Feral third born child after having a newborn

[AboutToLoseMySh1t]

I’ve just had my 4th baby just over 3 weeks ago and my third born is massively playing up. He is 21 months so I’m aware he’s coming up to terrible 2s, but my first and second born were never this naughty.
My partner and I both set boundaries for our children so we don’t let them run riot, but nothing seems to bother my feral child!! He’s lashing out at his older siblings and myself and I know that it’s probably a bit of jealousy as well, but I’m also recovering from having had an emergency cesarean, so that on top of hormones and a naughty almost 2 year old is a lot.
I just don’t know what to do at the moment. I know it will get better (or I hope it will!!) but I don’t know how to manage right now.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated

He’s literally still a baby who now has to share his mum 4 ways, must feel pretty crappy. he isn’t feral.

He’s not even two, from a developmental perspective I don’t think he can be “naughty”.

His world has been turned upside down. Jealous wouldn’t begin to touch the sides of it.

im not saying having four kids is bad, dont get me wrong. But you need to have more empathy for him. All behaviour is communication at this age. What is he trying to communicate?

if you can’t hold space for a baby’s feelings because of your load then thats the issue, not the baby.

do you need more support?

He’s looking for attention, and it feels counterintuitive but you need to give it to him. Try and get 15/20 minutes a day, just him and you, get the toys out and give him your full attention. Let him lead with what he wants to do, within reason. Hopefully the baby naps or DP can cope. I’d say do this with the older two if you can, but sounds like you have your hands full.

If possible, minimise your reactions to the unwanted behaviours (hard if he is hurting other children, but give them the attention) and ramp up any attention for the behaviours you want to see.

It might get worse before it gets better if he’s been getting negative attention, but should change fairly quickly.

hope things improve for you soon

I’d say that trying to have as much 1-1 time with him as you can will help. Doesn’t have to be ages, but pockets of time where you are just focussed on him will help. As others have said - 21 months is very young, he will have no understanding of why he’s feeling like this; he’s not being naughty - he can’t understand why/how his world has been totally changed. Sarah Ockwell-smith has some good online resources about this.

It’s hard post partum and recovering from a caesarean - have you got family support?

He's a baby himself, and he's (quite rightly) feeling seriously threatened. He's programmed to try and get attention for himself as that's literally the only way he can survive. It's going to be hard work for at least the next year, so you need to change your mindset and support him rather than think of him as naughty and feral.

I feel you are being unfair here. Your 3rd child is still a baby and having a younger sibling so close in age must be a really difficult adjustment. He would be having so many feelings he doesn’t understand.

How are you splitting your time across all the children? Are they each getting quality 1-1 time with you?

This sounds familiar.

At one point I had four under 6, and when my dc4 was born my third child was an absolute terror. My DH and I realised it was because dc1 and dc2 were close in age and played well together (6 and 5 years old), whereas dc3 felt left out (aged 3) especially when I was busy with the new baby. He would act crazy just for attention because he was not getting enough. DH tried to spend time with him one to one, but he was always closer to me and upset that we had a new baby. I feel like this might be a similar situation and like many people have said here - he is just missing you, especially being so young.

In my case, my dc3 mellowed down a little when I included him in helping to care for the new baby (passing me nappies, and playing with rattles together) and my baby (dc4) grew to be the child he played with as he grew up. He turned out to be the typical ‘middle child’ of the family, and with a bumpy start he is very sociable secondary school.

However, you have just had a c-section, so rest. This is just a period of upheaval, and it will get better as everyone adjusts to the change. Bringing home a newborn is difficult no matter what number of children you have.

Good luck, OP.

Thank you, this is really helpful and reassuring to hear. My second is just under 3 and a half so I do have 3 under 4 but she adjusted so well to having a baby brother, and naively I’d hoped my 21month old would be similar.
Luckily the newborn sleeps very well between feeds so I do get some time to spend with my other younger two, but it is limited as to what we can do with my mobility from the C-section.

I’ll try involving him with the baby and see if that makes a bit of a difference along side extra 1-1 time.
Thank you