Almost 4-year-old following me absolutely everywhere around the house

[DaisyEM]

I’m in need of some parenting advice! So for a few weeks now my almost 4 year old has been following me round the house, to the point that he comes into the loo with me/makes me come in to the loo with him when he’s going for a wee. For context he’s almost 4, and we welcomed his first sibling into our family almost 3 months ago.

This morning I tried to set him up in his room with some toys before I went for a shower, I said to him that I would leave the bathroom door open in case he needed to ask me anything. I hadn’t even managed to get in the shower before he was pushing his Playmobil camper van through the bathroom door 🙄 told him there as no space in the bathroom and so he whinged/played in the door way, and then when I got out the shower he pushed it just a bit over the threshold into the bathroom smiling as he knew I’d told him not to come in. From then every room I went into he followed with his campervan, even when I was just grabbing something and going back out again. He won’t play by himself even for a few seconds, he’s very much glued to me, and is acting up when I’m busy the baby to get my attention. A few weeks ago he was playing by himself just fine. I guess he’s noticed that the baby goes everywhere with me and so he wants to too, and maybe he feels like he doesn’t want to be replaced so is trying to stay with me as much as possible?! I’ve been trying so hard to involve him, play with him when I’m able to, still have some 1-2-1 time, so I’m not sure what’s going on, but ‘m finding it difficult having him follow me absolutely everywhere and refuse to do anything by himself at all.

I don’t know how to approach it. Do I keep trying to encourage him to do things by himself and hope he eventually starts doing it, or do I just accept it and let him do it and hope he passes?! I feel mean explaining to him that as he’s nearly 4 he should be doing things like going to the loo or a bit of playing by himself 😔

How much 1-1 time does he get? Realistically could he be craving more? and would that be unreasonable?
Does he go to childcare?

He’s at preschool three days a week, until 2.30ish. 1-2-1 time is tricky, as baby will only contact nap in the day and I’m by myself with them in the week. A lot of the time when baby is asleep I play verbally with him if that makes sense, or sometimes I use the carrier to free up my hands and play properly. On the rare occasion that baby will nap in his crib I always prioritise spending time with him playing etc rather than getting cleaning done x

Sound perfectly normal. He needs reassurance now that baby is here.

Thanks for replying ☺️ is there anything you’d advise? I’m trying my best to spend as my b time with him as possible, involve him as much as I can, telling him I love him etc. I still do his bedtime every night and sit with him as he falls asleep etc. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated x

I agree that it sounds pretty normal, especially with a relatively new baby sibling in the mix – sorry!

Could you use the carrier more so you can play more fully with him more often? Or will baby nap in the pram, so you can get out to the play park and similar with him? Will baby ever chill in a bouncer or on a play mat for a bit and watch you play with big brother? Or indeed just watching big brother, and then you can comment on how good big brother is at entertaining baby.

I'd probably aim quite small with being away from you right now, and really clear communication – I'm just nipping upstairs to grab more nappies, then I'll be right back. Praise for staying playing by himself whilst you nipped out, even if it was for all of 30 seconds.

I had a similar age gap and something that helped me was doing really obvious 'choosing' of my eldest over my youngest, at least a few times per day. So if I was going for a shower, I'd actively involve my eldest and invite her to play e.g. with her bath toys in the sink or say things like "While I'm having my shower, you can sit on the potty and sing me a song if you want. Baby is too little to do that so he is going to lie in his moses basket just outside the door" (where I could see him). At other times, I'd deliberately make baby wait, just briefly and say things like "I know you want your milk, but first mummy needs to give your big sister a cuddle".
I also tried to do drop offs and pickups solo whenever possible; sometimes DH would go in late or WFH and take his lunch late so I could pick up our eldest and give her that 15mins totally focused on her.

This all sounds pretty normal to me too. All I can advise is acceptance. It shouldn't last more than another year or so. Which sounds like forever but it isn't

I wouldn't make a baby wait for milk! How horrible.

the other idea is good though

I don't think most 3yos go to the loo by themselves, especially not for a poo

also make sure you're nipping out for non-baby related activities.

also get him to come and help you with stuff "i really need your help with the laundry" or get him to pull stuff out of the tumble drier etc with you

To be clear, I'm talking about when my youngest was awake and possibly not even due a feed, not actively crying for milk. And by wait I mean 30 seconds. The important bit was demonstrating equality, an older sibling will always have to wait for a parents attention when a younger one is in need, so finding opportunities to demonstrate redressing the balance worked for us.

Only to keep on doing what you’re doing. Two under 5 is tough, physically and emotionally. The only thing that helps is time.

Does your partner spend one to one time with him?

