2nd child regret

[Mylah]

I have a 3 year old and one week old and currently full of regret for being so stupid at deciding to have a 2nd child.

I had horrendous pnd/pna with my first and ended up hospitalised for it. I swore I'd never go through the baby stage again and as my DC has got older I've much more enjoyed being a mum. Life was so easy as they got older, it was easy to get a babysitter if me and my husband wanted a date night, it was easy for me to arrange to see friends, easy to get time to myself and share lie ins at a weekend and I would get plenty sleep as my toddler slept well at night.

However I have a small family and no cousins for my DC and this in itself caused anxiety and I stupidly convinced myself I could go through it all again to give myself a sibling. I spent all of my pregnancy wondering what I'd done and full of fear and anxiety.

So here we are now and while I love my new baby I am full of regret, miss my life just the three of us and having a new baby is rearing all my old feelings of anxiety and overwhelm. I'm now back to sleepless nights, a baby that has colic and is very unsettled and won't stop crying and I'm having to deal with this on top of a toddler. My husband is brilliant and couldn't be a more better father. But I desperately miss my toddler and how much easier it was just having one.

I know I've made a terrible mistake. Having 2 and juggling a baby and 3 year old is so much more than I have capacity for. Everyone says it gets better when the baby is 3 but I can't even wait 3 weeks. I can't believe I've given up all the things that helped give my life balance and made me a better parent. I so wish I could turn back time and absolutely hate my life now.

Any kind words of wisdom would be appreciated.

Oh you are one week in, exhausted, hormones all over the place etc. It will get better I am sure! I believe that it is very normal to have a 'what the fuck have i done stage'. You will find your groove and it will get easier. Talk to your HV/GP if you are worried about the PND returning.

I think its normal to have the feeling of “just what have I done” but if you spent your PG being full of fear and anxiety and you’re now have anxiety and overwhelm I think it’s time to speak to call the MWs abd ask for some more support

Take a breath. It’s one week in, it’s going to feel rough. Newborns are a bloody nightmare, I don’t care what people say. You don’t need to wait 3 years for it to get better. It will start to get better after another couple of weeks as you exit the horrible hormone surging milk arriving first few weeks, better again around 6/8 weeks as you exit the newborn stage, better again in 10-12 weeks when the colic settles and you exit the 4th trimester. You’ll find new routines and ways of managing. Yes it’s going to be a bit of a slog to get back to where you were, but that doesn’t mean it won’t get better in any way before then, and you will get back there. When your baby starts smiling it’s a game changer. Your older child will become more interested in them, you’ll start to see the sibling bond developing, and you’ll remember why you decided to have another!

We’re 11 weeks in to life with 2 and the first 4-6 weeks were borderline hell but it has honestly got so much better. Our daughter adores him and seeing them interact and him beam from ear to ear when he sees her makes my heart melt. I also felt like we’d made a huge mistake to start with but now know we couldn’t have made a better decision.

Make sure you seek/accept support if PND was a problem for you last time - don’t underestimate just how much that can affect how you feel. I had severe PNA first time round but haven’t this time and I honestly feel like a different person. I hated maternity leave first time, this time I’m already dreading it ending. And don’t forget all the standard advice - take help when it’s offered, prioritise your own wellbeing, use bottle feeding to give you freedom if you need it, get out in the fresh air every day, treat yourself regularly in any way you can, offload as much as possible to other people, etc etc.

I had severe PND with my first and did worry about having a second. I'm in a slightly different boat that I did always know I wanted another but just wanted to say mine are 2.5 years apart with DD having just turned 4 and DS 18 months and they're now at a stage where they play really nicely together. I'm not saying it's been plain sailing until now but it's also not been awful and seeing the relationship between the 2 of them develop as DS gets older is amazing and totally worth the crappy first few weeks/ months. You've got this.

What support do you have in place?
I was hospitalised for my mental health with my daughter too. I'm pregnant again and I'll have input from mental health midwives, longer midwife care and more HV care.
A week in is peak for hormone fluctuation, my daughter has severe silent reflux and food allergies and that was a big trigger for my mental health decline the first time around. I would speak to your midwife about the baby being so unsettled in case there's something else going on, I think 1 week is possibly on the early side for colic but can't remember for sure

I think lots of us have a wave of regret when we’re in the trenches of looking after a new baby and a toddler. I desperately missed my first child when my second came along. Now they’re 4 and 2 and I’m seeing the benefits of having a sibling. There are pockets of time where they’re playing together (before it gets too rough and I intervene!) and this time is glorious. The amount of time I have to sit on the floor doing pretend play with my eldest has reduced and I notice that both are kept better entertained when they have each other. I still deeply cherish any 1-2-1 time I get with each but I am so pleased they have each other and I think this will improve as my youngest gets a bit older. You’ll get there too x

This could be me. I missed it just being me and DS1 so much, and I was terrified of how depressed I was getting again. I now have 3 boys, 24, 21, 18, 3rd completey unplanned……and I have loved their childhood and being a mum. I accepted im not a baby person and just got through it, I hated it. Then I had 3 little people and I am so glad I did. They are all different and I adore them. I felt EXACTLY like you, I promise it will get better

Thank you all for your kind replies. I am really trying to hold onto the light at the end of the tunnel but it's so hard at the moment. My baby has been so unsettled and crying in pain due to either constipation or trapped wind. I've been sent to the paediatric unit for an assessment and they can't see anything for concern. I feel like I'm almost being told to suck up a baby that cries for hours on end and I feel myself being pulled back to a dark place and it's so hard now for me and my husband to take turns with the baby as we have a 3 year old on top to look after and I feel so bad I can't give him the attention he got before.

