it was), but it’s also important that the message that we don’t ever ever bite, so I wouldn’t go overboard.

In the circumstances it’s ok. It might be worth telling nursery/child minder etc as he might tell them.. and it’s better to come from you.

You'll just have to chalk this one up to the reflex arc, op. You'll react to pain before the brain kicks in. It's okay - worse things happen at sea.

It was instinct.

Nothing wrong in him learning that if you sneak up behind someone and hurt them they will instinctively lash out.

Don't think about it again. He's fine and you did what anyone would do.

You acted on instinct then apologised so you’ve done everything you can. Nothing to feel guilty about.

Quite honestly he has learned a valuable lesson - if you hurt someone they may hurt you back. I bet he won’t do it again.

I think you need to realise the difference between hitting out and hitting him. You didn’t hit him, as in, you didn’t go to him and set out to harm him. You hit out in reaction to being bitten and in the process caught him. He should have been upset by your reaction - he hurt you intentionally! I think what you did was a completely reasonable reaction and he will have learned the lesson from it.

That’s why playpens were invented.

For a 2 year old? Are you suggesting a 2 year old should be in a playpen while OP is cooking or that she keeps a playpen up to shove him in as punishment?

Either way- no.

Don't be too hard on yourself, he has to learn not to bite people on the bum. It's a harsh lesson 💐

Ds is much too big for a playpen now, he's very tall for his age and was able to climb out of the one we used to use by 1.5. Plus he got very frustrated in it as he wanted to be with me or able to reach whatever toys he wanted which is understandable as he's got more independent. He's a very, very well behaved wee boy 99% of the time and was set up happily playing with his trucks while I watched him. I had turned my back for a second. I wouldn't physically have room in my kitchen for a playpen either so he'd have been unsupervised in it in another room if I'd used one.

Thanks everyone for the reassurance and for those who shared on solidarity I really do appreciate it and feel much better from reading all the comments xx

Even the nicest little kids need to let the little devil on their shoulder win sometimes. He’s never bitten a bum before 😁 now he knows what happens. When he’s older he’ll bite a bouncy ball, poke his fingers in hot wax, chew the rubber off his pencil etc. Kids like to know what things feel like. Adults too. Sometimes you’ve just got to take the risk and bite a bum!

My Dd2 hit my Dd1 on the head with a tennis racquet twice , they were about 8 and 9 . She really hurt her and l was just so panicked l smacked my Dd2 on her bottom. I have never ever smacked them . This was the first and only time.
I felt so guilty about it but it was pure shock and panic .
I said to my Dd2 not so long ago that l felt awful about it and she said ' l deserved it don't feel bad about it l was awful to do that ' .The moral of the story is to forgive yourself we are only human .

Its perfectly acceptable to hit someone away if they are biting and hurting you.
how would you expect him to react if another child bit him?

I slapped my child once when he was about 6 , more in shock and fear when he did something really dangerous when we were in the car driving . I was instantly remorseful and apologised to him but the little Monkey knows how bad I feel and brings it up years later in a jokey way when ever he wants to do something he’s not allowed to.. I felt awful but I think I got such a fright and just reacted..