Overwhelmed and exhausted mum

[SupermumKaty]

I know this might seem crazy but I’m missing my own time I used to have a job working 3 days a week, then I used to have one with my DD who is 3 and the other on my own to either do the housework or time for myself but I had to give up my job as my boss was starting to bully me and making my life miserable. I’ve now got a job as a midday supervisor working an hour a day, 4 days a week which I love as I still have a day off with my DD it’s not very much money at all I’ve took a huge drop in salary which my husband is supporting me financially with which I do really appreciate but it means that I’m not getting much time to myself as the mornings before work I’m busy doing housework I do try to keep 2 mornings a week to myself but it’s not enough and I do everything around the house cooking, cleaning, childcare, school runs and I get no respite in the holidays it’s constant. Even when I go away to my parents in the school holidays for a few days with the kids I can’t switch off as I’m still looking after the kids even though it is nice not to have to cook and clean for two days, I just feel resentful of my husband for getting the time to himself. I do try to get my DS who is 8 to help me more but it’s not enough to make a big difference and I’m tired all the time. My friends, my mum and my husband thinks I have it easy but I don’t and I have tried explaining it to my husband and other people but they just don’t get it. I’m miserable, tired, overwhelmed and I feel so alone.

You only work an hour a day but you feel overwhelmed with housework and are trying to rope your 8 year old into helping you out?

Your 8 year old should be responsible for age appropriate chores and nothing more. If you used to have a 3 day a week job and were happier then, then surely the problem is that you’re feeling fed up not working. You categorically cannot be run off your feet on the hours you’re working.

I would wager that the feeling that’s actually affecting you the most is loneliness. How much does your husband do with the kids? How much time do you spend alone with your husband, out with your own friends etc?

Can I ask do you have kids? And if so how old are they?

It really sounds like you would be better off in work and the children in daycare. Not everyone os cut out for domestic life (I am one of those) and that is fine.

I have a nearly 4 year old in nursery 5 days a week. I work 2 or 3 days a week and have the rest to myself apart from summer holidays etc when I don’t work and look after my son full time. I have an abundance of leisure time like you do and feel very lucky to be in this position. There is ample time to do housework and so on and still just potter about enjoying my time to myself. During holidays it’s full on with an energetic child who likes to be out all day long, but it’s a wonderful balance with the rest of the time in nursery.

You have plenty of time to yourself. There’s nothing wrong with saying it’s not for you and going back to work though.

Hi Op, I completely sympathise, it can take a while to adjust to new part time hours (and going to work an extra day even if it is for less time) and make a success of it. A school day is very short, if you have to drop off, have a couple of hours at home, get back to school to work and then pick up soon after you finish work there’s not much in the way of a stretch of time to get things done (this is very different from a nursery day, and having two DC is very different to having one). I used to struggle doing the three days, one day with DC one day to myself routine that you were making work until a horrible boss ruined it.
What worked for me making pt work was firstly hugely simplifying and reducing housework as much as I could and putting everything on a schedule. Laundry is on a routine, cleaning is too. All meals were cooked once then eaten two nights in a row, my 6yr old packs her own bags, everyone wears clothes more than once etc. Once you set out what you’re doing you will also be clear on how much it is fair to do and what your DH should be helping with.
Resentment will drain your energy a lot. If you can show dh what you’re doing and when, ask him to be more of a team and pass some jobs onto him, that may help? A difficult one though if he won’t help.
In the holidays, can you book older DC into holiday club & younger into nursery (if it runs in the holiday) - even one day every two weeks might make a difference?
I think it can be very hard mentally when everyone thinks oh she only works x hours, she must have loads of time. I was almost gaslighting myself when I went pt that I should have loads of time to do stuff, whereas the reality is, if you’re doing everything at home and working at all that is a lot.
Can you look out for a 3day pw job if that suited you better? That gives you one school day to yourself which is a lot longer stretch of time than you’re getting now?
Don’t forget it’s not forever, your DD will be in school in 1/2 years and that will give you that day a week back then if not before.
Sorry so long!!

You say you have two mornings to yourself a week, so presumably three mornings doing housework? That should be more than enough, most working parents don’t have around nine clear hours to do housework and six hours to relax a week. But your partner should be helping out in the evenings too, with stuff like cooking/washing up/dishwasher. It shouldn’t all be on you.

Thank you 🙏 I was actually going to post a final message on this thread as the first one really upset me as I didn’t think people understood what I was saying. As I’m not missing my work hours I’m just missing a full day to myself when I was working 3 days a week. But a friend pointed out to me the other day that the time I have now is not leisure as everyone seems to think I have she said you’ve been forced back into being a full time housewife with a job in the middle of the day that pays you for it and she said to me that I have every right as every other mums regardless of their circumstances to feel entitled to a day off and she said exactly what you said to utilise kids clubs in the holidays and ask my DH to help out more and reassured me that it won’t be forever as my DD will be going to school next year and I will get my day back so thank you x