Partner and Son/Step Son

[F0reverMisunderstood]

Hi everyone,

This is my first post and I'm looking for peoples true opinions. The good, the bad and the ugly please.

I have been with my fiance for 10 years.
We have two sons.. or at least I thought WE did.

My first son is 13 from a previous relationship that started when I was 16.
I gave birth to him at 19. My relationship with his dad was extremely violent so I left and he has never seen us since. He told me he never loved his son, he wished he could but he couldn't. He had lots of addictions etc. But I moved forward with my life and I was so happy and me and my son were doing great just the two of us.

I met my now fiance. My son was 3.
My partner took him under his wing. He tret me and my son wonderfully. My partner would say how much he loved us both. I couldn't believe my luck. I truly felt blessed and God had rewarded me.

I fell pregnant with my second child. Absolutely terrified how everything would change for me and my eldest child as he was my WHOLE world. After everything we had been through together when he was a baby. But I was ready and so was my partner. Who I absolutely thought the world of.

Fast forward 10 years. My partner (the ring has come off) and I have had a rocky past 12 months. We moved into a caravan in his mum's back garden to try and save for mortgage. I hate it, iv struggled so hard. In and out of depression. I feel like I'm failing as a partner and a mum, my role as the woman/mum/wife of the household was gone. His mum does everything for my partner and his son. Leaving out my eldest child.

Me and my partner had a conversation about the option of me leaving as I was struggling so bad. And I asked about how we would go about taking turns having the children. The conversation ended with him saying he didn't love my eldest son and he was only his responsibility as long as we were together and he wasnt fussed about making plans to see him. This has broken my heart. Am I wrong for feeling this way?

Iv tried to keep it short.

Please somebody give me something, anything!

Thank you ❤️

I’d feel angry
I’d feel relieved I uncovered this before I bought a property with him and married him

so who’s living where?

Hey
thank you for taking the time to reply!
Iv been angry, sad, devastated.

His mum and step dad live on a huge bit of land and we have put a static caravan across from their house.

My partner, myself and my two sons live in here. It was supposed to me for around 2 years whilst we saved but we have been here 2 years now. It's been rough for me but I think my partner enjoys it here and has got so comfortable. I was under the impression he would save as much as he could. He earns so much more than I do but he hasn't saved anything so far.

So you are carrying on living there in a tiny caravan knowing your ex doesn’t give a damn about your son

presumably you have saved quite a bit. So take your share and get your own place with your son

My partner

You can’t seriously regard him as your partner?
what a dire childhood both children are getting op, growing up him him and a caravan.

I hope you parent up sharpish

It's been rough for me

It probably has but it must be rougher for your boys - especially your older boy.
What are you going to do?

It’s gross, if he never had parental feelings for your son he shouldn’t have spent the last decade pretending he did.
I’ve been through similar.. My dads ex wife who was my birthing partner spent the first 13 years of my sons life calling herself his Granny, when her and my dad split she dropped him like he was nothing (she actually told him on Christmas Day to stand to the side so she could get a family photo, GRRRRR!!!!)
This was 10 years ago now, my son is 23. It was hard for a while, all I could do was apologise for letting someone like that into his life and try and pick up the pieces.
This is all you can do, and at least you’ve seen his true colours before more children (grandkids) are involved.
I hope your ex realises though that his bio child will probably grow up to think his dad is a prize cunt for treating his brother that way, I don’t know how people like this sleep at night

Exactly
they have no voice in this at all
must be awful

If you haven’t saved enough after 2 years of living in a caravan then you never will. Take your share of the savings, take your children, get out and go rent an actual home.

With regards to his position on your eldest child, I don’t think it’s that unusual. It’s rare for stepfathers to continue to actively want contact with their stepchildren once they’ve split from the child’s mother. It is what it is.

2 years!!!!and nothing saved

How hurtful for you and your son. Your partner has been dad to him, and is the only dad he knows, and now he has rejected him. If it had been for a short while, ie under a year then fair enough, but not ten years!

I agree with the above poster, if after two years he’s not saved anything, then he’s unlikely to in the future.

Be grateful that you have found out your partner's true feelings towards your eldest son now, before you bought a home together and married. To treat a child, who's been in his life since 3, in such a dismissive and irrelevant way, is bloody awful. Your partner should be utterly ashamed of himself, at the very least this boy is his own son's half-brother. Your partner has no reason to move from the caravan on his Mum's land, both he and your youngest are pampered. He's never going to 'save' money, it hasn't happened in 2 years, so why would it happen any further on in the future? You need to look at your own finances and see about moving out with your son's. Sadly, if your partner doesn't want to see your eldest, you can't force him too. How to explain that to your sons, in such a way, it doesn't devastate them, is going to be the hard part.

Thank you for your replies.
I have saved but I would be looking into renting.

The place where we live, the land, the wildlife, farm animals and acers of woodland to play in, their "grandparents" home is extremely luxurious. Our caravan, of course isn't all that great but the children love it here.
I could never give my children the luxury they have again.
Not that this is me giving a reason to stay but I just wanted to share the bigger picture.

Im glad you all agree that this situation isn't ok. As he seems very unbotherd about his actions or lack of which has lead me to question myself. If I'm wrong for feeling this way.

I have discussed moving out with my eldest child a couple of times. He disagree's and wants to stay.
It's almost like he doesn't see what I see, he doesn't know what I know.

It hurts my heart. He deserves a millions times more.

This is depressing
Nothing will improve for these two children
but teen years will be utterly horrific

they’ve been let down terribly

You need to move out, get your own place, arrange contact for the shared child with his dad.

You can’t force contact between your older son and his step dad. Likewise if you split and you refused contact between them he couldn’t insist on seeing his ex step son. He’s not his dad, he never adopted him, you’re not married (still wouldn’t give your partner access to an ex step child but the two of you haven’t officially committed to each other either) and this is one of the reasons step parents often don’t go all in - it’s so often the case that the relationship between people and their step kids is entirely dependent on the relationship between the adults lasting.

I understand you’re upset and disappointed, it sounds very hard. But all you can do is accept it’s the reality and you need to stand up for your kids and provide them the most stable life you can.

Thank you.
We discussed adoption. He was all for it.
We left it after agreeing it may open a can of worms with his abusive bio father.

Horrendous.
We have a "family" trip to Florida Disneyworld coming up.
If I leave now, my eldest son and I will most likely be uninvited which would devastate him. Iv asked if he would consider going on a different trip with just myself but he declined.
Do I ride it out so my child gets a trip of a life time that he will never get again?!

Who paid for the trip?

Grandparents have paid for absolutely everything, they are also coming. It was their idea. They are very wealthy.

You don’t work do you op?

Iv work for the last 5 years at a GP surgery.

How much have you saved ?

Make plans to leave after the Florida holiday. If his parents have paid it’s the least they owe your son. That scumbag will never love your son the way he loves your joint son. You owe it to your son to get a place and create memories. Yes you won’t have the luxury but your son will know his mum put him first over a stepdad that doesn’t love him.