Am I the asshole? Equal parenting tips

[Mamamio]

I'm a new mum of a beautiful 9 month daughter but I'm really struggling today and I just need some advice.

For context, I had a horrific birth that left me with pretty awful birth injuries. My husband had 6 weeks of paternity leave and during this time took care of me so I could heal. He would cook for us, do the food shopping, clean the house and look after me whether it was getting into the shower or helping me clean wounds.

The issue arises when he returned back to work. Now I knew I'd be taking the lions share here but I wasn't expecting to be doing ALL of it. All the cooking, cleaning, nappies, feeds, night wakes, DIY, life admin, etc. If I do not do it, it does not get done and with two weeks to me returning to work it is finally taking its toll.

I have explicitly told him, when calm, about how I need help. He tells me to ask so I ask and get told no or, at the very best, a very dramatised performance occurs of "Do I really have to?" when the task is simply feeding the baby I handed to him, bottle too, whilst I finish making dinner. It is driving me insane.

I have also asked for lie ins on a weekend, proposing one of us has the Saturday, the other has the Sunday. He seems keen to take his lie ins but I never get mine. I've had two in the 7.5 months he's been back at work.

Today, I feel like I've finally snapped. Yesterday, I started coming down with a bad cold and was feeling rotten. Still made it to his family dinner where I listened to him telling everyone how great life is, how easy the baby is, using the royal we for all the work I do, even the DIY he never lifted a finger to. In the night, I came down with a fever, and the baby had a bad night too. This is uncharacteristic for her, up every hour or so crying, so could be she's ill like I am or her teething has reached a new level. He never once got up, made a move or uttered a word. He knew I was sick and he didn't care it was me up repeatedly. In the end, took her downstairs and she would only sleep in my arms. Cue me being awake from 3am.

And my husband? Had a lovely sleep, shower and headed to work sending me a string of texts to rub around for errands for him. I explained what happened last night and how were both unwell. All I get back is about a mild sprain he has from two and a half weeks ago. Nothing in response to how I am, how I need help, or anything remotely useful.

I know I'm cranky when exhausted and ill, but is this right? I'm meant to be splashing out £450 for a hot tub cabin weekend in a family friendly holiday park for Father's Day and I have been going over and over in my mind since 3am should I even bother for a guy who stopped helping me and my baby and who never even bothered to get me a card for my first mother's day.

Can anyone relate to this or have any suggestions on fixing it? I honestly feel like my husband isn't the man I knew before having a baby or even the same guy from those first 6 weeks and I'm just carrying this burden of hurt. I've tried to discuss other things that hurt, like the card, but he just tells me to get over it. I thought he'd know better, given I don't have that classic mum and baby photo after birth because of the birth I had, that every "first" is all that more important to me. How personalised, first father's day card is already there waiting and even that feels stale.

If he didn’t have a partner then he would be doing his own cooking and cleaning? Was this split equally before you had a baby?

I think the fact that she says get over it rather than learning from mistakes doesn’t bode well.

It's fucking hard...

Firstly - Save your money and book a pub lunch for fathers day spend the £££ on early childcare / settling so you have some alon time the week before you go back to work

Then after that break it down into tiny bits / wars and fight them to the grim end 🤣

I feel depressed writing this but honestly its the grim reality for most i think...
If he wont come willingly You have to fight him on all these points and push for yourself.

• Dont wash any of his clothes.
• Make sure your lie in is Saturday and his is Sunday.

If you dont get Saturday then you get sunday.

• Also start having "tasks to do" at the weekend and leave him solo with the baby for 1 /2 / 3 hours or send him out with the pram.

Don't ask just tell. Initially you pack or prep for him and narrate. "Nappy bag, sunscreen, sippy cup" Then you say "ill dress baby you pack... what did you pack?" And then prompt him on what's forgotten... Annnnnnnd eventually you get to a functioning parent...

My dh is now "dish boss" and I have delegated a few other jobs. I also MAKE him do nights actually forcibly. we had rows at 3am while the baby was crying 😵‍💫
I also shamed him a lot "I am doing g x you mean to tell me you are happy to let your child sit in shit while you watch football because you cant be arsed to pause it for 30 seconds... im embarassed FOR you.
I will do it if its too much trouble for you..."

And THEN in amongst all this bullshit you still need to be nice/ have fun and try and connect so your marriage doesnt wither on the vine....

He actually said “do I really have to?”

