2 year old making me regret having DC

[TheBeesKnee]

I know I know it sounds awful. I feel awful. I have a one month old baby and a 25 month old toddler and I have this horrible feeling that DP and I made a mistake and should have stayed child free. It took us 4 years to get pregnant with our first, maybe that should have been a sign.

I have heard of the terrible twos but living through it is something else entirely. I don't know if it's just him or all children. He was a lovely baby. I don't know what to do with him. He's at nursery 3 days per week and the evenings and other 4 days are a trial.

There is always Something. We can't have a day without incident. Something gets broken, destroyed, thrown, messed up. He's defiant, won't listen or do as he's told unless he wants to do the thing anyway, resists naps, a nightmare to put to bed (45 minutes battle every night regardless of the routine or time).

Today I was alone with the two DC for the first time as DP back at work.

The morning was ok. He keeps dragging the hoover and mop etc out of the cupboards and leaves it lying around for me to trip on. He can operate the locks. We mostly stayed in the garden, played. The baby napped thank god so I could give him my full undivided attention. Everything was nice. I stepped inside to get a glass of water (the sink is next to the door) and in that time he tipped a bag of soil on the deck. I was gone less than 30 seconds.

I had a CS and can't lift him so nap time was on the mattress on the floor, instead of in his cot, it took me 30 minutes of dragging him back and telling him to lie down before he fell asleep. He was visibly tired but just wanted to play in the drawers and eventually napped for 90 minutes.

He gets into everything, I feel like I spend all day putting things out of reach and still he finds something to wreck: my candles, perfumes, hairdryer, and this evening he found a spray bottle with bleach in it (Flash) and sprayed the kitchen floor while DP was putting the pram away. Neither of us know where he found it.

Everyone keeps telling me it gets better but it just feels like it's getting worse.

DP is putting him to bed and he's crying and screaming and I just want to run away. This will go on all evening and then we have to go to bed and the whole thing starts again in the morning.

You poor thing. My middle child was like this as a toddler and I was pulling my hair out. If you structure your day so you are out of the house for a bit, it might satisfy him more.

It’s worth taking the time to put those lock things on all the cupboard doors and move everything dangerous up high out of reach.

Perfect time to childproof, they have lots of options available on Amazon, it's going to happen again with your newborn around the same age so just do it all now to save more trouble.

Just sounds like normal 2 yr old behaviour. Go round and remove anything at his height you don't want him getting into. You can get these cupboard clip things so they can't open them.

It's tricky with a baby as well as they can see you giving the baby attention and play up.

It will get easier with time. there's no point thinking about staying child free it's too late for that so just put it out of your mind.

It’s temporary, he’s not going to behave the same at 15 or even in a years time.
mess can be cleaned up but it does sound like there’s more that’s you can do to prevent it, him playing with a spray bottle of bleach is extremely dangerous. Do you have stairgates and a playpen for when you can’t have eyes on him? Dd is 18 months and I wouldn’t leave her on the kitchen floor even if I was just putting a pram away.
what types of toys does he have? Does he have enough imitation and imagination toys?

Child locks on absolutely everything. Plan to be out of the house as much as possible at contained places like children’s parks with gates and fences. Church playgroups/coffee mornings also tend to be welcoming to more…free spirited…toddlers!

Childproof EVERYTHING. Saved my sanity tbh. Locks, barriers, stair gates, everything you can think of. Try to make areas he’s in such that he can do as much as possible without you having to step in. Look into things he can do on his own instead of napping as he might be starting to drop that soonish. Yoto player, Toni etc. Hope things improve soon!

At that age they are into everything so you need to childproof everything. Baby gates to limit access. Hoover and mop locked away so he can’t access. Ditto the bag of soil.

Have you been checked over by HV regarding depression ? Or do you feel it’s sleep deprivation? Both can affect how we deal with things when plans fall apart or DC do things we don’t want them to. Also routines are great as DC will know what is coming next. Don’t underestimate how having a new sibling is impacting DC. His whole world has changed and will take him some months to adjust.

It’s hard and relentless but it doesn’t stay this way (even though right now it probably feels like it). There’s 20months between my two and it was hard bloody work!

That is really rough, a CS and a toddler and a newborn. Do whatever it takes to survive it. .full time nursery under you are over the section if they have room, help from anyone you can get it from.

I think if every person got a trial run of a toddler for a week we would kill the human race off within a generation or two as so many people would change their mind and stay childless. I find DS4 much much harder work than DD6 ever was. Had she been difficult we would never have had a second, we had always said we'd stop at one anyway then changed our mind during covid. I love him to bits and wouldn't change him but gosh the constant tantrums is something else.

Just remember he’s absolutely tiny still. I know he seems massive as he’s the biggest he’s ever been and has a new tiny sibling so looks massive. But he’s still absolutely miniature and has to learn basically everything in life.

It is SO HARD. It feels hard because it’s really fucking hard. But at this age, they change so quickly - just like how a few months ago he was a lovely baby, as you say so yourself. It will be ok!

I have a two and half year old and it’s HARD! I remind myself every day that the part of their brain that will control their impulses literally does not exist yet. They’re (mostly) not being naughty they’re just learning what the rules are.

I find it really helps making sure my ‘no’s’ are actually a no. Things like the soil isn’t a problem, he just wants to play. As tough as it can be go along with it, get him a tuff tray and some water, diggers/trucks at let him go wild. But there needs to boundaries so for example we don’t spill the soil on the floor as it’s very messy and hard to tidy up, lets play with it over here where it’s okay to make a mess.

It is on you to make sure he can’t reach dangerous things but equally that’s hard when every bloody day they spot something else to mess with 🤦🏼‍♀️

You will figure it out, your whole family is going through a big change. Give yourself some grace cause I bet you’re doing much better than it feels!

