Play dates - no return invites

[hellofromtheotherside25]

If another parent has initiated a play date and you don’t return the favour, what was your reason?

I took 3 of DS friends bowling a few weeks ago. All had a great time but I have just overheard 2 of mums planning a play date for Friday but they didn’t ask if my DS wanted to join.
i would have thought that especially after a more expensive play date like that, that they would remember to return the favour?

He is in year 2 and has never been invited. He gets plenty of birthday party invites (thankfully) but no play dates - aside from the ones that I have initiated.

He seems to get along well with everyone in his class. He is very friendly and likeable. I don’t know if it is a case of him not being in a certain clique or perhaps he is more on the outskirts or that he simply isn’t in anyone’s top 1/2/3 friends.

It just seems to happen so naturally for some people. I don’t want to feel like I am forcing him/ourselves upon people either. But would love for him to have those experiences.

Anyone have this issue, and successfully overcome it?

If my child doesn’t want to reciprocate
I say, sure but no more accepting of an invite from them

or… I’m busy or redecorating or I just keep forgetting

My 2 rarely get invited too :( but we do host fairly regularly. We only really have weekends that we could facilitate whether attending or hosting anyway, and the half terms fly by so we end up mainly doing playdates in the holidays.

Could be a case of just very busy lives op? I was never really anyone’s top friend in school - I was friends with everyone, which sounds like what you would hope for for your kids, but actually you can end up as no-one’s priority.

Off the back of this I’ve just asked DS2’s his top 3 friends so we can arrange some stuff:

Friend 1 - we see lots and doesn’t go to his school

Friend 2 - never comes to anything, parents never reply, neither of their kids have ever RSVPd to a party invite - cultural I think

Friend 3 - brings out the worst in DS and is absolutely too much

Also, sorry, ETA again - it’s a temporary problem hopefully OP because in a couple of years they’ll be organising their own social things (round here at least, freedom around year 5) and then a couple of years after that they’ll go to high school and find a new lot of friends probably anyway.

@Nosetotoeare you ok?

If the child was poorly behaved

I'd the kids don't really show much interest in playing together

If we've just got too much on / it's tricky to find a time that suits everyone

What was that?? 😵‍💫

Mine are a bit older now, and facilitate their own. But, I found playdates here were organised by mums who were friends. I'd invite heaps to my DC parties & they always came, and parents were lovely to me, but we rarely got reciprocal invites. Another mum who is on my social media posted pictures constantly of being at those parties & I overheard her constantly organising play dates, especially in the holidays.

She's a fun mum, who lives in the moment & doesn't care about career etc. & makes it a point to make friends with the other mums. So, they organise playdates.

I got my DC into activities outside school, where they could make more friends.

I tend to host more than we are hosted. The only person I haven't invited back after is one of the local mums who I just don't gel with and find really intense. Our DHs are friendly but I do not enjoy her company and won't be inviting her back.

There is one friend who usually comes here and says we are welcome at hers but it's small and has never actually invited us but I think that is a genuine reason.

I also initiate fewer play dates now generally as we are busy and it's nice to have some downtime on days off.

I’m wondering if it’s actually the two mums who are close friends so it’s convenient for the kids to play together? This seemed to be the case when my son was at school. I don’t know though it’s just an observation

My child has never been invited round to play. He is very well behaved and his friends love coming here and parents ask too. I assume the reason is that the other children live in quite small flats, so it’s hard for them to host. Whereas we have a house & garden. I don’t take it personally or stop hosting.

I think this might be the case. Friends with everyone, which is great in some ways, but not anyone’s priority.
He seems fine, not complaining or feeling like he’s missing out. I just expected return invites!
At least it’s only temporary I suppose.

1. Lack of time and planning. Even a very simple play date requires some preparation like basic house tidy, buying drinks/fruits/snacks, making sure there's enough space for kids to play etc. Not to mention another round of tidying up after they leave. Some weekends it's just too much effort.

2. How well parents know each other. It's much easier and enjoyable to have a play date with a mum you already know. Bear in mind even in a single class, lots of mums have "secret" connections you may not know about. Some might have been friends well before they had children, some might have many mutual friends, some might know each other very well through their partners, some might have family or work related connections. DD goes to a fairly small school and there are at least 4 other families in her year who we knew very well before they started school.

3. Drop off parents. This only applies to younger children (6 and below) but I've never been a fan of parents who treat playdates like free childcare. Smaller kids need a bit more supervision and I always appreciate mums who stay to make sure their kids are fine.

4. Last one is brutally honest but everyone has to admit there's a kernel of truth. It's often not the kids who need to be in a certain clique but the mums. Some mums are more popular and other families want to associate with them. These could be ones who are connected to the school in some way, who have insider gossip or info, the ones who are wealthy or locally famous or have partners with beneficial jobs (doctor, dentist, business owner etc).

My initial reaction was it relates more to the parent relationships than the child’s…

Playdates aren’t reciprocal. Some people invite everyone over, some people never do, some people only ever want one child visiting at a time.

If you want to treat your child’s friends to bowling, do so because it will be fun for your son. Don’t do it if you are keeping tally and think that because you spent money on an outing other people owe you a similar type of interaction.

It’s unlikely to be about your son OP - maybe the other parents are friends and fancy a catch up while the kids run around.

Agree it is about the parents rather than the children mostly.

Three is often a tricky number when hosting a play date at home, I find it a hard dynamic. I usually aim for only having one friend round (or up it to 4) as with 3 they tend to argue more.

Lots of parents work so play dates may not be possible, especially if WFH and not using after school care. My DS didn't want to go to other kids houses. Didn't like dogs for example.