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Parenting

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Original poster

Am I dealing with this okay?

9 replies

BroccoliSpears · 21/05/2008 17:24

DD (24 mths) is rather conflicted about her new baby brother (3 wks). She thinks he is very exciting, but she is also wildly jealous, particularly about the time I spend breastfeeding him. All normal I know.

She has started hitting him on the head. Really hefty slaps, poor little man. It comes from nowhere - one second she's gently stroking, the next second WHAM.

I had been doing a very firm "NO" and then confiscate toy she's holding / put her out of the room for a few mins, and then a reiteration that hitting and hurting is wrong and we don't do that, and could she show me how gentle and kind she could be to her brother, plus praise for all good behaviour.

She's really not remotely bothered by all of the above, and I think she even quite enjoys the pantomime of it all. It's a familiar game and she knows her lines ("Sorry bro") and ends up with praise from me for being gentle and appologising.

So, today I adopted a new strategy: when she hits ds, I scoop him up with a big clucky fuss and coo and cuddle him while leaving the room, saying soothingly (and loudly and clearly) that we won't stay with dd while she's hitting and hurting. Then we stay in the other room for a minute or two, door closed. She HATES this and I think it would work in terms of stopping the hitting...

... but...

...now I'm worried that it's too heavy an approach and it's going to make her more jealous and like ds even less. Maybe I should just try harder to dodge the hitting and give her more leaway as it's a confusing time for her...?

I'm really rubbish at discipline. I don't have any family or support to tell me if I'm getting it right or wildly wrong. I just want a nice, well behaved, happy little girl, and a son without bruises!

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PortBlacksandResident · 21/05/2008 17:32

I found getting my DS who was 2 at the time 'on side' worked for us. Rolling eyes when DS2 cried, holding hands over ears etc. Yeugh! at the pooey nappy etc.

Then obv lots of play when DS2 was asleep (which you're prob doing already).

Sounds like you're doing a sterling job! Even the fact that you're worried bodes well iyswim.

Vivace · 21/05/2008 17:35

I'd try to calm it down by just making it impossible as far as you can for her to reach him to hit him at the moment. So no encouraging of stroking etc for a bit. Give her loads of attention separately from the baby (know it's hard when the baby is tiny) such as reading to her while feeding, playing with her when the baby is sleeping or content. And keep telling telling her that the baby loves her (not focussing on telling her that she loves the baby, because she clearly doesn't - yet!).
In my experience the intense period of attention-seeking (because this is what this is) only lasts a few weeks, maybe a couple of months max and then they forget that there was ever a time when they didn't have a sibling.

greenday · 21/05/2008 17:38

IMO, I think it best to stay cool and ignore her actions. She'll give up when she doesn't get the reaction that she seeks.

By closing the door on her, it feels like a conspiracy between you and her new bro.

Have you tried involving her? Simple and harmless tasks like getting a fresh nappy, etc helps a lot.

I gave birth last Aug and my DD was just over 3 yrs. We bought her a present supposedly from her new brother, and always made sure visitors and friends acknowledged her first before her brother. It worked well for us.

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mankymummy · 21/05/2008 17:39

you sound like you are doing fine but agree with the trying to keep baby out of her way for a while. the way she is acting is totally natural.

can you get her to help with the baby... make her feel really important and that you can't do it without her help. hopefully eventually she will see herself as someone who should care for DS2 rather than a competitor for your attention.

and lots of love and cuddles too of course.

its really hard, you are doing great.

Vivace · 21/05/2008 17:41

I think it's just too tempting for her if you encourage stroking for her to have a quick slap! She's probably pretty cross and shocked, though it won't last.

CalmCalmCalm · 21/05/2008 19:54

Agree, keep them separated. My DD was 2.5 when my DD2 was born and, although she was excellent at seeming as though she really loved her baby sister, every now and again she'd get a bit "over excited" and the cuddle/hand-holding, etc would get a bit too agressive. We only let her touch the baby when we were right there next to her and close enough to intercept. We didn't make a big deal of it, just magically found reasons to join in with her attention to the baby. We also didn't encourage her to pay attention to the baby, just to let her find her own way with her. DD2 is now 3mths and, although we still have "incidents" they are diminishing.

CalmCalmCalm · 21/05/2008 19:54

Agree, keep them separated. My DD was 2.5 when my DD2 was born and, although she was excellent at seeming as though she really loved her baby sister, every now and again she'd get a bit "over excited" and the cuddle/hand-holding, etc would get a bit too aggressive. We only let her touch the baby when we were right there next to her and close enough to intercept. We didn't make a big deal of it, just magically found reasons to join in with her attention to the baby. We also didn't encourage her to pay attention to the baby, just to let her find her own way with her. DD2 is now 3mths and, although we still have "incidents" they are diminishing.

cluckyagain · 21/05/2008 19:59

TRy 5 minute 'Mummy and dd time' - must be every day, at a predictable time and your dd must be able to choose what she wants to do. My dd1 was appallingly jealous of dd2 and we were advised to do this (she wee'd behind each curtain in order every 10 minutes for a month until we put her back in nappies in desperation..joyful child!) My dd1 just wanted a book to herself - I tried to do it when dh was home or when dd2 was asleep, but sometimes we just did it through a crying dd2 (in the other room) - dd2 coped and dd1 was quite quickly 'improved'. She has taken a long time to 'bond' with her little sister but it has happened now (dd2 is now 3!!!!)

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BroccoliSpears · 21/05/2008 21:55

Oh I do keep them separated! The hitting happens while ds is in my arms or being fed. It really is that sudden and unpredictable. I wouldn't let dd have access to her little bro without me being right there. I don't want to shoo her away while I'm feeding him as that would really make her feel usurped, poor mite.

She can be absolutely lovely with him too, and has some very important jobs like getting his nappy out when I change him, and choosing what he's going to wear when we change his gro.

I am honestly giving her as much attention and 1-1 time as I physically can, and we always have some special mummy and dd time when dp gets home from work.

It's just this sudden, unprovoked clobbering that I need to deal with. She does it for devilment and grins in anticipation of my reaction.

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