How to deal with 3.5 yo DS touching himself?

[AngeloMysterioso]

It’s becoming incessant… he will lie on his front on the sofa with his hands over the top of his joggers and- for want of a better word- hump. To the point where he’s flushed and sweaty. We ask him to stop and to leave his willy alone but he just gets straight back to it. He’s been doing it for a while but it really ramped up since we started potty training him and he’s not in nappies during the day anymore. My eldest DS didn’t do this and we’re just not sure how to handle it- any suggestions?

Tell him it's something to do in private in his bedroom on his own.

⬆️ this

Morning, everyone. It looks like this thread had a few reports last night, probably due to the nature of its content, and was automatically hidden. We've had a good look behind the scenes and just wanted to reassure everyone that we don't see any cause for concern here. Obviously we can never know with 100% certainity that people are what they say they are but the OP has been around for a good number of years so we don't have any immediate worries about it.

Sorry for the hiatus, OP. We'll leave you to the thread now. Hope you get some more helpful replies here.

We have similar dry humping behaviour with my just turned four year old girl. She doesn't do it out of the house and mainly does it in bed when trying to sleep so we have just been ignoring it, although she did dry hump the sofa in front of her grandmother this week... it's so hard not to shame them... sorry wish I had better advice- we are hoping she might just grow out of it.

The first reply nails it. If he starts in public send him to his bedroom immediately and remind him only in private.

Do you still see a health visitor OP? May be something to discuss with them, I have 2 boys and it's not something I've experienced either. Although all boys regardless of age once they know it's there become obsessed with it and it's hard to get them to leave it alone.

Just popping back to say we've edited the title slightly - hope you don't mind, OP. We think perhaps the terms you used might have been what caused folk to worry a bit so we've just done a quick edit.

He doesn’t just do it at home, he also does it at PILs house and the childminder’s. I don’t want to give him body hang ups for the rest of his life but equally it’s not very pleasant when he’s just doing it next to us on the sofa! We’ve tried telling him to go to his room but he doesn’t want to. Good suggestion about speaking to HV though, might give that a try.

It's really normal and lots of kids do it. It is really about just telling him to do it in private but he is only 4, if he's only doing it at home in front of you it's not the end of the world although it's not very nice to watch! My DD did it for years.

"We've tried telling him to go to his room but he doesn't want to" - I suspect that's the issue here. What are you doing about him refusing to leave the room to do it? It needs to become a non negotiable.

Name changed so that I could comment! I used to do this when little - started at about age3 too. For me it was just such a pleasurable sensation. I only did it in bed though. It think if you can get your DS to just do it in the privacy of his bedroom that should be ok. If he starts anywhere else, he should be reprimanded. Tell him it’s only for bed!

Yes, at 4 he's presumably still small enough for you to pick up and carry - so if he won't go to his room of own accord, or be led there by you, then the answer is pick him up.

I also think its OK to say to a 4 year old that it's "inappropriate" to do this in front of others. If he doesn't know the meaning already, he'll learn it quickly enough and its useful to help discern between bad behaviour and private behaviour.

It’s extremely common with young children - and you rightly don’t want to give him hang ups. At this age he surely knows the NSPCC pants rule ( good video if not ) which is an easy to understand analogy that whilst bodies are great ; some things are private. Ditto with the potty training , easy to explain that whilst body functions are really important and normal mummy doesn’t wee or poo openly in front of everyone!! ( if he still potties in public you can say because you are now “ more grown up”) He’s obviously exploring/ enjoying the freedom out of nappies! Also rather than say no I’d try and think of a positive phrase you prefer ( in a special school I worked in when this was an issue we used “ calm/ polite hands” and moved them above the table. A simple “ bedroom or calm hands?” Or whichever phrase you prefer will remind him ( he is probs doing it absentmindedly and it’s become a self- soothing habit) : if he chooses to continue, no comment just straight to the bedroom. ( by hand hold or carry if necessary) and ensure you leave on a cheery note ( see you when your hands are calm or similar). Good luck!

Haven't RTFT so apologies if someone has already covered this. Just wanted to very clearly point out this is sensory NOT sexual at his age, it feels nice so he keeps doing it.

Rather than directly telling him to stop/it's wrong etc explain that you know it feels nice but it's something that only big boys/teenagers/grown ups do (pick whatever language suits you and your family as of course some 3yr olds are told they big boys for eating their veg etc lol) and that it's something that if he wants to do when he's older he should do it in his bedroom.

Once you've had the conversation above don't draw attention to it, if you see him starting then swoop in with "hey Timmy shall we play/watch insert activity/programme here" and distract him. Hopefully you'll break the habit and after a while he will forget how nice it feels until he's of an age where it's no longer sensory and definitely sexual and at that point I'm pretty sure he will be very private about it!!

It's actually very common, more so in SEN kids but with all children. Obviously you don't want him to think it's dirty or wrong as that would be setting him up for possibly having intimacy issues when he's an adult so be careful with the language you use. Just repeat the mantra internally sensory NOT sexual and distract distract distract!

I understand it's very uncomfortable and awkward to watch but that's only because you are a grown up viewing through the lens of it being sexual, he's just a little boy who's found something that feels nice and views it through the lens of sensory.

It doesn't matter what he is doing really
If its unacceptable and you have told him to stop and he won't/refuses to go to him room he needs consequences.
Treat it just like anything else he isn't allowed to do

Only thing I'd try is distraction either ask him to do something for you or have fidget toys/blow up boxing mannequin & gloves (added benefit - you can't do anything in boxing gloves 🙄)

My son turned out to have a problem with his foreskin and needed circumsion to remedy the problem. Be sure to rule out any infection or problem there.

You need to tell him he can't touch himself unless he's in his room privately.

If he wants to be with mammy daddy and family he needs to leave his willy alone. It's OK to touch it but we only touch it to go to the toilet or during private time.

I’ve got visions of OP blasting him with a water pistol every time he starts 😂

My DS used to do this from being about 1, it was only when we were going through autism assessment that they said it was him stimming. We tried to explain he should do it in private, but didn't explain why as he was too young to talk about sex. Then it got to Y5 and he did it in class - we explained it was a sexual thing, he was horrified, he thought it was just a pleasurable thing. He's never done it in public since.

You have searched for two old posts about this subject now and commented on them digging for more details.

I am reporting you as I don’t think you are genuinely adding to the discussion. I think you’re looking for more details to read.

Forget about body shaming - he should be ashamed about incessantly humping in front of mummy and daddy, grandparents and the childminder when he has been told to stop. Maybe you have to tell him explicitly to do it in private - in his bedroom with closed doors. There is nothing wrong with a healthy dose of shame over bad behaviour.

You resurrected a nearly 3 month old thread to dish out this dreadful advice?

I didn't realise it was an old thread and I decided not to apologise about it being an old thread when I realised because it would push it up the rankings as it were. People can have different views about what is acceptable parenting. I think we can all accept that OP has now found some way of dealing with the situation.