Normal developmental phase or because of new sibling?

[DaisyEM]

My son is almost 4 and our second is almost 3 months old. When we first brought baby home our eldest was amazing, took everything in his stride and almost found his independence in becoming a big brother. His preschool said the same - that he had suddenly become very independent.

However around 3-4 weeks ago it’s felt like something has changed. For the first time ever we’ve started having tantrums, and more recently he wants constant attention, won’t play on his own at all, wants to be in the same room as me all the time, to the point where even when I try to go to the loo I’ve got the baby lay on the changing mat on the floor and his brother sat next to him both facing me while I’m on the loo 😅

We had a particularly bad day today where he was wanting constant entertainment and the only way that I can buy myself some time to get baby to nap is to put the tv on. He’s acting up and you can tell he knows he’s being difficult, being very demanding and impatient, which he’s never been before.

I don’t know if it’s his age or due to his new sibling? It feels a bit like the novelty has worn off of having a new baby brother and he’s now struggling with having less attention 😢

We've never really had an my tantrums before or much of the struggles I’ve listed above, and I feel like I’m dealing with it all wrong 😖

Does anyone have any advice or suggestions??

Just think how his lie has changed. To put it another way, how would you feel if your husband brought another woman home and said ‘ I still love you you but I love her as well and we are all going to live together’. It will pass and the DC will play together and be friends. It is natural for a child to be jealous. The worst thing they can do is suppress their feelings as this will warp their personality in later life.

Absolutely sibling related. He's realised that the baby is staying, and sees how much attention the baby gets so he's being more needy and attention seeking because on a fundamental instinctive level he's worried about how he's going to survive if you just focus on the baby. Keep involving him, keep cuddling him, keep trying to be patient.

Completely related to the new sibling now he's realised they are here to stay!

Do you get any one on one time with him without baby? Bedtime maybe? Just to show him mummy is still very much his mummy too?

Also possibly a bad parent but I didn't take DC to toilet with me when they were baby I put them in the bouncer or Moses basket. Why do they have to come with you?

@oustedbymymate thanks for replying ☺️ I thought as much but didn’t want to just assume! I really hope we can figure things out and help him feel better about it 😢

So I do bedtime 4 times a week when DH isn’t here, but it’s a juggle as baby doesn’t go to bed until after my eldest and I have him in with me and breastfeed him while I get DS1 to bed. I do try and have some one on one time with him, for example this week he’s off on half term, and we went to a local fate thing. My mum came too and very much took charge of pushing baby round in the pram so that I could go on rides and do all the activities with DS1. Maybe I need to figure out a way to factor in proper quality one on one time daily, even if it’s just 15 mins.

With the going to the loo thing, on the occasions that DS1 doesn’t come into the loo with me, I worry about leaving baby alone where DS1 could potentially hit him or something. He never has, and I doubt he would, but I of course there’s always a small chance, or he could trip over next to him etc.

@Rocknrollstar that’s a good way to think of it, I’ll try and remind myself of this when he’s being tricky x

Thank you xx

As your baby is still really little if you get a comfy carrier you'll be able to do all your normal activities that your older one likes (apart from swimming depending on your pool's ratios!). I found big days out like the zoo the easiest as we'd be on the move so the baby would sleep or feed on the move in the carrier and my then toddler would be really interested and running around in a safe space for the day. It felt like 121 time because we just went to see whatever he fancied.

And totally agree re not leaving them alone together. I also have a dog and I spent a lot of time feeling like I was trying to solve the grain, chicken and fox conundrum 🥴

@Springadorable we have a dog too and I’m constantly trying to herd everyone out of the room when baby is on his play mat, so that I can go and unload the dishwasher etc 😂

I’ve got a carrier and used it today actually to try and free up my hands to play with DS1 for a bit, after a failed attempt to get baby to nap in his crib, but he would only stay asleep if I moved constantly, so my plan to play with him didn’t quite work out 😔 of course some days will be easier. I do just feel like I’m not dealing with these sudden ‘struggles’ with DS1 very well and probably making it all worse 🤦🏻‍♀️ he’s never acted out like this before so I feel like I haven’t worked out how best to approach it all!

I never quite cracked playing inside with baby in the carrier, but outside in the park or even soft play was ok. The garden might work too?

My steps for dealing with tricky behaviour are this. It might help or it might not so ignore if it's not for you!

1. Make sure everyone is safe. This might not be an issue, or it might involve holding him to you in a big bear hug (I found from behind worked best) so you can control his arms and legs if he's hitting and kicking. At this point I'd say something simple because he's too wound up to listen - "it's ok to be mad, it's not ok to hit. I won't let you hurt me/baby/yourself"
2. Once the thrashing stops or if he's just upset/crying/shouting I'd face him and say something like "you're really sad and mad that baby got in the car first. You wanted to be fastest! It's fun being first." Adjust for the situation. It feels awkward, but when I'm stressed over the situation having a script to follow helped.
3. Cuddles
4. Talk it through about why his behaviour can't happen and what he can do differently. E.g. tell mummy if he really wants to get in first so that you can make sure him and baby take turns.

Best of luck. You've got this 💪

I’d disagree with people saying it’s purely sibling related. I’d say it’s a bit of both. We have an only of a similar age and just recently he’s changed and become a lot more difficult in many of the ways you mention. Just mentioning it as I know some people feel guilty about having brought a second baby home, so I’m letting you know this is a challenging age even without that.

The sibling part is the one you can actually do something about though, so people’s strategies here are great. The age related part will improve just with time and firm but loving parenting. But you can do so much to make the sibling aspect better so I’d focus on that.

Thanks @Springadorable wgrb he’s having a tantrum he absolutely won’t accept a cuddle or any physical contact, and trying to reason with him or distract him just makes him angrier, so I sort of just have to wait it out and then try and work through it with him after it’s passed 😔 I could definitely be doing more to try and prevent them though!

@CloverPyramid thanks ☺️ the reason why I wondered if it was developmental is because a friend said her son who’s the same age is doing similar to ours, so I wasn’t sure what the cause was x

For preventing, the biggest things I've found that help are countdowns before leaving places (either ten more pushes on the swing and then we're going or when this episode is finished etc rather than five mins which is less tangible), and also reminding of what's going to happen and why in advance e.g. I'll feed the baby first so that we can sit and read your book while you have your sandwich. Then you can remind him of the plan and why if it looks like he's starting to ramp up.

@Springadorable thanks, I do a lot of these things but probably not consistently enough when I’m rushing or feeling overwhelmed etc. I could definitely be doing better 😢

You're doing great. You're thinking about why he's finding things hard, what you can do to support him, and how to implement it even when you're stressed and tired and just need him to put his bloody shoes on. That's all you can do. X

Thank you 😢 I think I just need to be better at pausing and trying to see it from his pint of view, before I react. I never shout at him, but I’m definitely saying the wrong things sometimes. Hopefully with a bit more patience and understanding from me things will improve x