DH makes parenting harder

[Unsure05]

To start with, I know my reactions are in my control, but when DH is also something I have to manage I have less patience for my actual children and I’m a worse parent because of it. We have 2 DDs, 4 and 2, and they’re incredible in so many ways but as I’m sure we can all appreciate it can be a lot. 4 yo is going through something where she just plays up, does things she knows she shouldn’t do, has the biggest meltdowns I’ve ever seen, she hurts me and her little sister a lot and she can be a bit of a bully to her little sister. So all of this is taking up my energy just trying to stay calm, be firm, set boundaries, try not to let it escalate etc. I feel like I’m having to live my day around what might set her off. Luckily she’s at school at a great school that she loves but we get this before school, after school and at weekend. 2yo is a dream but is starting to copy her sister so is also now being a bit more challenging but only really when 4yo is around. Now DH works early so is out before we wake and home just after school pick up. He loves the girls so much and really tries with a gentle approach but if he’s not 100% or tired or the girls are being a lot then that’s it. He’s absent, on his phone, not bothered, snaps after 10 minutes, shouts, threatens, walks away muttering under his breath, talks to 4yo like crap and wonders why’s she’s so rude. Now I’m far from perfect, I snap, especially when being hurt or her little sister is hurt; I shout and loose my cool but normally after hours of putting up with it. We can have a nice calm day and DH comes home and snaps at the first thing and then that’s it, 4yo spirals into this behaviour. I’m exhausted with having to manage him and mediate between him and the girls. But on other days he’s great and he helps and he does house work but I’m just at the end of my tether with the other days which can be pretty regular and getting worse. Is this more damaging to the DDs if this carry’s on? We argue about it and I try not to in front of the girls but he just pushes until we do and he will talk about 4yo being hard and making our lives hard in front of her and I hate it so much. WWYD? I’ve seriously been thinking about leaving but I’d hate to do more damage that way, they love DH and get so excited when he comes home and I just don’t know what to do.

I've no advice for you OP but I didn't want to read and run, as I can sympathise - I'm in the same boat. It'll be easy for many on here to say LTB but it's not that easy when the kids adore him and when so often he's wonderful. It's so hard to know what's the right thing to do.

Thank you for the reply @NorthernLoon even solidarity is a comfort. It feels like everything would be easier alone at the minute but no idea if that would be worse in the long run. Tbh I even like the idea of being alone but might not once I do it! It’s so hard to know and I’m sorry you’re here with me. Sending love

I definitely sympathise. I've told my husband I'm disappointed that he spends hours a day listening to podcasts but can't be bothered to listen to any parenting ones. I've asked him to read up about things that will help us bring up our kids well without mentally scarring them but his response is "yes I really should".... I'm watching this thread to find out some more ideas myself

@Timeforsnacks exactly! He’s at work all day and he doesn’t have to do an awful lot! He’s got so much spare time that he works on courses or sends me a million instagram posts but doesn’t work on himself. Still comes home tired and grumpy and not ready to parent. He has done therapy a couple of times but just the 6 or so sessions you get from the doctors but unless he’s on top form everything just goes down hill. I hope we all get some good advice here! Sending love and solidarity your way too

Sending lots of solidarity and sympathy, x2 DD, same gap, just a bit older! Partner is similar too, works so hard but he’s exhausted after work and really struggles to manage their challenging behaviour and when he does try to parent he sometimes makes the wrong call, makes it worse, or has little influence and they don’t listen as I’m seen as the one in charge (SAHM) and spend all my time with them. (Which then makes him want to intervene less or hide away). our eldest is possibly ADHD too, very demanding, high needs and lots of patience required. Parenting has stretched us both mentally and physically to our limits, and I actually think 4 and 2 was one of our hardest stages, it all just felt so relentless. It still is, but a bit more manageable and more breaks if they are both at school or watching TV :) (if they can agree on!)

One suggestion I have is to divide up - he takes your eldest out to do something nice or fun or something they are interested in. Some 1-1 time, and you take the youngest. Then another time, swap, so he can spend some time having fun with the children but without the background chaos or arguing that ensues when they are both together or you are all together. Same goes for the evenings, he takes one upstairs for stories, etc you take the other downstairs, to try to keep things calm

Yeah I get it. Dh is like this sometimes, like ffs you have been with him 5 minutes!! It’s annoying because I end up taking over. I do talk to dh about it and he does try, but he also says I get frustrated which is true but usually about 8 hours In not 8 minutes!!