It might just be a phase, my DC is very self sufficient but sometimes will follow me around and when I ask why, they reply "its my favourite thing to do". Sometimes I think they just like being physically near you

what @JohnLapsleyParlabane suggests is how I managed it. @ButteredRadishes we aren't talking make them wait half any hour, we are talking minutes only like them having to wait for a bottle to cool.
If DP can look after baby for 15-30 mins one night a week.spend that time going for a walk hunting bugs, playing football ball anything thay is just you 2 time.
It's a pain but all normal, remember to talk about differences in bodies, and periods if they ask about it, when in the bathroom.
Good luck @DaisyEM it's does get easier learning to split time between them - it's a minefield finding the balance for your family

Yeah, he just wants you! Can you chat to him loads when you're doing stuff with the baby? Get him to bring you nappies or whatever, then praise him lots for being such an amazing, helpful big brother?

I used to get the toddler to bring me a pile of picture books while I was feeding the baby. Then we all snuggled together and I read him the books while the baby fed.

We also went out lots - baby in the pram, toddler on the balance bike (I always had a piece of rope so I could tow him if he got tired). Or I had the baby in the sling when we were around the house, if he was clingy, so I could play with the toddler/do other stuff at the same time.

I hear you, OP, it feels like forever when you're in that phase, but it passes really fast!

I’d definitely make a point of more 1:1 time even if this has to be on weekends, finding important busy jobs he can do as a big boy like loading the washing machine or something and I’d be looking to stop the baby contact napping or at a push do it hands free in a sling so nap time can be his time. And then this is of course up to you but personally I’d draw a hard boundary at coming in the toilet with me (at home, obviously needs must when you’re out) and would lock the door. Mine is just 4 and I’ve found that nursery are pushing toileting privacy and independence in preparation for starting school in September so it’s easy to have the same boundaries at home.

They can sense you want space and it makes them feel insecure (especially with the new arrival) so they’re pushing themselves closer.

My eldest was a summer born so we had to push independent toileting and wiping herself whilst she was still 3 otherwise she never would have been ready for school. I
imagine most parents with summer babies (that are not deferring) are in the same boat.

Yeah. Having siblings is so common ( and ultimately fruitful) that we tend to underestimate how much it can feel to your Dc like you would feel if your DH had brought home another wife “because there’s plenty of love for us all,”

You’d probably be pushing your camper van into the bathroom at a minimum!

Sibling jealousy is really normal and he needs support managing it rather than judgment and pushing him away. I know that’s hard.

Can you organise a morning out together alone while someone minds baby? Also he needs a chunk of time each day for just him- stories, colouring in, pushing a camper van 🙄 … whatever he’d like. I do realise it’s a tricky time but it’s vv tricky for him!!

Maybe you should start to reduce the contact napping so when ds is around, the baby could sleep in his crib. I held ds a lot when he was little, we had a lot of 1 to 1 quality time but in the day, he always slept in his pram (proper pram, not a buggy), I don't think contact napping was a thing years ago. It's clear that your ds is craving more quality attention and time with you so teaching baby to sleep independently would be a good way of allowing that.

Exactly.

Even my DH still does this!

I’ve learned that if I want attention from my family I only have to get on the phone for a long chat with a friend and they are suddenly all over me! Not a minute goes by without one of them appearing in the doorway to mouth some “ urgent” message.

We’re in this situation too, and the reason why I say about him not going to the loo by himself specifically is because he was doing it until a few weeks ago. He can wipe his bum and flush the loo etc, so he really doesn’t need me to go in with him. He starts school in September too and so needs to be going by himself for this reason. He’s been potty trained for 1.5 years and so very capable of going by himself. I don’t feel like I’m rushing him with this x

I'm sure it's a combination of things.
My just turned 3 year old has lost all ability to play independently in the last few weeks. He even demands a parent present to watch TV, literally just sitting next to him.
His sister is 16mo so no new baby issues here.
I think it's just another stage!

In your position OP I'd do your best to arrange some 1:1 time for him with each parent. That really helped my son when his sister was born. Like you I felt I spent a lot of time with him whilst she was sleeping, but it's not the same when they know you're going to abandon play and tend to baby if required. I casually said things like, oh it's so nice just us, it's quite tricky when baby sister needs mummy isn't it, and I love baby but I also miss just being you and me, and I find it hard when she's crying and I can't play with you. Just voicing his thoughts and validating them without any pressure for him to join in.

Yep mine is august born too, finishing Reception soon. We can push it all we like but generally they will still want mummy or daddy to go in with them sometimes even at 5, 6 years old.

Thanks so much everyone for your replies. So much helpful advice! I feel like I can implement a lot of this. I’ll try getting dad to take baby a bit more on the weekends so I can have some 1-2-1 time with DS1. His Dad spends loads of time with him at the weekend which is great. Glad to know how he’s being is totally normal, and I can see it from his perspective, particularly with what was going on this morning with me having baby in the bathroom on his changing mat while I was showering, and me saying that there wasn’t enough room for him to come in, in hindsight I realise that wasn’t the right thing to say 😢