What the fuck do I do?!

[theblackflash]

This could be long and complicated so I will try and be minimal but clear. So, DS almost 11 has not enjoyed staying with his dad since we separated. Tells me he pressurised getting hair cut constantly (it’s long and how he likes it), tries to make him do outdoorsy stuff like camping, fishing ect. He is a comfort, indoors gamer type. Struggles with loud busy environments, too much social interaction also. He shouts and punishes and ds feels like he really can’t do anything right. The final straw was he felt so uncomfortable he ran away from his dads about 9 o’clock at night to my house in the dark and pouring rain. Crying, hyperventilating.

I stopped contact to try and resolve the situation. This lasted about 3 months then ds suddenly decided he was fine. Went back to dad’s and daddy is wonderful.

one month later I am called into the school to meet head and deputy to be shown 4 pages worth of writing he has done, very detailed and specific about how and why I am the worst mummy ever. I can hand on heart say none of it is true.

added side detail is ds manages to manipulate every life situation to suit his own desires; lies about things very regularly; bullies and is vile to his wee brother until he wants something and is charmingly caring; steels little things here and there; has drawn very dark, blood orientated killing type pictures his whole life; fascinated by killing crabs, seeing their “organs still intact” - his own words and has openly said he has anger issues and if his wee brother pushes him too far he knows he will really hurt him and not be in control of what he does.

I have also just discovered he can switch on the real crying and hyperventilating at the flick of a switch.

the school sees none of this. They think he needs more love and attention from me.

he now wants to live with his dad so for now I have said if that’s what you want then I will support that.

what the actual fuck.

I would let him live with his dad for bit. Being forced away from his video games into the great outdoors might be good for him. If he really hates it he might appreciate you a bit more.

I'd agree with letting him live with his dad for a bit as long as you think his father is a safe parent, but I'd also try to seek further support from school. Show them the drawings, talk to them about his previous issues with his father (possibly you have some text messages or similar from this?), what he's said about his anger. What are his friendships like, any issues there? Any other social issues at school or clubs?

This is a child who sounds like they need significant support – ideally school can support now, but at minimum, best if they know the circumstances so they are better placed to act if he does start to show some of this at school.

My goodness, what a scary and bewildering situation. I would be looking at getting some professional help, I think he needs to see a child psychologist

Is your ex the younger brother’s dad as well? Do you get on with him and can talk about any problems you have with DS?
I would let him live with his dad, he is manipulating everyone for his own benefit and needs you both to monitor him. Your youngest doesn’t sound safe around his older brother and I’d be very worried.

Does DS sometimes seem unemotional and like he doesn’t care about other people? Is his dad similar? You could look up resources for parenting kids with callous unemotional traits. They need positive reinforcement for doing the right thing (often don’t care about punishment) and can be motivated to be good if it is in their own interests.

I have had meetings with the school when it was his dad that was the target and they tried to brush it off but when I kept on at them they suggested earlier arrival and home time so he would not have a chance to bump into him so it is documented. When I’ve told them about how he feels about his brother, they laugh it off as just siblings?! Social work and police were called to do a welfare check once as ds lifted a knife in the kitchen as he said his dad was following home and scared him. I told his father this who called the police. I have mentioned the traits to all these professionals and they not bat an eye lid. I can tell the school just think I’m doing something wrong.

and yes he is completely unemotional especially when it comes to his brother. No remorse or regret. Feels entitled to take other people’s things just because he wants them, which even includes food.

what is quite concerning is how my instincts reacted to him after I found out about the school work. I was obviously heart broken and shocked but then had stomach churning fear when he got home from school. It honestly felt like that gut instinct you would get when you’re in the presence of a dangerous person but no outward signs to inform you.

he comes across so sweet and innocent times though and I’m now thinking every face he puts on could be an act. I’m so conflicted and done know who my wee boy is anymore.

i would love professional help but can’t afford private. Camhs are a show show even if the school did take me seriously.

think my best bet is to hunt out all his drawings and show them.

I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this.

Yes, I think finding as many drawings as you can and showing them is a good idea. I'd also start keeping dated notes of incidents, write down things he says as exactly as you can remember them – it will help show a pattern of behaviour and also the level of what he's saying. Lots of siblings have periods where they are fighting a lot. Not many say they'll seriously hurt their little brother.

I'm trying to think what else you might be able to access. Possibly counselling via one of the mental health or young people's charities? Or other services for vulnerable young people – he might not want counselling, but might be open to more activities-based support?

If necessary, self-refer to Early Help saying you're worried for the safety of his wee brother? You do have some history with the previous welfare check, so that would hopefully add weight to your concerns.

Let him stay with his dad and don't have him back overnight. No offence but he sounds dangerous. My friend had a situation very similar to yours, refused to let her son move in with his dad and her life has been hell ever since. Her son is now 40 and is a horrible bully, who is still ruining any new relationship she has.