@ItsAWonderfulLifeforMe oh this is oddly reassuring. I sometimes thing our 4yo could be ADHD then she will go through a week or so where everything changes and she’s polite and helpful and caring and all the good things, then back to the challenging behaviour again. Can I ask what made it harder at this age? And when and why did it improve? I guess this is also how DH feels. I’m not a SAHM, I work 2 days a week but I’m the main parent

@ItsAWonderfulLifeforMe thats also great advice and does work sometimes! But if we try to split up at bedtime they often both want me and it causes meltdowns

@oncimesmask god this grates on me too. Like just because I did it after a day of crap and being hurt repeatedly means it’s okay for him to do it after 20 minutes after work. I could scream haha

I think 4 and 2 were a stressful combination as I was dealing with high anxiety from my eldest during the last bit of preschool/ reception year, and getting used to the school routine and school life. I was also trying to deal with nap schedules / dropping naps/ removing dummy and potty training with my youngest and I always felt like I was needed constantly. I had to follow the 2 year old around as they are so unpredictable at that age or deal with my 4 year olds unpredictable moods or arguing etc! Now they both can have meltdowns occasionally but they are toilet trained, I’m not dancing round doing naps, I don’t have preschool and school to contend with, they have shared interests and I can go to a park and I actually sit down on a bench!! (Sometimes :))

This.....

"He’s absent, on his phone, not bothered, snaps after 10 minutes, shouts, threatens, walks away muttering under his breath, talks to 4yo like crap"

Is what's causing this.....

"4 yo is going through something where she just plays up, does things she knows she shouldn’t do, has the biggest meltdowns I’ve ever seen"

Is there any way that he could be convinced to at least try changing his behavior to see if it changes hers?

Yep I have found this too :) another thing I also find helps is to give him a bit of time to decompress after work (a luxury I realise that mums often do not have!) but if he takes 30 mins to himself after work maybe he would be calmer, or even just ask him to stay away and you do bedtime yourself if that easier for you. Maybe have more of a schedule in terms of who is doing what so it isn’t unpredictable and he knows what he needs to do if it’s not clear (eg dishwasher etc)

Also I think the first year of school is so overwhelming that lots of 4 year olds do get very tired and emotional and unpredictable, definitely after school (mine are so demanding!) and I found this got a bit easier in Year 1 as they are older and can cope better with the school day and the general demands of school and also the social side which is often so draining, who they are playing with in the playground etc

@ItsAWonderfulLifeforMe oh that’s so good to read. Yes 2yo is very needy and unpredictable and 4yo is very emotional and reactive and it feels impossible sometimes. Has your relationship improved since things have felt easier? Sorry for all the questions! And yes that’s also great advice! I do tend to do bedtime alone while he cleans up after tea but even that can be hard and I find I’m resenting him getting to do something easier all because he can’t hack the harder moments. But we then do try to spend some time either playing or reading or doing puzzles 1-1 with each of them even if it’s in the same room!

@SheridansPortSalut Absolutely! I’ve told him this, he knows this, he even sends me endless reels about parenting including this. But when he’s checked out he either doesn’t remember or can’t be bothered to act differently

I think our relationship has definitely improved because I have more patience with him, and the children, now I get a break when they are at school! Before, my little one was with me full time and then only did x15 hours at preschool at 3 and that time was spent doing lots of housework and chores or just washing my hair or appointments etc. Now I choose to volunteer and have some sanity back for the hours between the madness of school drop-off and then pickup and after school chaos. This time goes so fast though and the to-do list is never ending and I miss them being at home :) (and then they get home and start arguing) I have recently started working again too but that’s a whole different ball game of anxiety..

I think generally we now have way more fun times than we do stress due to their ages, and he finds them a lot easier to parent when you can all sit and watch a film together or go away for a weekend without all the chaos a baby or toddler brings!

Just to add, I am still absolutely the default parent though and I often find they behave better when he’s not around and I feel more in control as I don’t have to negotiate with him about our parenting or help him. I have spent so much time with them solo though when he’s working it’s just more normal to be us x3 (6 week school holidays are looming!)

Parenting classes?

Gah, yes, mine also does the "but you shout at them too!"... which is infuriating. He did take it on board when I told him that if I shouted at them, say twice a week, that would make up about 2% of my interactions with them. But if he shouts at them twice a week it would make up more like 10%. (Inaccurate maths - I don't count our interactions! - but you get the principle.)
He was also surprised to hear that I always apologise and try to repair the relationship if I lose my rag, and talk about how they felt as well. (Though again, if he'd listened to any of the podcasts I listen to, that wouldn't have come as a surprise... 🙄🤦🏼‍♀️)
What was your DH's upbringing like, OP (or anyone else on the thread)? My FIL has a really quick temper and is quite controlling, and DH said he was really shouting when he was growing up, so I think that's where it comes from. He is actually trying to be different, a bit, bit thinks he can do it just by trying harder rather than actually working on any of his issues/triggers or doing any reading to understand children's neurodevelopment and gain some empathy for them. Which isn't proving to be very successful thus far.

@ItsAWonderfulLifeforMe ah this is refreshing to read thank you! I’m so glad it’s improved for you and you have more time to do things you enjoy! I’m hoping this is my future! Thank you so much for sharing it really has helped.

@NorthernLoon wow our situations sound so similar too! He is trying and aware of appropriate expectations but he lost his mum at 14 and his dad last year but he’s said before he was shouted at and shamed and was never taught how to regulate. But again, he expects this new knowledge to just be the answer, not the actual self development and healing that’s actually needed. So it’s a constant cycle!