Struggling with my husband’s behaviour and our second child.

[Nikolite]

Hi everyone.

Ive recently given birth to our second boy - he’s now 3 weeks old. Our firstborn (also a boy) is 3 and a half. He’s very very attached to me and he’s been going through lots of emotions since new baby’s arrival. It’s been tough time adjusting.

I will be honest - when I found out I’m pregnant, I didn’t want to keep the baby. I’m 37 and honestly was okay with having one child as also was worried I wouldn’t be able to love anyone else like my firstborn. My husband has threatened me with divorce if I went ahead with abortion and I decided to keep the baby.

now the new baby is here, my worst nightmares are coming true. I feel like I’m not as in love with this baby the same way I was with our first one.
I feel resentful towards my husband as I feel he’s forced me to have the baby when I clearly told him I’m happy with just one.
our firstborn is having hard time adjusting and I’ve been having lots of one on one times with him, taking him out alone to show him I’m still here for him. My husband keeps saying that I’m taking him out too much and it’s wrong I choose him over new baby as newborn needs me more than our toddler.

But I feel like newborn just wants to sleep and eat whereas 3 year old is very aware of a situation and needs reassurance.

im just very lost with my emotions at the moment.
I feel really bad for that little boy as it’s not his fault but I feel angry with my husband for forcing me into having this child and now telling me off that I prioritise our older son.

is my husband right with the things he says?

for example if we take our older son out for the day, he says it is not good for the newborn to be out for so long and that he’s happier at home. I feel like he’s doing that to make me feel guilty as I think newborns are happy anywhere especially if they’re in a sling, next to their mum?

Your husband sounds horrible. Newborns ARE happy anywhere, we used to go out for dinners, shopping, even went to a few house parties 😂 once baby hit 8 weeks, that all stopped. You sound ground down. Of course the toddler needs you, like you say, baby eats and sleeps, whereas your toddler's life has been turned upside down.

It's neither child's fault. Stand up to your husband and do what needs doing. It may be the end of your marriage but so be it.

However, please don't take it out on your second child. He didn't ask for any of this.

I didn't fall in love with my son (my only!) until he was 3-4 months. Until then I was in survival mode. I loved him and did everything for him, but I didn't feel that gushing overwhelming happy love until he, basically, started sleeping a bit more.

I agree a lot with your husband.
I think your new baby will settle more and be easier going on regular outings if he stays well and safe at home until he is three months old, thriving and happy.

Suggest that husband steps up and takes his oldest child on a few excursions on his own. Reality is that your older child's life has changed. He forever has to share his parents. He will grow to adore his brother, especially if you are caring to baby.

Until your youngest has some of his shots, I would be keeping him away from very social spaces and keeping outings to a few per week for a while. Though you will know him best. Slings are amazing.

Once baby is six months old he might be very happy staying home with your husband and seeing him as an equal primary care giver.

Make your contraception water tight. Has DH volunteered a Vascectomy?

With regards to contraception- my husband isn’t keen on vasectomy and rather me have a procedure.

I just find all this unfair.

@Nikolite I'm sorry you're in this position, and while I completely disagree with the previous poster about staying in, you do need to get over this "unfairness". You had consensual sex. You could have said no. You could have taken the pill or had the coil fitted. You could have had an abortion. This should have been dealt with a long time ago. You now have a beautiful baby who deserves your love and attention too. Juggling a toddler's emotions is hard and ALL families would find the adjustment hard.

This sounds very hard OP. I think if you don’t address the clear issues in your marriage, then you will continue to find parenting two children very hard. You need to be a team, and on the same side about these sorts of things. Have you told your husband how he’s made you feel? How you feel resentful of him because you feel he forced you to keep the baby?

I had my second child when my firstborn was around the same age as yours. DS1 found it incredibly hard at the start. I felt like I had made a huge mistake having a second child because he was so unhappy. I didn’t feel as bonded to DS2 straight away. I think it’s just because I didn’t have as much time as I did with my first. I felt spread thin constantly.

Perhaps you don’t feel as close to the second baby because you are feeling guilty for your first and resentful and unsupported by your husband? Do you feel you might also be experiencing post partum depression?

the first few weeks are so hard. But it does get better with time. The second baby will become part of the family, develop their own personality and your firstborn will adjust and start to have a bond with their sibling . It is a blessing to have a sibling to grow up with. You have done a wonderful thing for your child, even if it doesn’t feel that way right now.

What helped us during the newborn stage was my husband took the reins with our first child and made him feel special, took him out for fun activities when I was feeling tired, gave him extra love and affection. And then we would plan things together as the four of us, and include the newborn so DS1 understood he was also part of the family. We went to loads of places with the newborn.

As you said, and I agree, the newborn is happy wherever. I always carried him in the sling and he was very comfortable there. We would go to museums and the aquarium, to cafes, etc. I felt a lot better mentally getting out of the house. I then made sure to have alone time with DS1. Just an hour here or there, so he felt special and to reassure him his mummy is still here.

sorry for the long post. Sending love to you!