When do children learn about humility or empathy?

[mummyespresso]

I think it's humility, / empathy or accountability I am talking about. Basically my nearly 5yo boy has a tendency to get quite stubborn when ever he does something accidental to someone else. For example, the other day he accidentally bumped into our friends 2yo daughter and she fell over. It was nothing serious, she was fine, and it was an accident which happened whilst he was playing catch with his Dad, but we went over to the girl and her Mum to se if she was okay and to apologise etc, however my son refused to say anything and just walked off, saying it wasn't his fault and got really cross and stubborn.

To be clear we weren't telling him off or scolding him at all, but encouraged him to check the little girl was alright and just say sorry for bumping into her whilst we were acknowledging it was a complete accident. These are the types of situations he finds hard and he really digs his heels in.

Also, similarly if, say, someone accidentally slightly hurt him / trod on his toe or similar, he will get cross and say "you did it on purpose" and sometimes hits them back, even when the person immediately says "oops, I'm ever so sorry etc". We obviously have conversations about this but he is very much entrenched in this phase. He is our only child so I don't know if all children are like this.

I don't know if this is completely normal at almost 5, or if there is anything further we can do to support him apart from the conversations we have been having, and of course modelling.

I think this is a personality thing. My nearly 4 year old has been the “oh I’m so dreadfully sorry” type of child since he could talk. He will always check on any child who has fallen or hurt themselves even if he doesn’t know them. My friend’s child of the same age is more like your son. I’m sure it all evens out eventually. Kids are selfish by nature usually and then there’s some variation with personality and temperament.

I'm not saying this is the case with you or your DH, but IME this is usually learned behaviour. So does he regularly see & hear you, his dad and/or wider family showing empathy, apologising, being kind - actively seeking out opportunities where you can be kind and helpful.

I have older children one of whom is still like your DC and look back and see how we could have done things differently. For example, whilst I'm very kind go out of my way to help people, I am quite stubborn & apologies don't come easily or naturally to me so DS probably didn't see or hear this often enough. DH on the other hand is much better at acknowledging if he's done wrong and will readily offer a sincere apology where needed but IMO is lacking a bit of empathy sometimes (not to people he loves more strangers/general public) and I think DS has unfortunately picked up our negative traits & they are even more pronounced in him . He is happy, funny, loving with his family and many other wonderful traits but I do struggle with his lack of empathy sometimes & wished we'd made more of an effort to model this behaviour not prompt & remind when needed.

One of my kids is like yours, another is very empathetic and caring. I don’t think it’s something we did differently for them, I think it’s personality.

Whilst natural empathy is there from infancy, faking it in order to be socially acceptable requires a fully functional prefrontal cortex - a process that is completed about age 25… :-0

I explained to my DD that when she accidentally hurts someone, saying sorry isn't the same as saying its her fault, it's just saying she's sorry that they are hurt and she didn't mean for them to be.

I think that empathy develops at different rates in different kids. Boys tend to be a bit slower than girls in my experience. DD is less empathetic than some of her friends but she does have other qualities.

Maybe social stories to go along with the modelling? Sometimes it's easier to get these things in a story because we are explicitly told what each character is thinking and feeling, plus it removes the self-protective aspect (whether 'but I didn't mean to!' or 'but he bumped me!').

It’s modelled and corrected by attentive parenting. You do exactly what you did, but realistically, they aren’t always going to respond the way you hope every time.

If they are feeling emotionally dysregulated, they won’t be able to respond anything but reactively often. You still model it and you ask them to say sorry, etc. But there are two more bits.

One, you have a conversation about it later when they are calm and talk about how you could have handled it better.

Two, you show empathy and reconciliation yourself. When you get pushed to your limits and end up shouting at him about something, you calm yourself down and you come to him and say sorry and explain that you got upset and you shouldn’t have spoken like that and ask that he’s okay. When they see us do it, they learn that’s how we act when that happens.

I’ll add to the above that the one child I know who kicks off constantly that whatever happened isn’t his fault (even when it is) and can never apologise or admit he did something wrong has a dad exactly like that. He’s the village bully (the dad 🙄), always getting in spats at the pub, legal action against all his neighbours, the school, etc. Everything is always about him being picked on, his rights, blah, blah. It’s a learned behaviour having little empathy for others or ability to see situations from others perspective. It’s very much learned in the home.

I'd say that most of the 4/5 yos i know are empathetic most of the time and all have their moments of stubborness especially when there is a stick involved which seems to be this group of kids most prized possession!
I think often the times when it doesn't happen stick out more than the times it does so I think first I would do some conscious watching to see where the balance currently is. I think maybe taking a step back when it does happen rather than staying in the environment trying to get him to check in with the other child take him a way one on one and talk to him about what happened and what the appropriate response. The more insistence there is for them to do something the more they seem to dig their heels in and that's not necessarily productive so I'd take a step away from the situation to have the conversation in a less pressured environment.

I have long believed that many chldren are narcissists - they believe they are the best, they never take accountability, they struggle to see other perspectives.

As parents, our job is to keep modelling the correct behaviour, talk to them about other perspectives etc.

I explained to my DD that when she accidentally hurts someone, saying sorry isn't the same as saying its her fault, it's just saying she's sorry that they are hurt and she didn't mean for them to be.

This. I would have said we are going straight home if he refused to apologize. It’s rude and unkind. Especially at 5.
You do need to model empathy at home too. Actively demonstrate apologies and kind behavior.