Son's dad abandoning him

[Inneedofadvice25]

Me and my son's (1) dad split up around 6 weeks ago. Son was going there weekends. Ex is drowning in debt and works a minimum wage job. He is now saying he cannot commit to any time with son as he is completing a course which leaves him 'zero free time'. He is from London and thinks because I moved in with my mom and have my family local and already have a career that this is okay because he now has a house to run, a fulltime job and is doing/starting a course.

I am absolutely devastated he is walking away from his responsibility as a dad. We spoke at length about things like this so for us to be here is very upsetting. We watched my sister go through similar things with her child's father and he had a lot to say about that at the time.

Throughout these 6 weeks I have sent him pictures and videos of our son and he has done the same in his time. He messaged yesterday morning asking how our son was and I replied with a photo and asked if he was making plans to see him. He replied with the above about not having free time and was sorting his schedule out. Naturally I was very upset about this because 100% childcare falls to me and I am upset he is not considering our child in all of this.

I am now getting help from a neighbour to look after my son whilst I work when my mom who usually has him leaves for a holiday.

Ex asked for a photo earlier and I did not open the message. He later responded saying "don't play with my son" and that he was going to come to mine and put him to bed himself. Whilst on his way he rang my sister who discouraged him coming. He now says we can communicate through her and for me to send pictures and videos of our son to her for him.

I am obviously in a place where I am so upset, angry and disappointed we are where we are. I don't want to send him photos when he can't even commit to spend a few hours with his any day of the week. Even though it's just pics/vids it feels like yet another responsibility to me whilst he gets to live his life free from childcare commitments.

I need objective views on how to navigate this and your thoughts on him replacing physical contact with videos and pictures.

I can understand how upsetting this must be.

I would encourage him to download a shared parenting app like My Family Wizard.

The benefit for him is that you can upload photos, keep him informed about things like doctors appointments and activities.

The huge benefit for you is that you can use the communication in any Court proceedings. Plus you can record any expenses you incur with LO.

If you are asking friends and neighbours with help with childcare, have you applied for CSA? You should be able to get around 80% of any childcare fees through them.

Have you applied for CMS yet?

And lastly, I’d ask @MNHQto move this over to the Relationship Section as you’ll a few MNers with similar experiences in there

I have been in your position and I well remember how angry it made me. I had to accept that I could not control my ex's actions or choices. I set about organizing my life to meet my own needs and the needs of my children. He could do what he liked, but I was't going to bend over backwards to accommodate him. The childcare thing is unfuriatingly unfair, but again, you can't force him. It sounds like you're figuring out a system that works and that doesn't need him.

Whatever you do, never let your son know you think his father has failed him. Children need to believe in their parents. I always talked my ex up to his kids and reassured them that he loved them. Vent all you like with your family, but protect the image your son has of his father. Eventually the truth will out all by itself.