Dreading my partner going back to work

[enchanted1221]

I had my first baby 4 weeks ago tomorrow. I’m struggling with my mental health and I’m under the Perinatal Team. We ended up calling out of hours crisis team yesterday because I just felt so low and overwhelmed, constant crying. My partner is going back to work tomorrow after a month off. He will be gone for around 12 hours a day minimum - he’s in the police so if he gets caught on a job he can also be off late. I am finding the idea of it so so daunting. We’ve pretty much been sharing the feeds etc 50/50 and I’ve had a lot of opportunities to go and have a lay down during the day etc which I won’t get when he’s gone. I just do not know how I’m going to cope physically and mentally and I am just so terrified :(

Any words of encouragement / stories of how you manage when your partner is at work greatly welcomed x

I could have written this myself a few weeks ago. My partner does 12 hour shifts and the thought of him going back to work fuelled my anxiety massively. He works day and night shifts. I have an almost 6 week old baby and I still feel dread on the days/nights I know that he’s at work.
Just the thought of him not being there, even just someone for me to talk to or cry to! I’m also struggling with my mental health.

although I’d prefer him to be home with me all of the time and not go to work, I know that I can and have been doing it and you can too! You will fall into your own flow and own way of doing things and you’ll be so proud of yourself for getting through it. And things will get easier! I’m in the thick of things right now and finding things really difficult but know I don’t have an option but just do my best.
you can do it.
always a message away if you need to speak to someone xx

It's horrible. My DH went back to work after 3 weeks and I spent week no.3 crying being scared of what it would be like without him. It was hard as fuck, not gonna lie. But I survived it. Baby thrived.

Do you have anyone to come in the day to check on you? Have a chat?

If he's doing 12 hr shifts, presumably he doesn't work 5 days a week?

Are you able to make the feeds for the day and keep them at the back of the fridge where it’s the coldest?

If you do this then it might not be as difficult as making up each feed freshly?

The other alternative to help you with feeds would be a rapid cool?

I’m so sorry that you’re feeling like this. You will get through it and get better and you’re doing well reaching out for help

Re feeds, I used to boil water the night before, pour into 6/8 bottles, seal and leave to cool. The boiled water will remain sterile even at room temperature if left alone. I would then measure out each powder dose into pots (Tommy Tippee etc), and that meant all I had to do the next day was tip the powder into a fresh bottle each time. It was also portable, just take however many bottles and pots needed for the duration of time I was going to be out and off I went.

Re support, do you have any baby mum friends, from NCT or antenatal classes? Or are there any baby groups you could go to? I really recommend getting out of the house, it will make you feel so much better, doesn’t have to be every day, but 2-3 times a week. Best of luck, you can do this 💐

This was me with my son 7 years ago. It seems daunting now but it’s actually quite nice to get time alone with baby bonding and finding your own routine. Maybe look into baby classes near you too so it breaks up the day…if you feel able!!

I found personally best thing for me to do was get out the house even if it was for a walk so that I wasn’t getting cabin fever

do baby classes to break up the day.
if you formula feed, get a prep machine.
its always daunting the first time you do something, my baby number 2 is 7 months and trust me, every day it all gets easier xx

I was exactly the same! I was absolutely terrified of being on my own with the baby when my husband went back to work as I just didn’t have a clue what I was doing and had no support around me whatsoever. However as the days went on I did manage to get myself into a routine and gradually my confidence grew and eventually I knew what to do. I have every confidence in you that you can do this and it will get easier I promise.

Do you have family nearby who can help? Friends with babies? If not, get on the peanut app or local Facebook page for new mums and meet up with some. Getting some adult company and getting out of the house will help massively.

I get this can be scary my DH is military and was deployed when our baby was 3 weeks old.

