Entitled teens

[shelle07]

I’m so frustrated with my entitled teen. He is 17. He’s broken our rules this week and we fell out. The yesterday I had to take our dog for a chemo session, and we were calling in to family to see them (it’s been 6 months). DS couldn’t even get himself ready in time so I had to leave him behind. It was the afternoon. I was so embarrassed having to explain to my family.
We have asked him all week to pick up his clothes and he hasn’t. He keeps saying he will and he doesn’t. Then when we get on at him he loses his rag with us.
fed up of him telling us that his friends can do what they want when they want, and we are always on his case. All we ask for is courtesy, kindness, and communication.

How long has this been going on? And what have the consequences been for this behaviour?

Did you tell him he had to come and see family or ask him?

Since Y11/GCSE year. I can’t get him to revise either. He’s late for the bus half of the time too. He seems to think he can do as he pleases when he pleases, and it is our job to let him - like all the other parents apparently do.
Consequences usually are stopping lifts, or blocking his phone if he has been really awful to us, or refusing to pay his gym membership so he has to pay it himself. This last time we have refused to do his washing and cook his meals until he starts to show us more responsible behaviour. He can do his own laundry and dinners.

It's upsetting but 17 year olds don't always want to play happy families with relatives and nothing really to be embarrassed about imo. I also find a household with rules a tad weird..who likes living under rules? There must be a better way to communicate with him. If his room is a mess let him live in it and if he ends up with no clean clothes to wear that's on him. He knows where the washing machine is. Too many rules and regulations make homelife a nightmare especially when he's not going to abide them anyway.

The annoying thing is he asked me to arrange it as he wanted to see his cousins (who are the same age). It wasn’t that he didn’t want to see them, more that he got out of bed 10 mins before (1pm) and expected me to wait for him. But chemo appointments don’t wait for teens.

It's hard with teens, perhaps especially with 'lovely' ones. My DDs are generally amazing (don't vape, go to lessons reliably, help around the house with laundry/dishwasher/bins and more). I have tried to be v. hands-off and also to provide admin support (dentist, etc). It's a fine line.
But they can be sullen, esp. the 17yr old (newly 18 now). We haven't had any missed events like you describe but ...
Recently, as DD1 goes through A levels, I have made a real effort not to fuss about household tasks. She is under a lot of pressure and v. likely to lash out.
Your DS probably doesn't realise how much DDog's illness is hitting him. Also, your DS probably doesn't realise how much his life is hitting him just now: mocks or actual exams and their repercussions. The British system is hideous.
Enforce your boundaries/expectations as you deem reasonable but be aware that not all teens have the depth of emotion to cope with their stress b/c they are just learning about how to cope.

and all sympathy for DDog. I hope s/he is recovering.

Our only rules being let us know where you are, how you are getting home, and when you will be home. Give us notice if you want a lift because we work and cannot drop everything at your beck and call. Be on time for school. Get your homework done before going out. Be kind and respectful.
Surely these are basic requirements in any household? Or am I wrong?

I feel you. We’ve 5 teens in our house eldest just turned 18(m), then we have 16(f), 15(f) 13(m&f) twins. And they are all inconsiderate arseholes at times 🙈😂😂. I have to say from my experience my sons are so much worse than the girls. Not sure if it’s the testosterone in the boys making everything an issue and a bit like a pissing contest. I’ve had many a sit down with my eldest lately about respect etc mainly around the shit state of his bedroom. Ignoring the no eating upstairs rule and clothes on floor. He had a double bed till Wednesday and I threatened he would lose the privilege of a double bed for a long time now and his room has remained a shit hole sooooooo when he was at work (pt as he is at college) I got rid of his double bed, he came home to find it had been replaced with a single bed….i even closed the bedroom door so he had the full effect when he walked in his bedroom 🙈😂😂 safe to say it didn’t go down too well but I’m pleasantly satisfied because he and his siblings have been reminded when I say I’ll do something I’ll bloody do it 😂😂 he has to earn a double bed again by keeping his room tidy and learning some respect……4 days in and he has improved but not yet enough. I think it’s hard for them and hard for us to have our babies morph into the unreasonable arseholes they tend to turn into for a period of time. I would set your boundaries and stick to the consequences but it’s a rocky road. I’ve no real advice but wanted to say you are certainly not on your own there is no right or wrong day as long as you still care. I tell mine the day I don’t make sure they are still growing up to be nice human beings is the day I’m past caring and that day will be a very sad sad day

I think it depends on how you approach things. Understandable to be frustrated with all of these things. But when discussing them do you take a curiosity approach (versus frustrated) and are you able to keep calm so your Teen can coregulate?

Trying to approach it as you and teen versus the problem will get better results. It isn’t easy, but feeling you are in it together will help teen to feel less attacked and be more open to finding a solution rather than just shutting down.

I have no advice as I’ve not reached this phase with mu DC yet but what I will say is please stick at it. My late MiL clearly adored her boys and would anything and everything for my DP. We now have the exact same heated conversations re him picking up his clothes from the floor on a regular basis and he is 51! So please for the sake of your son’s future partner, don’t give in.

At 17 I think i would be taking a step back from trying to use rules to make him behave how you want and more allowing natural consequences to occur. I mean, obviously there has to be some rules, but he’s really too old for punishments as such. He just needs to learn that if he behaves as he likes life won’t go as he wants. So what if he wasn’t ready in time to visit family with you? He wanted to go but couldn’t get ready in time, so he misses out. That’s the consequence and you shouldn’t sweat it.
When he says he doesn’t get to do as likes, what is he referring to? I’m not implying he should get to do as he likes, but at 17 he is probably too old for curfews and the like. If all you are looking for is kindness and communication then what is it he thinks he can’t do that his friends can? Because that does make me wonder if your rules are too rigid for a young person of 17.
Of course, he should be helping around the house and tidying up after himself. Is there some leverage you can use here? He doesn’t do the chores that are expected of him then he doesn’t get the lift he wants or to borrow the car for example.
As for the clothes not being picked up- are these in his room? If so, I’d not bother about this. Close the door and know that if he doesn’t pick up his clothes and wash them he won’t have clothes to wear! If they are elsewhere, a warning that if they aren’t gone in two hours a bin bag will be coming out.