My son had severe CMPA as a baby and I had bought a tin of alfamino should anything happen again. My baby has all the symptoms my son had plus he has dry skin rashes too. In a desperate attempt I have given him a bottle of it and I'm away out today too to get some Dr Browns bottles to see if they work.

@Mylah sending big hugs, it's so hard, but it will pass. It definitely sounds like it could be CMPA--my second daughter had it and it really made the newborn stage harder, I was second guessing every little thing. Finding a GP that really listened and took her symptoms seriously made a big difference.
It's great that you are already prepared for this--hopefully the formula works🤞🤞🤞
But it will pass, my daughter is almost 14 months and we have just passed the dairy (and soy) ladders. It's a massive adjustment going from 1 to 2 and allergies and no sleep down on top of it just makes it so much harder. You are doing great, hang in there❤️

I think the baby days with my second flashed by in the blink of an eye whilst we followed the older child round to their activities. The first few weeks were very emotional but whilst DD1's (difficult) babyhood was long DD2's felt short and before we knew it she was off to school!

It does sound as though it could be CMPA again. At least you’re aware of what you could be dealing with this time and where to go for support

I was visited by the midwife and she noticed the baby has severe silent reflux and urged us to go to the GP and get medication for it. I've managed to get a prescription for infant gaviscon from the hospital as we are open to them however have to wait until the GP opens on Monday to see if I can get a prescription for omperazole.

My husband is supportive but doesn't seem to get the urgency to try and solve things seeming more concerned about visitors coming and seeing them then trying to get prescriptions sorted. He's wanting us to be busy seeing his family when they are up and doesn't seem to understand I'm still hormonal and recovering from birth. He's saying now we need to stick to the original formula and gaviscon so we know what is working and what isn't.

I feel completely out my depth with a baby that is crying non-stop and a 3 year old on top. I don't think anyone quite understands how I feel and I can't believe when I had come out of such a bad place, I've put myself back there only this time it's so much harder with 2 than one of them.

Definitely prioritise the medication over visitors! Do you have the prescription or has it been sent to the pharmacist? It's a medication that's usually kept in stock so if you find a Pharmacy that's open at the weekend you might be able to get hold of to before Monday. Pharmacies in supermarkets are usually the best bet.

I'd definitely have a low bar for exploring cmpa. My daughter has both allergies and reflux and we had to tackle both at once to get her on the right path. Be careful with the gaviscon as it can cause constipation and lactulose might be required as well

I've managed to get the prescription eventually but I feel so alone now that my husband is insisting we use the normal formula and not the alfamino I bought. I know in my gut he has CMPA like my other son. I just feel so unable to cope with it all.

What reasons is your DH giving?

I'd follow your gut, could you suggest that you give the alfamino over the weekend to see if to helps and then try the regular formula again on Monday?
To protect your mental health I'd be throwing everything at it to sort the unsettledness out and then work backwards and test the formula and meds afterwards especially as it's over the weekend and harder to get medical opinions. In an ideal world you would give the reflux meds a week or two but given your vulnerability I'd go all out. It is what I will be doing if my second displays any signs of reflux and cmpa. My daughter was nearly 5 months before we made any progress with her screaming and it was identified as a significant contributing factor to my pnd and psychosis.

When are you seeing the midwives again?

Oh - you’re right in the trenches now. It is hard work with a baby and a toddler - and even more so when the baby has feeding issues. But - although it seems a long way away now - it does get a lot easier. I remember when my two were 2.5 and 5 and we were able to sit, watching benignly with a drink, while they played together. And from that point on (assuming they get on okay), I think it’s a lot easier with two as they can always entertain each other. Hold onto that thought and get through the next few weeks as best you can. You’ll soon get into a new routine and will hopefully find life gets a little easier.

I could have just written your post with my 2 day old. Please do message me. I haven't been able to stop crying and I miss my life with the 3 of us so much

Thank you so much. I like the idea of working backwards. My husbands idea is to try one thing at a time but as you say for my own mental health I am going to throw everything at it.

I'm discharged from the midwife and will be seeing the health visitor this week. She is the same one I have for my son and knows me very well and has been a great support in terms of my sons allergies and my own mental health so I feel I have an ally in my corner hopefully.

My plan is to phone the GP tomorrow and ask for omperazole and also trial the gaviscon and alfamino for two weeks and then reassess if that doesn't work. If the gaviscon causes constipation it's good to know I can ask for lactulose. I feel a bit more calmer having a plan in place and really appreciate the support here too.

Can I ask how you’re doing now? I’ve got a newborn (8 day old) and a 3.5 year old and seeing very very wobbly.

It will get better and then it will get much better. My second had reflux (like my first) and it was tough going. My 3 year old had a really hard time when her brother was born. She regressed with sleep and became much more emotional and needing to control things. I felt so guilty that our new baby was causing her stress, she was feeling left out, we were all exhausted etc. It was tough. Slowly it got better and I'd say around the 5 or 6 month mark everything started to settle and we were all into a routine and used to being a family of 4 rather than a family of 3. You're exhausted and your hormones are all over the place. I had awful post partum anxiety with both mine. Hang in there. I wouldn't change it for the world now. They are great company for eachother and in many ways make life easier.

thsnk you - such a reassuring message. ❤️

This was me. It honestly will get better. We’re 4.5 and 1 now, and since 12 weeks ish it has got better and better. Not perfect, bloody hard work, but better and more highs than lows. Getting out of the 4th trimester really makes such a difference, when they gradually become less needy for you and you have also had time to find a new balance in your life. Just hang in there. Take all the help offered, do whatever is needed to make life as straightforward as possible, and you will be okay x

Should add. Second born was much harder work as a baby than first born. Total cling on, reflux, trapped wind etc, wouldn’t be put down, still won’t sleep, but it’s still okay x

Thank you so much. So glad it’s going well
for you. ❤️