My tips would be

1. lower your expectations. It doesn't matter if no one is dressed at 1pm in the afternoon
2. try and get out the house each day. Every if it's just for a walk around the block. You will both feel better for it.
3. look for a baby class or playgroup twice a week or a bit more. It's for you not baby at this stage. To just get out and see another human and know you're all in it together
4. food shop online.
5. perfect prep machine - god send
6. a well fitting sling/carrier so you don't feel nap trapped
7. DH still needs to contribute a lot. Soon as he comes home you go to bed. He still needs to do some of the night feeds. You cannot do it all alone.

You've got this mama!

I remember being exactly the same with DD1 (now nearly 2). In my case, routine was key. Get up out of bed, even if it’s just to move to the couch. As pp’s have said, go to classes/playgroups if you can - very much for you at this stage not DC. I won’t say what a lot of people say about “housework can wait” because I hated hearing that and the house being a mess made me feel so much worse. My logic was I’m going to be knackered anyway, I might as well be knackered & busy. If DC won’t be put down to sleep, a carrier or wrap is a great solution. DD1 only slept during the day in her carrier for the first few months & it let me get so much done while the motion soothed her. When you do cook, double up so you have portions to freeze. And when DH gets home, if you need it, go to bed for a few hours in the evening while he’s there to have DC so you get some uninterrupted sleep.

It will get easier, honestly! I’m currently 6 weeks pp with DD2 and if me from first pp could see me now she wouldn’t believe it. Good luck op, update if you can.

Even though my kids are 17 & 21 I can honestly remember this time so clearly!! It's so overwhelming and terrifying. Have you got friends/family/colleagues/neighbours who can visit you or you can pop to see them if you feel up to it? Toddler groups honestly saved my life. I'm seeing a friend tomorrow for lunch who I met 21 years ago at a post-natal group run by my doctors surgery. I got my DH to make me a sandwich and pop in fridge for me before he left for work as my 1st DC was a velcro baby & putting her down was hard as she cried a lot. My family all lived 140 miles away so no real help to me. It was so hard I won't lie. But honestly just try and talk to people every day if you can. Even if it's an old lady and her dog in the park. It will cheer you up. You can do this. Good luck 💗

Oh and pick a good box set for when you are feeding etc! Enjoy that downtime & make it something for you as well as DC.

Do you have any family or close friends you can ask to come be with you?

I had my mum come down the first week as I was so scared I wouldn’t manage.

It isn’t until you do it by yourself that you realise you can. It is so scary.

I hope you are doing ok today! Sending love!

Book into baby classes … seeing others on the same boat was such a help … literally life changing … they are now lifelong friends 22 years later

it is hard but you will get through and find your groove … one day at a time lovely x

Get yourself out the house every single day. Sitting around inside will make you even more overwhelmed.
This will pass. In no time you too will be back at work in your routine and this hellish stage will be a distant memory.

The 100% best thing for your physical and mental health with a newborn is to put them in a carrier and go out for a walk. Baby loves closeness, they sleep and you get some “space” and exercise. I totally miss maternity leave and my children being babies for this one reason alone. Enjoy having a newborn in this lovely summer weather. Stick a muslin over the top and let them nap.

n/a to you OP but for anyone BF this can also be done from a sling like Baby Bjorn (if you are not too large in the cleavage dept) - I loved doing a secret feed on a walk or even round M&S 🤫😆

Are u a naturally anxious person? Because if so having a baby will definitely intensify that feeling but you'll get there. It's hard of course but it's manageable, as others have said watch box sets whilst feeding, sleep when the baby sleeps (forget thehousework for now just get the bare minimum done such as washing clothes and dishes) if you're up to it go to any groups, it'll break the day up and you can chat to other mums, go for a walk when it's nice weather and listen to music or a podcast. Above all, what save dme was being organized! Get them feeds prepped the night before, batch cook dinners/lunches for yourself and always try and find 10 minutes for a shower because itll 100% make u feel better. DW you've got this.