My mother in law got so sick of my husband not clearing up his stuff at this age. There was one time where she had asked on several occasions for him to clear up his stuff and he hadn’t and went out. When he came back, everything that wasn’t put away was out in the back garden, getting wet. Obviously they had a row, but ultimately he never did it again.

I'm a parent of a newly turned 18 year old and honestly you need to chill out and stop doing his washing.

My son has been doing his own washing for 2 years and feeding himself during the day (if he's not at college or work) and I only provide an evening meal, which we tend to eat together.

Let him be late for school etc and live with the consequences that the school deems sufficient.

Stop giving him lifts if he doesn't appreciate it. If he let's you know where he is and what time he'll be back that's sufficient too.

If his room is a mess, just shut the door. He'll clean it when he's ready.

Shut the door and don't look, when he has no clean clothes he will soon bring his laundry down and then when hes whinging he can't go out because he has nothing to wear just tell him you will wash them when you get round to it my 15yo learned quickly it was in his best interest to bring his clothes down when I asked , if he was in no rush neither was I 🤷‍♀️.
When he says his friends can do as they please tell him he has a year then he can move out and do as he pleases but while he lives at home he follows the rules .

I done this with my sons trainers we have 2 shoe racks one by the door and a smaller one in the hallway yet he repeatedly left them at the bottom of the stairs so I threw them in the garden when it was raining

Your household sounds stressful. All these rules & regulations. At 17 he’s not going to change much between now and adulthood. Some people are untidy, some aren’t.
My mother was full of rules & as soon as I left home I disregarded all of them & resented my childhood.
Teenage boys are full of testosterone & always have been. Chill out.

So what if he wasn’t ready in time to visit family with you?

OP said he asked me to arrange it as he wanted to see his cousins (who are the same age). It wasn’t that he didn’t want to see them, more that he got out of bed 10 mins before

If the cousins were expecting him and had planned their day around his visit, and then he couldn't be bothered, that's extremely rude. Has he apologised to them?

It's not the same as if he was just tagging along when his parents were visiting his aunt and uncle.

I have no answer to the current situation but I can’t tell you how good it is in a few years time when you visit your offsprings immaculate home. I don’t know what comes over me, I forget to take my shoes off, bang doors, leave my wet towel half way down the stairs and leave empty milk bottles on the fridge after I have eaten their prepared lunch. Try and enjoy his company, he will be gone soon and oh boy will you miss him.

You are not wrong. You are spot on. A household without rules ffs, now that is wrong.

Good luck OP. You are being entirely reasonable. Don't relent.

Wowee. Reading the responses from some of you, you are enabling dreadful behaviour. No wonder this generation has the highest number not in work, education or training.

to the OP, you are not being unreasonable. If he leaves stuff lying about, bag it up and chuck it out. Stop financing him. Stop all lifts. If he comes at you with what friends parents do, tell him to go live with them. His behaviour is awful. And you do him no favours by not stamping down hard. He’s an adult. At 17 I was living independently with a part time job and at university. He needs a reality check, it’s up to you to provide it. Good luck!

I have a 17 year old and her room is a total mess. She says she has no time (I appreciate she has school work) but she basically does nothing in the house so I don't know how she'll cope when she goes to university next year. We were all 17 once (and my room was a mess, df threatened to take the door off) and as parents we have to chose our battles. There's no excuse for bad manners. I'd get him to phone his aunt and apologise.

No he hasn’t. I had to apologise for him. I did tell him that his cousins will think he couldn’t be bothered to come.
I just give up with him. He has shown no interest in next steps after A’Levels, we had to sort out his work experience for him (which wasn’t good enough for him), and he’s showing no desire to learn to drive. I’m trying to take a step back and let him learn for himself the hard way, but it’s hard to watch him throw these things away through complete laziness. Just wish he could find that button to ignite his drive, rather than waiting for it all to come to him.

What I’ve noticed about my sons and my daughters, my daughters are much more driven. My son became ‘driven’ and got some direction when his friends started to pass their driving tests and get cars, then he past his test and started to decide to be a bit proactive in his life. My daughters already have a plan and know what they wanna do after their GCSEs and college etc and how to get there. My sons are far more lazy than my girls in that department. It’s hard but you need them to make mistakes and realise the hard way. I mean doesn’t mean to give up, I still advice and I don’t take no shit hence my swapping his beloved double bed for a single after months of threats and I advise and point out what he is doing wrong or should I say not doing 🙈😂 teen years are hard for them but also us. But I remind myself how horrible I was, often apologise to my parents now that I’m experiencing what they went through xxxx

My 17 year dc is a girl and the youngest of 4dc. Her siblings were all very driven, especially her eldest 2 sisters. Both passed their driving tests in 6th form, already had their university, careers sorted out (I did have to arrange work experience for dd1) and now both in their early 30s, doing well in their chosen careers, married with dc, own home etc.
Dd3 has not arranged one university visit, has no idea what she wants to study but definitely wants to go next year, after 4 months of driving lessons has finally booked her theory for 2 months time.

That made me laugh. I was visiting dd1 last week for babysitting and I was still closing kitchen cupboards and drawers after her!