Birthday party planning in a tricky situation.

[Ideaspleas3]

So I'm a little ahead of myself with this but summer is usually really busy and I like to have a rough plan in place for dds bday which is at the start of October so I have things prepared and I'm not under stress.

Dd will be 3 and this will be her second bday since me and stbxh split due to his behaviour. I was informed of safeguarding concerns around him and left him immediately in order to protect dd and we moved away to put space between them. However, his family have always been lovely to me and are all extremely close so I've maintained contact with them so dd will still know who that side of her family are as she gets older and we drive to see her grandparents once a month so they can have time with her.

Last year I hosted stbxhs entire family (you can't really invite one without inviting all and there are lots of siblings with their own families and two sets of great grandparents) because it felt like the right thing to do. They all attend every birthday or family occasion and all meet up together least once a week so naturally they ALL made the journey up for dd which was lovely of them.

However I found it massively overwhelming. I dreaded the entire thing for the weeks running up, I was on edge the entire day and it just was horrible for me, even though they were all nice and nothing was said. They all also arrived 2 hours late and it was a lot of people to host in my very small house. Dd had a blast and I know they really enjoyed seeing her but because they don't all see her often they kind of took over and me and my family barely got a look in. I don't even have one photo of me and her from the day with her cake, it was like we weren't even there although I understand things were still very fresh then.

My main issue is that dd and I don't really have any friends yet where we've moved to so there's no other children to invite to a soft play kind of party dd would enjoy, and at that time of year the weather isn't really good enough to be outside, especially for her great grandparents. So that basically means hosting in my house again.

Is there an easier way to do this? I want to be fair to everyone and obviously the most important thing is that DD has a great day but it's 4 months away and I'm already kind of dreading it. It was also hard navigating the effing truckload of massive expensive gifts her dad sent via his family (not that he's so much as asked how she's doing on the day to day) and dealing with that in front of all his family was just... a lot.

I'm in regular therapy and it's been helpful and I'm in a much better place than I was last October but I also feel like I'm making a rod for my back here? Is there an easier solution that's still fair to everyone? I don't want to offend anyone and I don't want DD missing out long term. The only people who really ask me regularly about her are her grandparents and part of me is wondering if I could just invite them but then I'm essentially cutting off all contact to her aunty's uncles and cousins etc. They have been supportive of me leaving stbxh but are also still fully supporting him with legal stuff etc.

Could you suggest that you visit them on a day close to her birthday and bring a cake etc to do a little birthday celebration there with whichever of the family would like to come, then do a separate "kids" birthday party with some friends from her nursery?

Some of my friends hired halls for a couple of hours and anyone who was a friend or family member could come along. They'd do a big standard buffet. Because there would be lots of kids as well they'd get a kids party dj and sometimes mascots.

If there's no other kids yet, you don't need the dj or mascots, just chuck a playlist on. Everyone sort of gets on with it with minimal bother then. Plus it's not at your home so when you're done, you can retreat.

No reason why everyone couldn't spend the day together at a zoo or aquarium with her, in a large group, unless anyone is frail and not mobile.

I don't really know any parents/kids from her nursery and she's not really got any clear friends yet even though i do make the effort to say hello and try to make chit chat at the gates. The parents are all very standoffish compared to at her old nursery. She's on the waiting list for a few kids hobbies but there's not a lot in this area so we've been waiting a while. So it would really be two family parties then and since her in laws live a few hours away that's a long way to take her. I'm hoping we'll meet more people eventually and she can have the standard birthday party with some friends but at the moment it would be all adults bar dd and two very little babies. So hiring somewhere for that seems a bit ... wasteful.

I also thought of a trip to an open farm or similar but then I'd feel obligated to pay for all the adults which would cost a fortune. Money is tight since we're now paying a fortune renting while we wait on the house selling so I'm conscious of not being wasteful. It sounds so selfish to say but I also really don't want to spend an entire day with everyone altogether I really couldn't face it. That's probably the main bit I'm dreading but is that awful to say? Obviously in different circumstances it would be up to stbxh to facilitate contact with his side of the family but since he's not involved I'm guessing that just falls to me then? I'm not sure what the expected standard is with that?

I do a pretty good job at pushing everything to the back of my mind most of the time and I guess days like her birthday will always be a bit hard in that respect, it's just shit!

I think it's a bit mad that you've ended up facilitating contact for her father's entire extended family when the father's not involved tbh! Especially spending money you don't have.

I'd keep birthdays very low key till school and then you've got an automatic friendship group.

If you want to maintain a relationship with the grandparents, take her there once in a while.

You don’t need to know the parents or kids at nursery, you just ask the nursery to dish out invitations for you and you get to know who is who at the party.

Have a nursery party for her actual birthday or don’t and just have one for you and your own family. Then go and visit the grandparents on a different day and if they invite some others to join then that’s fine.

She will not remember whether she had a 3rd birthday party or not. Just don’t have one. Get her a cake and balloons and presents, take her to soft play or whatever, buy her a t shirt that says “I’m 3” for nursery etc … but there is no reason you need to have a party at all.

Inviting children from her nursery to a party would break the ice with the mother's and hopefully by October you will know some of them better anyway. Invite a few to play dates over the summer to test the waters. Some of them may have birthday's coming up as well. Then the actual birthday can be a children's party and arrange to see the in laws another day, where they live, if you go there to see them regularly anyway.

I think being honest and discussing with the grandparents might be the best here. They seem nice people so would hopefully understand. ‘It was a lot for me last year so thinking of doing xxx this year instead’ whether that be only they come or you do a different day with that side. Maybe the grandparents could organise for you so you won’t feel obliged to pay for things if you explain money is tight too!

Regardless of the family situation I wouldn’t have a party for a 3YO because it’s a bit of a waste of time and money when they don’t really appreciate it and don’t have proper friends yet. If you want to facilitate a relationship with the paternal GPs then that’s a totally separate thing IMO.