Co-parenting with Global Developmental Delay

[GreatRubyPanda]

My partner has a son with his ex. Her mum has parental responsibility and does most of the communication/caring for the child. The child has global developmental delay and autism as well as other additional needs including being non-verbal. We used to see the son every Saturday day time but he lives over an hour away so would have 3 hours of travel every week. We eventually negotiated an overnight stay every two weeks Saturday-Sunday (my partner had to apply for mediation to get them to even think about it). The child has a great time with us, settles well and sleeps well but according to them he is extremely distressed when he goes home and is unsettled due to the ‘changes in routine’ when he comes to see us. We have recently asked for additional overnight so we would have Friday-Sunday with two night stays. They said no and apparently spoke to a solicitor who said he shouldn’t even have any overnights due to his additional needs and all the ‘distress’ it causes him. We are just unsure if this is true or if they are just preventing us from having the extra night (probably due to them getting less maintenance money) because he is extremely happy and not distressed at all when he stays with us and we are unsure how an additional night will make this any worse.

PS the child is frequently constipated which means he is often in significant pain. Grandma/mum say it’s because he’s distressed that he’s constipated which then makes him more distressed because of the pain. We are concerned as they have him on a vegan diet with lots of toast and give him Movicol to help rather than look at the cause of the problem.

It is quite common for autistic people to mask and then break down after a period of masking. This would make sense if he’s only with you one night a fortnight. Non verbal and gdd the kid will likely be heavily reliant on routine to feel safe and understand what’s happening around them. You could help by asking mum what the home routine is and implement that, use visual timetables if the kid is used to these. Ask about how school and mum support the kid and fall in line with this. Then hopefully the kid will feel the need to mask less while with you.

unless you are paying hundreds in maintenance then I can’t see the drop being enough to justify a financial motivation. Perhaps offer to have the increased contact and not reduce the maintenance? That will answer the question if this is financially motivated.

i have a high needs autistic child and my ex loves to reduce his contact and blame me. The reduction in maintenance from one extra night a week won’t cover the cost of one night out a month, money does not recharge your batteries like a night of full sleep with no additional needs child to care for can. I would pick the ‘time off’ over the pennies I get in maintenance any day and I know of lots of other single SEND parents with similar experiences and feelings with ex saying they blocking contact when they absolutely are not. So I read this with a pinch of salt really. How much of the care for the child are you doing personally? Are you being used as free childcare? If you did no care would your partner still see the child? I’d set that boundary right now tbh because it’s upsetting for children to have a relationship with their dad facilitated by dads gf then have that relationship dissolved when gf works out she’s being used and leaves.

Speaking from direct experience here. It's a real positive that your partner actively maintains contact with his son and that you support his contact so kudos for that.
BUT with the level of contact past and present you honestly have no clue about the realities of what's involved in the full time care of a child with such complex needs. I agree with the solicitor that no overnights are appropriate, this is a child that is unable to tell you how they're feeling or what they need. Although he seems fine when he's with you the distress and being unsettled when back at home would be pretty typical, like a delayed reaction from the disruption and separation.
If your partner is a good dad he needs to put the child's needs first. Could you not work out a way to spend the day with him near to home every weekend or every other weekend but then take him home? That would seem a much more suitable arrangement that takes proper account of the child's needs.
I'm afraid your comment about the constipation only emphasises how little you know and understand about the nature of autism and complex needs. It's extremely common, restrictive eating is a very common element that only make the constipation worse, and yes, stress/distress can make it worse particularly if the child withholds. Three hours inactive in the car won't be helping either. This child isn't ready for the arrangements you want for him and respectfully you and your DP need to invest some time in learning about parenting needs at this level.

Does your partner also have parental responsibility, or only the grandmother? How involved is your partner in his son's development and medical reviews? In any childcare he attends or his school, depending on age? If he's not already, involvement in those would be a good route to getting a fuller picture of his son's needs and how contact with his father (which is good, absolutely your partner should play as significant a role as possible in his son's life) will work best for the child.

It may be that overnights are not in his best interest. It may be that more coordination between granny and daddy around routines, etc. is necessary to support the child with overnights. Or it may be something else.

What sort of diet does the child have when he's with you? As PP say, restricted diets are very common with these sorts of needs, to the extent that normal healthy eating considerations can have to go out the window.

