3 yo preschool dilemma

[theriverofdreams]

I can't work it out.

My child appears fine at preschool - engages, plays with friends, does as he is asked. The staff are adamant he is having a fabulous time there (which is every parent's dream isn't it).

However, he is withdrawn before he goes, and the day after he has been, when he is at home, he is very emotional and behaviour changes to being completely out of character (argumentative, aggressive, tearful, refusals, not just the usual tantrums we sometimes see).

We've just been away for a week and he was fine, usual 3 year old behaviour of being slightly dysregulated by change but coping. The day he goes back to preschool, we're back to the pattern of behaviour. It has a huge impact on family life.

Has anyone experienced this? Does it mean he is actually not fine being there and he is hiding it? What do I do? I expect him to be tired/emotional/a little bit out of sorts when he comes home but not the subsequent days until he returns and excessive, like we may have one or two happy moments in a whole day of upset and out of character behaviour. I have no idea if I'm doing the right thing by sending him anymore, I am struggling to manage the behaviour when he's been, it's awful seeing him so distressed. I feel like the staff think I'm making it up because they don't see it!

Thank you in advance for any thoughts!

What's his pattern? Is he doing full days? Could you spread the time out to be fewer hours at a time over more days and see if he copes with that better?

I agree I think a routine helps. Mine found it a lot less confusing to do 4-5 days a week, same time drop off and pickup, than moving the schedule around.

Thank you for replying! He does 2 full days, has been the same pattern for the best part of a year, no improvement. We have a picture calendar so he knows when he’s going, predictable etc. He sleeps for hours the next day between periods of upset, I don’t think he’d cope with any more hours.

Probably a mix of him being on best behaviour/trying to do the right thing while he's there - and staff not being particularly attuned to his emotional state. If you're in a busy preschool room and glance over to see a child quietly sitting with toys with the other children you're going to assume they're fine.

That level of distress would not be worth it for whatever benefit there is in preschool for me.

My LO was like this. Disliked preschool and so we moved her to a school nursery where her older sibling went. Was like chalk and cheese. What sort of preschool does your LO go to- are you able to see what they’re doing when you collect etc, is your LO still napping- maybe they’re incredibly tired and if they’re not napping, might need a nap on the days after preschool? Could be any number of things but I’d definitely say trust your gut

I don’t think he does a great deal while he is there other than plays the odd game with his friends, like pretending they are animals. He likes his little group of friends, we see them for play dates out of school sometimes. But other than that, I haven’t seen any real benefits. He does
loads of lovely activities with me, enjoys trying to write his name, imaginative games, using scissors, counting, all the nice little things we do together. He is a very tired child and being there definitely exhausts him beyond how it seems to affect the other children his age that I know, though I know eventually he will grow out of that.

I suppose I feel he “should” be in preschool because that’s the societal narrative isn’t it and I don’t know how to explain to people that it doesn’t feel right, but I know I shouldn’t have to explain it and I don’t have to follow the norm. But I don’t want to do the wrong thing either.

Look at the child in front of you and do the right thing for him.