Almost 4-year-old following me absolutely everywhere around the house

[DaisyEM]

I’m in need of some parenting advice! So for a few weeks now my almost 4 year old has been following me round the house, to the point that he comes into the loo with me/makes me come in to the loo with him when he’s going for a wee. For context he’s almost 4, and we welcomed his first sibling into our family almost 3 months ago.

This morning I tried to set him up in his room with some toys before I went for a shower, I said to him that I would leave the bathroom door open in case he needed to ask me anything. I hadn’t even managed to get in the shower before he was pushing his Playmobil camper van through the bathroom door 🙄 told him there as no space in the bathroom and so he whinged/played in the door way, and then when I got out the shower he pushed it just a bit over the threshold into the bathroom smiling as he knew I’d told him not to come in. From then every room I went into he followed with his campervan, even when I was just grabbing something and going back out again. He won’t play by himself even for a few seconds, he’s very much glued to me, and is acting up when I’m busy the baby to get my attention. A few weeks ago he was playing by himself just fine. I guess he’s noticed that the baby goes everywhere with me and so he wants to too, and maybe he feels like he doesn’t want to be replaced so is trying to stay with me as much as possible?! I’ve been trying so hard to involve him, play with him when I’m able to, still have some 1-2-1 time, so I’m not sure what’s going on, but ‘m finding it difficult having him follow me absolutely everywhere and refuse to do anything by himself at all.

I don’t know how to approach it. Do I keep trying to encourage him to do things by himself and hope he eventually starts doing it, or do I just accept it and let him do it and hope he passes?! I feel mean explaining to him that as he’s nearly 4 he should be doing things like going to the loo or a bit of playing by himself 😔

Thank you, this is really helpful. I think I do need to talk to him more to help him understand better x

You're welcome.
Another thing that seemed to help was me 'telling baby off'. I realised it must sound like baby is the angelic one who can do no wrong whilst big brother is being told what to do and not do all the time. So if baby poked my arm with her hand (obviously completely unintentionally!) I'd say, gentle hands please baby, we don't poke each other. Exactly like I'd do to toddler. And make absolutely sure he heard and saw this.
Just so he saw that he wasn't the horrible one doing things wrong.

Or baby cried for yet more milk, and I'd say, really baby you have just had milk, you can't have everything you want all the time. Roll my eyes and sigh conspiratorially at DS, tutting at baby etc. Then immediately pick baby up to feed.

It seemed to get DS to think we were on the same team, like he was a grown up.

@HiCandles ahh this is a good idea, thanks. Honestly I feel like I don’t know what I’m doing based on all this advice, as a lot of it seems quite obvious but I think I’ve just been going through the motions doing the best I can, without time to pause and think about what’s really going on for DS and how to handle it 😢

Yes this is really helpful I think.

I remember realising that as soon as baby cried I would abandon my toddler and pick the baby up. I had to learn to try not to do this. If someone else was there I would say “ can you please pick baby up; I’m just having a cuddle with toddler.” Everything in you aches to go to the baby, but I learned to soften and restrain my response.

If on my own I tended to say “oh, baby wants a cuddle TOO now” to reinforce toddler had actually had one “ first.” But the more you can ask someone else to do it, the better.

It would be awful for Mum to throw you aside every time That Baby cried. 😬

DS1 could not remember all the time we spent with him as a new baby - obviously - so was put out that we spent so much time with the new baby. When the baby was asleep or not demanding I found this a lovely time to share baby pictures and stories of his early life - how cute he was, how demanding he was - because he had no memory of this time in his own life but experienced the upheaval of a new baby.

Really normal, I let mine pretend to be the baby sometimes which he loves – gets talked to in a baby voice and acts like he’s helpless. It’s actually extremely useful when he won’t cooperate (eg getting dressed) because once we start playing he just lies down like a baby would and lets me dress him! I read somewhere that them following you round is the sign of a secure attachment. Plus his whole world has changed with the arrival of a sibling. It’ll pass!

@AtLeastThreeDrinks well at least I’ve done something right then, re secure attachment 😆 today I played with him for an hour in the garden while baby was in the carrier, and then this afternoon we’ve been to a toy shop for him to spend his pocket money and to a cafe for cake, he’s now playing with his new toy on the rug in front of me while I feed baby and ‘play’ verbally with him. I’m glad everyone is saying it’s normal though. To start with when we first brought baby home he almost found his independence in being a big brother, but now he’s gone completely backwards, but I’m assuming it’s because he’s realised baby is here to stay and things are different now 😔

Also for those saying about putting baby down for naps, I just find this more stressful when it’s just me and the two of them, as DS1 gets very impatient while I’m trying to get baby to sleep. I BF him to sleep and then hold him for 15 mins to try and make sure he’s in a deep sleep, then try to transfer him. 9 times out of 10 he wakes on the first transfer and I have to start the whole process all over again. All in all it can take 1.5hrs just to get him down in his crib and then half the time he will only nap 30 mins so doesn’t seem worth it. I have to repeatedly remind DS to keep his voice down, not climb on me, not touch baby etc and it just feels like far too much to expect him to be patient all that time. To me it’s easier to let baby contact nap and join in with DS1’s games verbally while I hold baby, or put him in the carrier for naps and then I can play better with DS1, or play with him during baby’s wake windows while he’s on the play mat etc.

I think we have the same children, mine won't be put down either and even trying to have a rest with the baby results in frustration when the bigger one gets bored and wants attention. He lets me know nice and loudly, waking the baby! The bigger one was also great at independent play in the early days, now not so much. I only get respite when the tv's on, and then I feel guilty!

This was my experience too. I wasted so much time trying to get cot naps and my DS was so bored by it, plus I had to constantly tell him to not make noise which is just unrealistic. Quickly realised all naps had to be in the sling. By 6-7 months baby was a champion buggy napper and then I could happily leave her sleeping on the patio or a small playground whilst DS and I played, after a short walk where he sat in double buggy eating snacks next to her.

Understandable! That's why it's great to speak to other parents who have learnt the hard way already! You're doing fine, I'm sure, just the fact that you're taking the time to think about your DS's feelings is more than some do. You've got a new baby and managing 2 is not easy. I always feel like 2 is harder than just double - you've got older one, you've got baby, then you've got the interaction and relationship between them to think about. Be kind to yourself 💐

I think the move from 1 to 2 is actually the biggest change. First baby has your world revolve around them, 3rd baby onwards everyone has learned how to slot in. But the arrival of baby 2 is huge for baby 1 ( and mum!)

Yes @HiCandles I know what you mean about 2 being harder than double - for me it was definitely the hardest transition

Ohh that’s so funny! It’s so tricky isn’t it 🤪 what’s the age gap between yours? X