Honestly my middle child is 3.5 and STILL behaves like your 2 yr old tbh. Except nap time hasn't been a thing for many many months (despite still really needing it tbh), thankfully bed time isnt a battle though. My eldest was nothing like that but actually at 6 has become MORE like this, sneakily getting into things like my makeup and perfume and ruining stuff then denying it etc.

Anyway OP I guess what I mean by all that is that firstly it's totally normal, your DC is totally normal. Secondly you have a long road before it will probably change much. So what is the bright side/solution, I think part of it is just taking a lot of very deep breaths and tidying up and focusing on the fact that nobody is hurt etc. The other part is thinking strategically about child proofing as much as humanely possible to avoid so much mess.

He's 2 and his whole life has changed at an age where he was beginning to think that he was the boss. Poor lamb.

Child-proof everything. Be firm with him as you would be normally, and praise him when he's good.

You've just had a baby and a big operation, and 2 year olds can be hard work.

Toddlers are absolutely monkeys. Such hard work.

There's nothing like having a toddler and a newborn IMO to see how hard toddlers are!

I'm not going to give you pointless reassurance that they get better. They do in time, but it's a long road. They turn into threenagers, and then you come across the fucking fours. After that it tends to run out of names to describe the horror, which is probably a sign that for most it's better.

Not everyone is going to gel with every stage of patenting. Some find babies harder, some toddlers, some preschoolers etc. If this is a tough stage for you, it will pass in time. Thank goodness eh! In the meantime, I found staying out as much as possible helps. Soft play, parks etc. Unless you're still struggling physically then the more you are out the better as toddler can run off energy and won't be as destructive.

It’s good advice to remember how small he is. Sometime I look back at photos of my eldest and my middle guy as a toddler and baby and I feel that I had too high expectations of her. She looked so big compared to that small baby then. But now I can see she was only teeny tiny.

He sounds completely normal!

It's probably that over the last ten months you've been pregnant and then had a CS and newborn to look after rather than he's become a devil child.

Cut him some slack.

Spend this weekend child proofing properly so he can't find a bottle of bleach! That one is totally on you and your DP, not on the 2 year old!

I would suggest changing his nursery sessions so that he does five mornings rather than three full days so that you can get a routine going and don't have any days where he is home all day. Hopefully, nursery will tire him out and make nap time easier too. Will he fall asleep in front of the TV or in the buggy? If so, do that. Pick your battles.

Childproof your house. Keep toys to a minimum. Pick your battles carefully. Try to get everything ready for next day before you go to bed or he gets up. Make packed lunches for both of you for example. Accept household chores are done when he isn't around. Evenings and weekends take it in turns to be with him. I think you should consider him going to nursery everyday. I assume you are on maternity leave so perhaps the nursery could move your sessions around for a while. It's tough and really hard work.

You have a month old baby and major surgery to recover from. He might be a handful but alas partly it's about timing. No judgement, you can't plan these things, but he has had a big change in his life with this much adored interloper and your exhaustion and emotional journey with your newborn will make it feel so much worse than it is. All of those behaviours are typical at that age. If they can reach it, they'll drop / spray / eat it.
He's 2. Everything needs to be locked down. If he can open a lock, it needs to be locked higher. Plastic baby locks on everything. Accept that bedtime takes an hour factor it taking an hour into your life. Let DH do as many as he's able, it doesn't all need to be 50/50 right now and let him work around whatever it making him cry and scream. If Dad accepts it's gonna take ab hour, that might release the pressure on getting it all done and might help.

Basically, just lower your standards and expectations. On everything.

Raise your empathy for yourself. You're doing fine.

Buy an indoor toddler slide on next day delivery and put it in the middle of the living-room. There is a very good chance that it will save your sanity.

Op, solidarity. I’ve got a newborn and an almost two year old (and a CS wound!) and it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done- so much harder than being a first time mum after an EMCS imo! I was naive in thinking I’d find the transition from 1-2 Dc so much easier than 0-1!

I second all the PP who have said they don’t have impulse control and are still very much babies themselves. It’s only when my toddler is (finally!) asleep do I look at them and have the chance to actually think for a moment and realise this.

We’ve had to invest in a lot of new toys to keep them busy when at home. Something for the garden like a slide or water table might give you a break and tire him out. Play doh is very popular here, as are stickers and colouring books. We also love a sofa nap now as mine is equally a battle at bed and nap time.

There’s absolutely no way mine at 2 years would have laid down on a mattress and actually napped!
I would always have walked him in pram to nap as every indoor attempt after about 18 months was fail

Do you have a double pram? Pop both in the pram and walk after lunch to see if they will both nap.

Stuff like soil poured on patio my Ds would still do and he’s 5!

Echoing others, toddlers are pretty full on. And unfortunately, with him not wanting to nap, be prepared for him deciding he no longer needs any naps at all (mine dropped his naps around his 2nd birthday). And I agree that leaving the house each day, even just for a walk to count red cars or something, really helps.

I think parenting tiny children is the hardest part by far... (I've found the teenage years brilliant ) - it gets better, honestly!

Yes another solidarity, with our 2y9mo old you literally can't do anything, as soon as you get something out for gardening, tidying, DIY, packing etc he has grabbed whatever is closest, moved/emptied/ruined/eaten it and then moved straight onto the next thing. He knows how to use stools to get to things higher up. You literally have to watch like a hawk.
However from my eldest I know it doesn't last for ever,I can't remember for sure but I know at 5 years old he can be quite genuinely helpful!
I think the solution is to lower your expectations, put your own life on hold, and live in a child proof house with none of your old life, until they are in school and matured a bit.
Good luck!