Does anyone’s 4 and 2 year olds actually play nicely together?

[sunshinedaises]

If so any advice? I have two boys who just constantly fight and scream and cry and steal each others toys and hurt one another everyday all day and I’m exhausted! I can’t find anything that they will do together nicely, any tips?

The book Calm Parents Happy Siblings is fantastic

Your 2YO is just too young to play together. Age 3-4 when they become capable of interacting during playing and it’s not until 4+ that you get proper cooperative play. Look up the 6 stages of play - it’s fascinating and will help you understand a lot more what they’re capable of at what age. Is your 4YO at least in school or nursery so you get a break? Outside of that I’d look to setting them up with parallel activities, since your 2YO will be in the parallel play stage and just accept it has to be more adult led for the time being. This too shall pass!

Mine, same age, do all the things you mention above, but they do mostly play 'nicely' - by which I mean just getting on with it and enjoying each other's company.

They are bonkers though, all the games they play together are high energy and rambunctious.

My approach is child proof everything, give them as much space possible to play freely and the widest possible berth! Unless someone is getting hurt or really irate, I try and let them resolve squabbles.

In the summer I basically kick them out in the garden at 8am and try and keep them there as long as poss 🙃

My 2yo is not in the parallel play stage and hasn't been since she was about 18mo! (maybe younger honestly). My eldest definitely stayed in the parallel play phase longer without an older sibling. They are all different.

True those are averages and definitely all kids are different! But given OP’s kids aren’t playing together, it’s generally accepted that it’s 4+ for cooperative play which is what you’d typically think of as ‘playing together’ so my interpretation of the situation would be that her 2YO just isn’t developmentally capable yet, because most (not necessarily all!) are still in the parallel play stage, maybe at a push the associative play stage, and therefore guiding their play around that might, just might, stop the bickering!

In short, my point was just that expecting them to cooperate when the youngest is only 2 is unrealistic.

@JellyAndit does sound like my expectations are too high. Any advice how to guide play around where my youngest is at? When I play on the floor with them both regardless of what it is they end up destroying what the other is doing so I’m not really sure what to do

I used to stick to quite structured stuff. Like set them up with playdoh and give each one a few tubs and a few cutters but sit them far enough away round the that they can’t reach the other’s stuff. Then that would easily give me 20-30 minutes. Or colouring with a colouring book each and their own pot of pens. Crayola washimals another big hit but they had to have a bath each! My youngest is now 4 and they play together really nicely now and no longer any need for the separate stuff 🤣 It does pass!

Mine did at that age. They needed to be taught though. An awful lot of my time was spent on the floor playing.

One of my favourite videos is 4yr old sitting next to 2yr old on the sofa reading them each peach pair plum. 4 yr old has the exact intonation I always used to use when I read to them and 2 yr olds hand is being dragged all over the page spotting the characters. 2 yr old is loving it. They're both giggling all the way through.

I could have made similar videos of happy land play, trains, jigsaw building, model building. Which grew into den building and board games as they aged.

I took another play video last week of them having a light sabre fight with wrapping paper rolls and often find them playing Wii when I get home.

They've remained best friends well into adulthood.

Mine generally did, partly I think by luck, but certainly it helps to facilitate things to avoid flashpoints. They share the play kitchen, but we have two very similar baby dolls. If they want to play babies, they each want their own. Similar with Duplo – enough that they could both build a big structure without too much competition for pieces, and at least two of things like wheel bases, windows, etc. They practiced negotiation skills over brick colours, etc., but negotiating around who gets the one set of wheels was too much for them.

Are they deliberately destroying what the other is playing with, or is it more obliviousness?