Ignore any advice on this thread about how to improve things. Just leave him for fuck sake and don’t bother with so much as a pair of socks for Father’s Day.

Fuck sake.

There's a reason why mother's day is before father's day, it's so we can see what effort they put in and reciprocate. Do not spend a penny on him if he didn't even get so much as a card.

He needs to buck his ideas off or go in the bin. He's not even doing the bare minimum. No running round for him, no extras and you need to communicate that he isn't doing enough, he should be pulling his weight at home.

Before having the baby, he did a LOT more. It wasn't perfect, don't get me wrong, but it was something. The person I'm with now is not the guy I married nor the person who was there for me at childbirth and this early 6 weeks. I just don't get it. We've been together 14 years so it's not like a "oh you didn't know him" scenario. He doesn't hate the baby, he talks to her lovingly, doesn't demonstrate jealous behaviour so I can't understand why he's like this.

We're arguing to no end as I bring it up a lot. Every time it is deflected to me - I'm cruel, I'm not sympathetic, I'm horrible etc etc. I'm completely lost because whilst I am normally a confident, strong woman this has really got to me. I called him out for gaslighting as he was making out he was doing more, and specifically asked what he had done and all I got was watering plants when there had been a massive storm every day for the last week.

I've asked if we can have a chore list where we split what's coming up between us, and that gets a resounding no because he doesn't want to be controlled but then never does anything.

Glad to see I'm not losing my mind based on these comments. I don't really want to leave I just want my old husband back. Will try the suggestions above to talk to him tonight and I definitely won't be booking the break away.

In all honesty I'd be filing for divorce. Because even if he changes periodically to appease you, he's never going to be a genuine partner again. What was his excuse for not acknowledging mothers day? Don't acknowledge father's day at all.

If you must stay with him (and normalise this sort of marriage to your DD) surely the first step would be stop cleaning up after him. Don't wash his clothes or feed him, when he asks why either ignore the question or mirror the responses he has given you. Don't run any errands for him. When he initiates sex explain to him that unfortunately his new man baby look has given you the ick.

Get into couples counselling if you hope to try save your marriage. He is not hearing you so he needs a formal setting in front of a a stranger to make him listen. If he keeps this up and nothing changes, leave him before your baby is old enough to be affected more seriously by the separation, I mean before they’re two years old.

Sorry you are going through this, it is so upsetting.

Do you see any evidence that he cares about you at all?
I'd ask him for a trial separation. It's not like you'll notice the difference if he's not there.

I second everything in this post. 9 months and I'm already back at work and am very frustrated. Things weren't nearly as bad as they sound like for you but still not in any way equal.

Going back to work didn't change anything, I'm just more tired and have more stuff to juggle.

We have made some big improvements lately and what has helped is being VERY vocal and nagging. A lot of nagging. And not being afraid of arguments. If he's ok with me being exhausted and doing everything, I'm ok with making his life harder.

I purposely stay at work longer so it forces him to spend time on his own with the baby. I also make appointments on Saturday afternoons so he has to have baby and I get some sort of a break.

It's killing every ounce of love i have for him but at least he's doing a lot more.

And definitely don't do some big gesture for Father's Day. I wanted to do the same as I love planning stuff and I always make a big deal of his birthday. I just keep reminding myself I didn't even get any flowers for Mother's Day.

No, you don't need to do anything grand for Father's Day. Your child is too young to be aware of what day it is. Do this sort of plan when she is older and can join in. Right now it will just be hard work for you and not appreciated by him.

As for when you go back to work, you make sure he does his share. Come home late a couple of nights so he has to start dinner and sort baby. Join a gym class or similar so you are out of the house and can't do bedtime.

Oh god yes... "staying at work longer"

on one hand I HATE these kind of things because they are (lets be honest) dickhead tactics but you have to fight fire with fire... and they are effective. I resorted to similar type things at various points.

We are 2 kids in with a sub 2 yr age gap so its been steep curves all round.

My DH is now honestly very good / competent but I really had to drive 90% + and it was hard yards...i qas happy to roar shout nag whatever.

I figured i was having a shit time so he could as well 😅
we also got into marriage counselling as I hit break point when youngest was 6m as was legit concerned for our marriage...

Fair play (Google it virtual card game about workload) is also worth lookig at / doing because in black and white it numerically spells out who is doing what...
My dh didnt enjoy it but it did enable me.to start moving some jobs over to him