Might seem strange - Ifelt like this, and my health visitor advised me to have a drink - water/tea etc every hour during the day, and maybe a biscuit or small snack. It was an easy thing to do, and did help my mood. I didn't think I needed all that liquid but found I was thirsty, once I started doing it. Worth a try xx

My oldest is now 11 years old, but i still remember feeling just like that! My husband works in events so his first job took him away for a few days. Night one and at 3am i was still in clothes, still had make up on, and hadn't had tea. My little one did not sleep well... The things I learnt was:

1. lower expectations, if all you do is feed baby all day thats ok, don't feel pressured to do housework, wash up etc, some days baby will just need you all day
2. A sling will really help as you'll be less stuck on the sofa for naps - mine would only sleep on me for months, and i regretted not having a sling for my first, my second lived on one! Then at least you can potter round, get yourself some lunch etc
3. try and get out once a day if you can, baby group, walk, coffee with someone, it really helped to break up the day - do you have friends you can book in to meet up with, to have something to look forward to?
4. meal prep in advance when husband is around, so that you can just throw something in the microwave that you can eat one handed.
5. get changed back into pjs and take makeup off (if you even managed that!!) etc early in the evening, so that if you can just go to bed and sleep then you can!

And be assured its totally not just you, and its daunting and scary, but you will quickly find your way, you'll make your own routine, and it does get better and easier as the days go by - its still very very early days. Good luck - you've got this! It will be ok!

Oh and also - one of the best things i had was a box next to the sofa with a water bottled that i filled up each morning, the tv remote, tissues, a couple of snacks, book, a portable charger for my phone etc, so if baby was feeding / sleeping, i could just grab that and had all the things i might need next to me, and i wasn't stuck with those things out of reach. That was sooooooo helpful when i was solo, and had no-one to pass me things! It was then my go-to gift for all my friends when they had babies!

What you're feeling is not abnormal but it is still distressing. Could I suggest some sessions with a counsellor who specialises in birth/parenting/perinatal/postnatal mental health? Look for one that is happy for you to take your baby with you if you want to and/or have them present if it's online counselling.

Counselling Directory is a reliable place to find fully qualified counsellors

www.counselling-directory.org.uk/

Do you have any friends or family OP that you can arrange to meet? Sounds like you’re having a particularly hard time so could someone come a stay for a bit?

It is hugely overwhelming at first, but you need to find your rhythm. Getting out for a walk, and speaking to another person makes a massive difference to your sanity. Having some purpose to the day, even that is just to walk to the corner shop at some point in the day really helps.

Get your DH to do a lot in advance. So make you a sandwich left in the fridge or get some easy dinners in that you can just stick in the oven/microwave. make sure there’s no shortages of milk or nappies or any essentials. Bring you a cuppa before he goes. Make sure he keeps on top of the washing/washing up etc so you aren’t overwhelmed by mess. Shower when your DH is home if you can so it’s one less thing to stress about when you’re alone.

Hopefully you’ll be a pro in no time! Getting out to baby groups really helped me, so maybe see if there are any local to you

You will get through it.
Some tips that helped me;
-Lower your standards. My house was a tip for a long time. Do the absolute basics when you're husband's not there.
-get dressed everyday. The days I didn't I always felt a bit low.

• get out the house every day. It was a struggle at first, but even a walk around the block helps a load

-a routine makes a huge difference, even this young.

• mumma and baby classes, even when baby is newborn. You meet other mums and realise you're not alone.

-dont beat yourself up about having bad days and not enjoying every moment, it's bloody hard!!

This was me about 5.5years ago. You will most definitely get through this.

I started on citalopram which really helped to level my mood and reduce my anxiety, quite quickly too... or perhaps it was just the fact I was taking action to improve things.

get yourself in to a nice little routine, that involves getting out of the house.

i used to find between 4-6pm really hard in the early days (before weaning and cleaning took up that time haha!) but you'll find little things that will help relax and settle baby at those tricky times and give you a chance to regroup.

BabyTV, cocomelon songs and CBeebies helped a lot when needed too! Be kind to yourself!

I'm pretty sure you need to add hot water to formula to kill any bacteria in the formula, boiling water is not about the water being sterile...at 4 weeks I would not be taking these chances, sorry. Older baby, probably fine.