Struggling with almost 3 year old

[Burntoutmum2]

I have my DD who is 6 and then my DS will be 3 in August.
I understand that this age is hard and every child is different but this really is not a patch on how my DD behaved. I love my DS endlessly and although he tests me he is so loving, however his behaviour is just getting worse and worse until I am now getting to the point that I get anxious of the idea of taking him out.
Every school run taking DD to school is a challenge. DS will run off and not stop, he will do this next to busy roads and no matter how many times I explain to him the risks and how if he is out of the pram he needs to hold my hand next to roads, he can’t seem to cope holding my hand for longer then a minute or so before he is throwing himself on the floor crying refusing to do anything until I let go of his hand so he can try and run off again, have also tried reigns with the same outcome. So he goes in his pram which takes a good five minutes of trying to get him in (with more tears), then the whole way home he cries trying to climb out of the pram with me having to lean over to make sure he can’t. His crying is so loud I honestly think all the other parents must think I’m awful but I just don’t know how else to keep him safe when he is such a flight risk next to such busy roads (he is also quite big for his age so I would struggle carrying him, I also can’t drive yet which is frustrating so walking is the only option). I try and be firm but fair but he is just so strong willed that no matter how I tackle it, he won’t listen. He’s got himself into such a frenzy before that from where he’s tried to repeatedly throw himself out of the pram he’s then got bruises on his side/hips from where the straps were.
It’s the same wherever we go. Today I took him food shopping and he refuses to sit in the trolley but also won’t stay by my side. He doesn’t listen so I leave my shopping, take him outside and tell him that we won’t go back in until he sits in the trolley as there is lots of people and we can’t be running around getting in the way. He says he will sit in the trolley but as soon as we go back in he does the same thing and arches his back as soon as I try and sit him in, even trying to bribe him with a yoghurt (which are his favourite) I took with me didn’t work and he just tries to smack it out my hand. I do take him outside again two more times and the same thing happens so in the end I ditch my shopping and go home in tears instead as couldn’t handle everyone else looking at me (plenty of other children his age acting good as gold) this is where I have found myself messaging on here because I am so stuck on how to move forward. I try to be firm without traumatising him, he gets put on time outs with explanations whilst also huge praise when he is good. I just don’t know what else to do.
Other examples of behaviour is he tends to get angry very easily, he is so none stop - into absolutely everything (which I get is toddler behaviour but this is incredibly heightened), his speech is also delayed and he’s been referred for speech therapy (although he is slowly starting to put together small sentences now). So not sure if maybe this is why he gets so frustrated? He is also completely fearless! Sorry really needed to rant as I feel like when DD was his age I felt like a half decent mum! But now I just can’t seem to get it right and so any advice is hugely appreciated. Thank you x

Hi OP didn't want to read and run. I've definitely felt like that at times with my 3.5yr old DS, even now sometimes but I definitely think it's been better the last month or two than before, so hopefully that gives you some hope.

What jumped out to me in your post was a few things:

• I know it is hard but really try not to compare him to your DD. Or if you find yourself doing that (mentally, I mean) can you think of his strengths that she didn't have? I hope you can get what I mean. I find I was doing that sometimes like in my head "DD would never have done that" etc but then when I thought about my DS in the round I would also think of things that I love about him that DD didn't do/doesn't have, basically just they are different personalities with different strengths and challenges and none is better or worse than the other.
• You mention speech delay - I really think that could be driving a lot of the frustration to be honest. It's well documented that it can cause behavioural difficulties which makes sense. I'm not sure if there's any more support you could access for him?
• Does he go to nursery or is he ever cared for by anyone else? And if so how is he there/with them?
• Some times there are just off days or whatever and we just have to remind ourselves tomorrow is a new day! Don't beat yourself up. And don't compare him to other kids you see about - my kids one day will be those beautifully behaved children and the next day they'll be the ones screaming and punching each other, completely ignoring me! But strangers wouldn't know the other side of the story from just seeing them one time!

Would he go on one of those bikes where you have a handle on the back? Maybe with a seatbelt arrangement?
Have you tried the backpacks with a strap attached for you to hold ( have the pram as back up)

Do you use consistent language e.g. hand hold or pram. Maybe try in a safer area with a second person. Even in a park or field there may be times when he needs to hold your hand for safety.

I’d pick your battles and if he can’t cope with a food shop either don’t do it when he is with you ( if you have support) or try online shopping.
Sounds like he might be over stimulated.

Try not to tell yourself you aren’t getting it right. You are doing your best and you may just need a few strategies/ a different approach.
I’d concentrate for now on whatever is causing you or him the greatest stress and try to find a solution that works for both of you before sorting anything else.

Oh thank you for your response! I really appreciate it. Definitely feel like if you can relate and have said it’s been a little easier the last couple of months then it gives me a shimmer of light at the end of the tunnel so thank you!

I completely agree with the comparing situation, I would obviously never verbally state what I said as I can imagine how damaging that would be! They definitely both have their strengths and I remind myself that as challenging as his head strong nature is, it will hopefully one day be beneficial in helping him do what he chooses to in life! He is also incredibly resilient, will fall off his bike countless times but get straight back on every time, whilst also so so cuddly and loving constantly telling me he loves me! So really appreciate that as challenging as he can be, he definitely still has his strengths 🥰

Regarding speech delay, he has been on the waiting list since around January and still yet to hear back so I may chase that up. As I can imagine the frustration not being able to communicate!

