DD5yo Hates school, not sure how to help her.

[Sulking]

DD started off strong, loved school when she first started going last September, was keen to go every single day.

However, the last couple of months she started complaining about going to school, that she just wants to play with her friends and she doesn’t want to sit down for long periods of time (these long periods of time are 20 minutes a day, split into two 10 minute phonic sessions..) the rest is learning through play.

She’s started to get really upset every morning that she has school again, trying on the usual ‘I don’t feel very well’ - her teachers and the head teacher have started chatting to me about her lack of focus, her always being distracted and now she’s stopped listening to what she told to do ie, tidying up.

Ive had the usual chats, about if there’s anything I can do to help her enjoy school more, I’ve explained that learning is important and fun because it means she gets to learn with her friend and grow up to be full of things she didn’t know before. I’ve also had the harder talk of unfortunately at this moment in time she doesn’t have to go to school, I’m not in a place to home educate yet but it’s something I’ve considered later on.

I had a lot of anxiety from a young age, and it definitely stemmed from being forced to big o to school everyday when I didn’t want to. I would literally be dragged into school screaming and crying. It led to some really bad anxiety that’s stayed with me for life. Secondary just got worse; I hated being there but obviously by that point I understood that it was the law and I didn’t want my parents to get fines. I had friends, didn’t experience bullying. But I just had awful anxiety and it’s really ruined my MH in adulthood.

I’m started to get really triggered by DD’s attitude towards school and I really don’t want her to have the same experience as me. I want her to enjoy it so much. The little girl who was wasn’t nervous to start school at all, and had been saying for months before she started that she was ready to leave nursery and go to big school. I just feel like I’m failing her. I really don’t know what to do I just want her to not be upset 5 days a week. 😖

Have you told her it's the law and she has to go

How is the school responding?

It sounds like you’ve told her youd love to home school her but can’t? That won’t be helping

Oh gosh she’s so little. It is towards the end of reception - year 1 lots struggle. Then they end up the anxiety you describe. the early years really ought to be extended for whole of KS1, making year 2 the year to transition. Personally I’d find a way to home educate and try again in a few years. It sounds like she’d be ready to go back maybe for year 3 or 4 when older and more mature/ able to sit.

No I’ve never mentioned this to her as it’s not something that feasible until secondary school age so I wouldn’t risk the ‘I wanna learn at home!” For 6 years 🤣

I have explained that it’s the law and she has to go to school, but she gets lots of time off in the holidays.

My daughter had this (about Year One) She had a very supportive teacher who happened to be the SEN lead at the primary school. We designed and made a little support teddy for her that she was allowed to take in with her and keep in her drawer in class. I sewed buttons on the inside hems of her clothes that she could press and feel connected to home. I saw her using one in the playground once.
It was an agonising stage that seemed to go very slowly.
She’s currently doing her Alevels and preparing for gap year travels.

You could try having a meeting with her teacher to ask how can school help, I would put it back to them. She's losing focus at school, not home, and she's telling you she doesn't want to go, so what strategies can school put in place. I've had this with my DC I found teachers have a lot of little strategies that made a big difference, moving her desk to be with a friend, stickers, emailing photos from home she can talk about, making her the pen monitor, a class goal to work on together, little changes can make the difference but it needs to happen at school really. Also I found just letting DD know I'd taken her feelings seriously and gone into school to discuss it and that her teacher also cared and wanted her to enjoy school too helped. My DD has got really into show and tell and takes a random thing in most days so that even when she's reluctant to go in I can always fall back on, but you need to share your blu-tac model and that stone you found with your friends you can't miss that! It works so far.

You need to talk to the school.
The not wanting to sit down to learn could be something as simple as she finds sitting cross legged on the mat uncomfortable and would be happier sat on a chair (or vice versa).
The not listening to instructions could be she needs a clearer visual timetable.
If she's happy playing a game and it's suddenly announced it's "Tidy Up Time" that's going to be annoying to her.
If she has a clear timetable (usually pictures stick on a bored with velcro) she knows in advance that she gets to play until a certain time then she has to stop.
So the timetable might say -
"10 o'clock play in the homecorner"
"10.15 time to start finishing the game"
"10.20" tidy up time"
(obviously the teachers need to help with the telling the time and giving five minutes warning etc).