20 month old and the word no…

[Lovehearts92]

Hello

im hoping some fellow mums might be able to help me out with where im going wrong.

my DD is 20 months and is an absolute delight, I find her hilarious and I’d say I’m a pretty chilled mum.

HOWEVER. Recently she is been testing me to the maximum. I usually can ignore most things but I don’t like anything that’s rude or dangerous.

for example, I tell her not to shut doors and every morning she finds it hilarious to shut the bathroom door on me. I put my foot in the way and she’ll force the door onto my foot trying to shut it. She makes me so nervous that she’s going to lose a finger and I have gone to the extreme of wedging all doors open with door stops, but she will try and drawer or cupboard door until she has something to open and shut. I’ve tried the gentle parenting route but today had to say a firm NO when she was slamming the door on my foot, and felt very guilty afterwards even though she still found it funny.

she will get on the sofa and jump, I say please get down and she laughs and does it more. I take her off the sofa and say let’s climb on something that’s safer and she says no and runs back to the sofa and does the same thing…

in terms of rudeness (which i know is a wild thing to say about a child it’s just the only word I can think of!) she will hit me in the face and say go away, or will push me off things that she considers hers and says no mummy. But doesn’t do this to anyone else and as far as nursery are concerned she’s an amazing sharer. I say that makes mummy really sad when you rell me to go away and then she just points and laughs and runs away…

I feel like I have absolutely no authority whatsoever. I know she’s only little but I’ve had a few family members tell me that I’ve too soft and if I carry on gentle parenting then ill be making a rod for my own back when she doesn’t understand authority as she gets older.

I think I’m more concerned about the fact that I feel absolutely drained and run ragged lol. Not to mention in between all this it’s constant tantrums and whining.

am I doing something wrong? Im concerned that me saying no will cause some sort effect on her as apparently it’s bad these days.‘but also I’m pretty aware that she couldn’t give a flying F About anything I say.

god someone help me lol.

I’d say 20 months is still a baby tbh!

I say no to my little one, not hundreds of times a day but usually a couple of times a day, when things like distraction aren’t working or she’s doing something dangerous.

Tbh she does seem to listen and even if she then does it again it more seems to be to see if I meant it (which I do obviously so I take her away from whatever it is she’s doing). Why not say no? It’s so clear and they do want to know what’s allowed and not allowed even if they still push it after.

I highly recommend No Bad Kids by Janet Lansbury. Transformed my thinking about children's behaviour and I've a degree in child development! Would suit your situation to a tee. The philosophy she works in starts from birth and it's so empowering.

I have a DD the same age. She’s my second so we’ve been here before.

You need to pick your battles.

Somethings I will comment on but don’t stop them doing, they get hurt and don’t do it again (draws etc.). Now we just have to say fingers near a cupboard or a door and DC understands and is very careful because they hurt their fingers a few times many months ago and they aren’t going to do that again.

Some things you do need to say no but also reinforce the no or give alternatives.

Physically move the child away or take the object away whilst saying no. Repeat as necessary

If my DD gets too rough we show her things that are acceptable eg. Stroking not hitting.

To start with it sounds like you need to decide which things are a hard no for you focus on a couple of things first and go from there.

And expect it to annoy your DD. Yes they will cry and be angry and frustrated, I get frustrated when I can’t do things I want to do. But things age when they really start working out and testing where boundaries are, as a parent you need to decide on the boundary and stick to it. You can acknowledge their feelings ‘you are frustrated because you want to play with the door but I cannot let you do that. It is not safe’ this part probably comes in a bit more when they’re older. But you can hold a boundary and still emphasise with them. Unless it’s hitting 😂 I don’t really emphasise with that one.

I think your overthinking it....20mths is still so so young.She won't be able to understand reasoning, or safety, or feelings of other people.
Take it right back to basics- one simple clear boundary or instuction, eg: 'No banging doors'.Don't make it a battle of wills- if she keeps repeating the behaviour and thinks it's a game then just move on and distract her with something else.The more you focus on it the more she will do it as she is getting a reaction for it.Also, with some things maybe look for what exploration she is gaining from it and try to re-channel that where possible (look up schemas!)
My youngest was undoing her carseat buckle and abseiling all over the car at that age finding it funny.Some people suggested to get cross with her to shock her into stopping, but whilst I did use a loud, firm voice (didn't get really angry at her as I knew she wouldn't understand and link it to the behaviour at that age) it didn't make any difference.She had no concept of safety or impulse control.I just had to find a way to prevent it.