what do you do when you parenting differs?

[quickdrawmcgraw]

dh is driving me a bit mad a the moment as he is a lot stricter than I am. Dc's seem behave worse for him because he (I feel) creates a wall for them to argue against.
He has lots of rules about what they are and aren't allowed to do in the house and garden and when he comes in from work he starts reeling off everything. 'Get off the arm of the sofa, stop sniffing, clear up the toys in the garden, take your lunchboxes out of your bags...etc.etc. It seems to go on and on.

I feel that the dcs should be allowed to do as much running, playing and jumping about as long as they're careful and don't break anything.
Dh says it is not unreasonable to not allow football in the garden as it could damage the flowers but I'd rather not have any flowers than for them to feel they'd rather watch telly than get into trouble for doing something in the garden.

I also think that they should be allowed make as much mess as they like as long as they clear it up when they're told. Dh thinks they should do it without being told so ends up giving a lecture about little things 'I've told you again and again..., I'm blue in the face telling you..., why can't you...etc etc' This in my mind, is too many words for a child and I can see them shutting off and just waiting for him to finish.
I got him to read 'How to talk so kids will listen' but he has pretty much dismissed it as too 'new age'
I'm a SAHM so with the dcs a lot more and what I find works is encouraging them to WANT to do good and helpful things and not just expecting them to and scolding them when they don't.
I spoke to him (again) about it last night and he says that he'd love not to have to give out all the time and maybe if I was a bit stricter about enforcing (his) rules then he wouldn't have to but how can I enforce rules I don't agree with?
I actually find it very difficult to talk to him about it as I stupidly get teary at the first sign of confrontation and can't get words out. It makes me feel like a complete wet but I can't help it.

I just ask dh outright, why can't they sit on the arm of the sofa (actually it is climb along the back and jump off at our house). If there is no logical reason ie safety or breakage then they do as they please.

I think he needs to understand that there has to be a joint set of rules that are actually workable. Not practical or sensible for him to have one set of standards and expect the kids to suddenly change tack the minute he walks in the door. And not on to insist you do it his way when you don't like it and he isn't bloody well there.

The flowers thing is pathetic - does he really want the kids to be cooped up inside rather than getting fresh air and exercise? If you want to enter your garden for Chelsea, wait until your children are sulky teenagers who never emerge from their pits...

Seriously, I think this is about a lack of respect - he's trying to order you about as well as the kids. Has he ever spent much time on his own with them, trying to run the house as well? Worth planning a weekend away and leaving him to get on with it. So he sees for himself what it's like.

Also, look at his relationship with his parents - were they very strict and how does he get on with them now?

oh he'd just say 'long term weakening of the frame' or some such and then 'there's no reason why they shouldn't just sit on the seats anyway.' I feel like screaming 'but they're children that's the way they WANT to sit' but it cuts no ice.

Interesting about his relationship with his parents. His father was very very strict and he 's still afraid of him. His mum's is lovely and he'd do anyhting for her. I do sometimes say that does he really want dd and ds to have the same relationship with him as he has with his father but he says it's just that they should have respect for people and things.

The garden thing was the last straw. When we bought the house the garden was a patch of grass and dh has worked hard to make it fabulous. All along I've said 'I don't want it to be a precious garden, I want them to be able to kick a ball around' but now this. He says there are plenty of other games they can play in the garden that don't damage the plants.
Oh god maybe he's right but I think they should have absolute freedom to play what they like outdoors as long as they're not damaging things of purpose.
He does spend a lot of time on his own with them and because they're a little bit older they are pretty easy to manage. He would cope fine with them on his own for a week and would have all the laundry done and the house would be immaculate.
I do feel he's trying to order me about as well as the children though.

Sounds like you need to have a chat about where you want to go long term with your parenting so you can work out some standard rules.

I don't think there is any harm in teaching them to respect the sofa. Ours is only 3 yrs old and one of the few pieces of furniture we have bought new so DCs are not allowed to stand up/jump on it or sit on the back. They know why but do accept it. Of course they need reminding once a day it doesn't seem to be a problem, perhaps because there aren't many other rules? Also we do word it in a 'how to talk way' eg the sofa is for sitting on or if you need to reach up high, fetch the step'

HTH

My DH will tell them not to sit on the sofa arm... whilst perching on the chair back himself!

You both ned to sit down together and agree on rules that are aceptable to both of you. I won't let children sit on arms of chairs or jump on them as chairs can break. But they do need to be able to run about and play in the garden. Si he is beirng unreasionable to not let them play football.

My DH will tell them not to sit on the sofa arm... whilst perching on the chair back himself!