He does go to Preschool twice a week where they have mentioned that he is constantly on the move and struggles slightly with the structured stuff but they said that they don’t have any concerns. They do however have a lot of outdoor space which is so ideal for him as when he is outdoors he is his best behaved!

Thank you so much though. I really do appreciate all your advice and thoughts!! X

This is pretty typical 3yo behaviour, I have two boys ages 6 and 4.5 and I didn’t take them anywhere where I had things to do until little one turned 4. It does get easier as they grow, remember to be consistent with your boundaries and your expectations because you are playing the long game. Things you need them to do will start displaying in a year or so.

Are you a single mum? Not to sound judgemental but if not, where is your other half. Grocery shopping at a time of day which is convenient for a family, with fresh produce out and shelves fully loaded is usually am and therefore the 7th circle of hell with a toddler?

As for the tantrums with pram and other confinement, that’s one to ride out unfortunately. It helps if you’ve done something energetic beforehand or there’s a tradeoff. Let’s drop DD off quickly and then go to X. First sign of a tantrum? Oh, you don’t want to go to X? You have to be prepared to carry it out even if it’s painful though.

I would stick with the reins or a wrist strap, the alternative is worse. Tedious as hell but generally they hate it so much they learn pretty quickly.

Boys are v different to girls I think at that age. Constantly on the move and very physical but also very honest- lots of cuddles and smiles when all is good in their world.

Lastly. No one or hardly anyone is judging you in the supermarket. They are thinking, thank god I am done with that stage, I’m never having children or the smug idiots will be thinking my child will never do that 😂 The older folk may well be thinking a swift smack on the back of the legs would sort that. Question is what is the distraction you can use? Can you do click and collect; delivery or leave him with your partner and do the shopping on a Friday night.

My daughter was such a lovely well behaved toddler, but my son is WILD 😂 I do think there's a big difference between boys and girls. I've absolutely been where you are and it was sooo tough, really horrible. I cried so many times over his behaviour but ultimately things just got better with time.

We're just about coming out the other side of it now and it's such a relief. So no real advice I'm afraid (nothing I tried worked), but just wanted to say you're not alone and it did get better for me, I really hope it does for you too.

This is such a hard age anyway, and i do think we sometimes look back on our older ones with rose tinted glasses. It sounds ljke youre doing everything right! I think boys that age are like puppies, they are just everywhere all the time. If he's better outdoors, maybe look for forest schools, mud kitchens, outdoor baby groups etc, and make sure hes getting loads of physical outdoor time. When he starts with the speech therapist it might be worth discussing with them, as I do wonder if it's all connected (either his frustration at not being able to communicate or all of it potentially indicating some kind of neurodivergence). However, i would have thought nursery would have picked up/shown concerns if that was what was going on and he's so young, it's probably a phase.
I think just keep focusing on keeping him safe and ideally not in situations where he clearly finds behaving difficult (no chance of avoiding the school run, but could you get an online shop or could someone help you out here, or could you fit into when he goes to pre school?) Instead take him out places he generally suits better- parks, play areas, walks etc. It might help you and he feel more positively about the things you do together, otherwise I found you got into a sort of downward spiral of dreading trips out and then passing on that feeling. With my daughter we did lots of cafes, craft, shopping errands but those activities just do not suit busy and active/wild children who need to run a lot! It might just be focusing your time and tweaking what you do together to fit his personality.
In my experience they're absolutely delightful from 4, normally the final 6 months before you lose them to school!

Sorry, just a really quick one to say you are not alone! Almost 3yo ds and im having a lot of the same battles!

I read your post out to my husband and we literally were saying you were writing about our DS! It’s so hard. I have a newborn and a 3 year old and I literally can’t go anywhere unless it’s indoor soft play. DS refuses to hold my hand and just runs off, won’t sit in shopping trolley (I have shopping delivered now) and just lies on the floor if I put reins on. I can’t put in pushchair now as don’t have a double. It’s really hard and I feel you!! So frustrating when my friends DS one year younger will just walk holding his mothers hand! Hoping it improves soon.

First of all, you're not a terrible mum so stop worrying that other people are looking and thinking you are! It's very normal for 3 year olds to push against boundaries and assert themselves, it's your job to hold the line and take charge. Don't worry about tantrums, don't give lengthy explanations why he can't do something (pointless with a 3 year old) just ignore the tantrum as much as you can and have a consequence - for example if he won't walk nicely to school, no ice cream or visit to the park that day. It doesn't really matter what the consequence is, he just needs to learn that when you say something, you mean it. This takes time and a lot of repetition. Stick to your guns. It won't traumatise him and in between the tricky times, run around with him, play and have fun. If he tantrums, the fun stops! I would also do your supermarket shopping online or when you don't have him with you. Supermarkets and 3 year olds isn't fun for you or him!

Thank you everyone so much for taking the time to reply. Just that validation helps to make me feel so much better - and useful tips that I shall try out as well!!

Just to make you laugh if you haven't see this @Burntoutmum2

This definitely made me laugh, thank you 😂😂😂