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Original poster

Exes new partner won’t let him see our daughter

22 replies

Blueberry1980 · 01/06/2025 18:05

Hey, thank you for reading. Daughter from previous relationship now 15. Her dad got into a new relationship after I left him when she was 2. He chose to not see her and we have just been getting on with life. He popped up a month ago wanting to see our daughter, I’m cautious but our daughter wants to see him so ok I won’t stand in the way. This has obviously been something he decided behind his new wife’s back. There is a long back story. She has kicked off and won’t allow it as she thinks he wants to get back with me? Wtf it’s been 13 years and we can’t stand eachother, or at least I can’t stand him! My daughter is now very upset. I don’t know what to do, any advice?

OP posts:
FlowersandElephants · 01/06/2025 18:16

He can’t blame his new partner, if he actually wanted to see his daughter he would do it regardless.

feathermucker · 01/06/2025 18:19

If he wanted to, he would. Sadly, it’s as simple as that.

Original poster
Blueberry1980 · 01/06/2025 18:20

he would wouldn’t he! Makes me wonder why he even bothered as it’s just messed with our daughters head

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WayneEyre · 01/06/2025 18:25

Have you got a line of communication with him? I'm not in the position so others may disagree but I think I'd be very clear that she's very hurt. I wouldn't give him a decision of 'are you in or out? as that makes it your tough decision. But I would ask why he got in touch and what his intentions were/ are and how he would like to explain this to your daughter. Be extremely civil and polite.

If he wanted to be in touch he would so this isn't from the stance of negotiating but I'd want it known that pissing in and out isn't ok especially at that age when they will take it personally. Hence I'd ask him to account for himself. Wanker.

I would keep your daughter out of this discussion for now.

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 01/06/2025 18:28

Unless his GF has chained him to the radiator - he could see his DD. It might piss off his GF and he's trying to avoid that, but if he really wanted to, he would. He's allowed out alone...

Gettingbysomehow · 01/06/2025 18:29

He's pathetic.

BreadInCaptivity · 01/06/2025 18:30

He chose to be with a partner who made their relationship conditional on him not seeing his child.

That makes her a shitty person, but him even more so. A decent father would have said hell no and run for the hills.

I’d be very cautious here. Why now? What’s changed? What are his intentions? A quick catch up then bugger off for another 13 years? Or has he found his spine (and deeply buried sense of decency) and wants a long term relationship with DD even if means pissing off his wife?

In your shoes I’d be asking these questions before anything goes further with DD. She’s not a toy he can pick up and discard at will.

Your DD will also need support to navigate her feelings about this.

BreadInCaptivity · 01/06/2025 18:30

He chose to be with a partner who made their relationship conditional on him not seeing his child.

That makes her a shitty person, but him even more so. A decent father would have said hell no and run for the hills.

I’d be very cautious here. Why now? What’s changed? What are his intentions? A quick catch up then bugger off for another 13 years? Or has he found his spine (and deeply buried sense of decency) and wants a long term relationship with DD even if means pissing off his wife?

In your shoes I’d be asking these questions before anything goes further with DD. She’s not a toy he can pick up and discard at will.

Your DD will also need support to navigate her feelings about this.

PivotPivotmakingmargaritas · 01/06/2025 18:31

I would be making it very clear to him that this is cruel on your DD - if he doesn’t want to ( and he could man up and see her) then he stays away for good as yo-yo contact/ parenting is too upsetting for her

RaininSummer · 01/06/2025 18:32

He is either a wimp or a liar as a decent Dad would do everything to see their child.

ARichtGoodDram · 01/06/2025 18:32

Tell him to either find his balls and see his child, or fuck off and stop messing with the child's head.

This isn't on the partner - no matter what she is doing or saying this has been his choice for over a decade.

Don't let him complaining about her kicking off blind you to what is happening - he is choosing to mess your DD around.

Original poster
Blueberry1980 · 01/06/2025 18:32

Ha ha, I like the wanker bit lol. We do not talk, I have no communication with him other than via his mother whom I have kept on good terms with but who does make excuses for his crap behaviour. He has claimed he wants to make up for the past 13 years but then had flipped and said don’t text him or call him as she’s gone through his phone and freaked out saying we are conspiring against her (the new wife). He’s gone silent now.

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ARichtGoodDram · 01/06/2025 18:34

I'd also be very wary that the decision to try and see her was him deliberately trying to wind up his partner.

My ex used to do that. He had a partner who basically said "see your children or don't. Stop messing everyone around". So ex chose not too, but then twice tried to get back in touch when he had a row with her. Not because he wanted to, but because it was a dig at her in his mind.

MayaPinion · 01/06/2025 18:34

Unless she physically restrained him, how did she stop him seeing his daughter? I’m not buying the sob story. He did a shitty thing.

Readytohealnow · 01/06/2025 18:35

FlowersandElephants · 01/06/2025 18:16

He can’t blame his new partner, if he actually wanted to see his daughter he would do it regardless.

First answer nails it

Original poster
Blueberry1980 · 01/06/2025 18:35

This is what I have wanted to say! Fuck right off deadbeat ha ha. Bloody idiot. My daughter is obviously very confused. I did not take it lightly when he made contact to begin with and was extremely cautious but he was adamant he wanted to see her

OP posts:
Spies · 01/06/2025 18:36

Given he's not seen her for 13 years it's not the wife that's the problem here.

I would be clear that actually it's not in your daughter's best interests and ignore any attempts at contact.

mondaytosunday · 01/06/2025 18:43

There’s nothing for you to do other than console your child. It’s all on your ex. If he approaches you again make it clear about the effect of his behaviour having on his daughter. Him blaming his current partner is just an excuse.

mumofoneAlonebutokay · 01/06/2025 18:45

What a wet lettuce of a man

So glad you left the bastard

I'd be telling dd the truth at this point, that some men are weak and if he wanted to, he would. Sorry x

Original poster
Blueberry1980 · 01/06/2025 18:51

I love you lot! Honestly, all of your responses have been very good and what I was already thinking. I just didn’t trust myself as i am
very angry

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Sassybooklover · 01/06/2025 19:19

Your ex is a spineless twat. His wife hasn't held a gun to head, chained him to a wall and forced him to physically not see his daughter. He made a choice to keep his crazy wife happy, at the expense of his daughter - that's on him, not her. If you don't have any open communication with him, but do his Mum, I would write him a letter and ask her to give it to him. You tell him straight, he doesn't get to walk back into your daughter's life after 13 years, see her once and then fuck off again. If he can't offer her consistent, regular contact, then he needs to stay out of her life. She's not a toy to be picked up and down as he sees fit. She's now very confused and upset. My guess is, he will stay disappeared, and you won't hear from him again.

Original poster
Blueberry1980 · 01/06/2025 19:36

Yes I fear this too. Thing is, I don’t want my daughter to think I have stopped communication, I never have and even dropped her at her dads mums for contact numerous times and he just never showed up. My daughter has blamed me for years and now blames me more, its just a rubbish situation. I have had to seem like I have embraced this new contact although I have been so wary because she is so happy about it 😞

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