Mixed up feelings about mum helping

[PickledElectricity]

I need to have a kind of insensitive moan. I've been dithering about whether to post at at as I know a lot of people would love help and I'll probably sound ungrateful but it's really weighing on my mind and I don't have anyone to talk to about this irl and my DP is sick to death of hearing about my relationship issues with my mum.

Sorry about the long post.

The background

For transparency I have a physical disability which is slightly limiting but I do manage to find a way to do most things I want/need to.

I have a complicated and not brilliant relationship with my mother. For background, she (& my dad, but he was always useless) left me with my grandparents between the ages of 3 months and 7 years old, only seeing me at weekends and holidays. They were 20 when they had me.

I was raised (officially) by my grandparents but my teenaged aunt actually did the bulk of the work. We then moved abroad when I was 7 and I didn't see extended family for 10+ years. I have attachment issues.

My parents had an awful relationship and I was exposed to a lot of things that children should not be exposed to. I was also my mum's emotional support pillow and she would talk to/rant at me about adult things I had no business thinking about. This was all hugely traumatic and isolating as you can imagine but I think the straw that broke the camel's back, so to speak, was when she told me we were running away, we packed and then she changed her mind and made me promise not to say anything to anyone ever. I was crushed and betrayed. I was around 11/12? Can't shake that off even in my 30s.

Teenage years were a mess. Things improved when I went to uni and had some distance and independence. Then when my youngest brother turned 18 my dad left, having apparently always told her that he was only sticking around too provide for the DC and the marriage was over in all but name.

She didn't take this well and her jealousy and paranoia corroded everything. Every conversation involved a reference to him. If she saw anything new in my house she accused me of getting it from him (because I can't build IKEA shelves on my own I guess?) and just a nasty toxic atmosphere. I was anxious all the time.

I eventually put my foot down (5 years on) and said I didn't want to hear anything more about it. I was accused of being selfish, on his side, a traitor, an awful person etc etc.

She reigned it in when I was pregnant with DC 1. The toddler loves her and they have a lot of fun together but she's very full on, doesn't leave him alone when he's had enough and generally has a very different approach to parenting to me. But I facilitate the relationship anyway and try not to sweat the small stuff.

She's desperate to have him 121/for sleepovers but as I don't trust her judgement I don't allow it. I am also uncomfortable with the amount of times she's referred to herself as "mummy" when talking to him. Idk what's going on there.

For balance, my dad was an awful husband and disengaged father. There's no point going into the specifics because I see him 4 times per year. He provided financially but had a drinking problem. He went stone cold sober 8 years ago and is 75% a changed man, but I didn't really know him to begin with so who knows.

My current problem

I had a baby 6 weeks ago via CS and have a 2 year old, DP has gone back to work and toddler is only at nursery 3 days a week so I'm alone 2 days.

Toddler is an absolute handful at the moment, lots of developmental leaps and also some jealousy and regression because of the baby. I can't lift him because of the CS scar and he's taking full advantage of the fact that I can't pick him up and make him do things quickly.

I mentioned this to my mum and she offered to come and help out on Friday just gone. Whilst here she told me she had changed her rota at work for all of June.

On balance I don't know if it was helpful to have her here.

The positives:

• I could breastfeed baby in peace while she played with toddler
• we all left the house and went to the park. I haven't managed this alone but honestly I think the lack of a double pram is my main obstacle.
• she helped put away the laundry
• DS had fun playing with her

Main issues:

• talking over and parenting over me when I was trying to discipline DS
• hyping him up then telling him he was naughty when he didn't immediately calm down once she'd had enough of the game
• trying to force him into a hug to the point that he pulled away from her, slipped, and banged his head on the kitchen tiles
• talking nonstop, I could not hear myself think
• comments about how difficult things are for me (they're not that bad), how much I'm struggling (I don't think I am?), the state of my house (DP's problem, I am officially on strike in the 4th trimester).

Anyway she's coming round again on Friday and I have a rising sense of doom and anxiety.

Spookily similar DM and situation over here.

I found a playgroup for DM to take toddler to and then had her bring him back for lunch, by which time there was only a few hours left in the afternoon to worry about. Do you think she would do that? Mine did need some serious cajoling.

I think take the help while you need it, just make sure she knows it's not forever.

And get that double buggy ASAP - it's my best friend!

I have some similar background in that I was also left with grandparents and an aunt between ages of 2 and 7! Very normal where I'm from, needs must, but not great. My mum always fully expected I would do the same. She keeps saying how she'll take my baby for the summer etc. She came over to help when baby was 6 weeks and again at 6 months.

Similar to your mum, I found she massively overstimulated my baby, was very territorial, talked way too much, while also being somehow totally incapable and overwhelmed.

She constantly also talks about how hard I must have it. She had an awful time of motherhood and assumes so do I. She is so negative and catastrophizes to the point I cannot talk about any problems ever because it would turn into I told you so and she'll go on and on about how hard it is for me. It's embarrassing.

Buy that double buggy.

I would still accept the help as it's only a few hours. Make her take him to the park or something. And be very firm. I had to firmly raise my voice at my mum a few times for her to accept she needs to do what I say. Not my proudest moments but honestly, it did the trick.

Get a 2nd hand double buggy on Facebook and ask her spend Friday cleaning it up for you. Two birds with one stone 😊

I don't really want them out alone together because I don't trust her risk assessment/skills. She also likes to take loads of photos/videos of him and not pay attention to where she's going.

I have 2 single prams and DP really doesn't want a third in the house unless I get rid of the others so I feel a bit of pressure to get the correct one, do you have any recommendations?

@Brooklyn89 I'm kind of relieved that you had a similar experience, I feel so alone IRL that I wonder if I'm overreacting sometimes, especially as everyone I know seems to have good relationships with their mothers.

I'm afraid I've also shouted at her on occasions and it's frustrating because I am not this person with anyone else, and it's a shame that I need to shout to make her listen in the first place.

Yes, totally understand that sentiment!

We have the outnabout double nipper and I love it so much. It can do everything and anything. So easy to steer as well.

Slimmer than a lot of the other brands too x

• we got ours second hand and it's going strong in it's 6th year!

I think the thing that's going to send me over the edge is her smell - she came absolutely smothered in perfume yesterday. My baby stinks, the chair where she left her coat stinks and the lid of the laundry basket too where she'd got changed and left her stuff. Before she left she sprayed herself lots too so my house has this lingering smell.

Aside from the fact that I don't want my house and baby smelling of my mum, I absolutely loathe her perfume, it's something very strong with some kind of oud in it I think - and she uses it like deodorant FFS so it's mixed with a sweaty undertone.

I am looking at a double pram on Sunday that my friend is willing to loan me for a few months so hopefully this will be it. Fingers crossed for me.