Hi all. Thanks for your responses. It’s good to hear that they are genuinely looking out for him and not trying to spite my partner. It’s easy to doubt them because they’ve been difficult and argumentative before.

My partner worries about the maintenance as he pays to Mum who doesn’t appear to be around much, or at least around as much as Grandma. They have had difficulty with money in the past during their relationship/split with Mum trying to take my partner’s money that belonged to him - hence the worry that she just wants extra money. All three of them have parental responsibility, but Grandma looks after him the most as mum is often unwell.

We try to have a very similar routine (especially nighttime) to what he has at home, and make sure to align this if they make any changes. His bedroom is laid out almost exactly the same with the same pre-bed time routine - he even takes us up to bed when he is ready. The rest of the days are a very usual routine for him which he seems to cope with. I understand he might be masking some times, I did not think to consider this. We have witnessed a few extreme moments of distress/meltdowns which hopefully means he is able to not mask all the time. He genuinely seems happy with us and gets upset if he needs to, mainly about his stomach.

My partner tries to get more information about his child and school/medical information but he isn’t told much by Grandma and once rang up his school to ask about him as was met with angry messages from Mum telling him not to do anything like that. He would be more involved if he could, but they simply don’t give him that option. Even if he had a say in schools etc, they would not consider his choice.

We did use to see him every Saturday throughout the day but did drive him to our home and back. If we didn’t have overnights maybe doing something close to home is better for him, but it still means driving quite a bit in one day.

I understand that overnights might not be in his best interest just yet, my partner just doesn’t want to lose them as he thinks it’s important to have that contact with him and his son, especially with the settled side we see of him.

As for food/diet, he is not a picky child at all and eats whatever is given to him (even tries to get other people’s food) so for constipation it seems more stress related/if he holds it in. But he has a particular way to let himself have a poo which he seems not to hold in and does it when he needs (apart from lately when he can’t physically do so). He is more in pain from it not coming out.

From my side, I spend time with the child because I love him and he loves me also (we do have a lovely bond - he often comes to me over anyone else). I do tend to not be there all the time to allow my partner to spend time with his family as well with his son. I am there when it’s just my partner and his son but not always there when his whole family is.

We obviously want him to have the best life and care possible and want to contribute to that as best we could, we are just unsure what is best and how to work it.

Thank you for your advice and information. I need to do more learning on this topic.

PS sorry if I have done anything wrong, I am new to this site

@Burntt @Seelybee @skkyelark

Is there any other way for my partner to see more of his son?

We have witnessed a few extreme moments of distress/meltdowns which hopefully means he is able to not mask all the time

I wouldn't see a meltdown/moments of distress as a positive.
Meltdowns often occur when an Autistic individual is buckling under the pressure of masking!

@GreatRubyPanda you've done nothing wrong. The further information you've given is helpful. Not sure how/why Grandma can have parental responsibility but it does sound as if mum is calling the shots selectively in that regard. Your partner is fully entitled to receive exactly the same info from school as mum and should ask to receive copies of all reports/meetings etc. Likewise he is entitled to have an input to medical and educational decisions, that isn't mum's choice. Child maintenance is an obligation but unconnected to those other entitlements of parental responsibility.
To truly co-parent a complex needs child I think you'd to live a lot closer and be able to spend much more time sharing everything involved in his care. That would be the way to build up overnights very gradually but tbh in the current situation it's going to be difficult. If your partner pursued a formal child arrangements order through the family court it's a horrible process. He might end up with an order giving him more contact but if mum/grandma were to breach it in practice enforcement is very unlikely where a child has complex needs.

I’m sorry, I didn’t mean anything bad by this. I just want him to feel comfortable enough to show us how he is feeling

@Seelybe Hi, thanks again for your message. They applied to the court to get parental responsibility for Grandma which is where we got the court order for contact every Saturday. My partner is scared to do anything that will cause them to remove the current overnight as it is not in the court order and it would be a lengthy/expensive process to get it official. He should definitely get in contact with the school to access to the information then!
Unfortunately we couldn’t even think to move closer as we’ve just bought a house down here near the rest of our families. I guess for my partner he will just have to enjoy the current overnight stay and understand if that gets cancelled due to his additional needs. We just want what’s best for him, my partner just obviously misses him.