Transition from one to two has hit me like a ton of bricks

[DancingtoDisney]

I'm having one of those really hard weeks days where everything just feels completely out of control and hoping getting it all out on the post might help - Mumsnet has been such a comforting and supportive space for me since having both my children. Buckle up, this is a long one (sorry!)

Just under 7 months ago we welcomed DD2 into the world - a very much planned, longed for sibling for our eldest daughter (now one month shy of turning 4 🤯). I think I massively underestimated just how different life with two would be - and I'm really struggling.

DD2 was a very challenging newborn - horrific reflux, screaming all day etc. it was brutal to say the least!! We have got on top of this now (diagnosed CMPA, which in hindsight I should've recognised earlier as my eldest was also CMPA). Whilst she's now far more settled in terms of reflux, she is a velcro baby! Only wants me, cries and cries if I pop her down, only sleeps in the pram/car/on the boob - in short, I have her permanently attached to me!

My big girl is gorgeous and I have so much guilt as I feel like she doesn't get a look in anymore. I also feel awful as I have so much less patience on the days when she's being a toddler and pushing the boundaries (all completely normal stuff but now 10000x more annoying!!).

My house.... to put is plainly is a bomb site. It is horrific, washing everywhere (we don't own a dryer), toys strewn all over, constant food all over the floor (weaning has begun!). I'm struggling to cope and keep on top of it all. Combine this with a baby that wakes every 1.5/2 hours and a toddler who has decided she'd also like to sleep with Mum & Dad early hours each night and we're exhausted!!

My DH is fantastic, a great Dad and he pulls his weight around the house. But he works long hours, in a very stressful job and is also exhausted from the kids! We always plan to sort the house out in the evenings but by the time bedtime is done it's sometimes gone 9:30pm and we're ready for bed ourselves!! This is something we are really working on, particularly with our eldest as we just get no time together anymore. I have zero libido and am so touched out by the end of the day that I can barely stand to hold hands, this is nothing to do with my feelings for DH who I adore and couldn't be without.

I'm anxious about returning to work in September as:

1. Baby will only be 10 months and still needing milk (I struggle to express).
2. The fact that I have to return to work full-time when she's only 10months, I have so much guilt as I did a year with DD1.
3. The house and general 'chores' already feel out of control with me being on mat leave, God knows how we'll cope when I'm back full time too.
4. The exhaustion was hard enough with one baby, now we've two children I'm dreading work on 3 hours sleep again!

This is a huge, rambling message and I don't know what I'm looking for in responses but I'm overwhelmed and, in some ways, ashamed at the state of our home and feeling like I should be able to manage it all much better. Thank you for reading

Sounds like youre in the trenches but actually doing well..

For me the priority would be time with dd1. Now dc2 is being weaned I would suggest DH takes baby for an hour on sat and hour on Sunday so you can focus on DD1 a bit. Maybe in 2 x 30 mins slots. Just doing play Doh together or something so she feels special. It will make you feel better about the relationship too.

I would also use summer to get out of the house as much as possible. It can't get dirty if you're not there.

Don't worry about returning at 10 months either. My dc's both went in at 10 months my dd refused bottles and cups and wasn't eating any solids. She survived (reverse cycled but that's another story!)

Is there anywhere you can wedge a dryer? It makes such a difference and a condensing dryer can go anywhere as it doesn't have the pipes. Might be unsightly stuck in your hall but it would still be worth it for me.

Time with your oldest is the crucial thing here and the fastest way to alleviate your mum guilt I think. For my velcro baby what worked best was a very well fitting carrier and then doing big days out with my older one - the zoo, steam railways, farm parks etc.. As we'd be on the move baby was happy in the carrier being close and looking around and the oldest got regular treat days focused on them and their interests.

Can't do much about the work situation 😕 x

What can you outsource? Do you have a cleaner? I don't understand why more time-poor people don't, if they can afford it. Just logically if the bathroom needs to be cleaned once a week, and it takes 20-30 mins to do it, and you don't have time to yourself to even breathe, then either you pay someone to do it or it isn't getting done. Outsource. Ask locally for recommendations of a cleaner who understands that a home with two small kids won't be a perfect picked-up canvas for them to work with, who doesn't mind having to pick up some toys to run the hoover around. You might find someone great who's happy to do jobs approaching "housekeeper/mother's help" level like emptying the dishwasher and putting on a load of laundry.

Can you buy a dryer? How do you dry clothes currently? If you have space to put clothes on airers and run a dehumidifier during the 6 months of the year outside drying is not possible then fine, but otherwise why not make life easier and get one.

Is your oldest starting school in September as you go back to work and the little one starts in childcare?

Your second one will be SO different by 10 months, BFing less, eating solids, hopefully sleeping more. Don't feel guilty about nursery, by that age they will actively be able to have fun at nursery. Your libido is also likely to improve with sleep, time and less breastfeeding (stopping at 8 months helped for me, it's a controversial topic but BFing does suppress oestrogen and for many women that lowers their libido). At least park the worries about the future!

It will get easier xx but I'd definitely suggest dh taking decent chunks of time with DD2 now, I've found with highly strung babies practicing a bit of time away from you younger is better xx otherwise starting childcare could be really tough for her and you xx

It's totally understandable that you feel like you're drowning and never get a moment to yourself. Can you afford a cleaner? If so, I would find one asap. Ask around and see if you can find a good one and have them come twice a week, if you can, because it sounds like you need more than just cleaning. You need help organising and putting things away first. Also, can you find space for a tumble dryer? You really need one. I have two kids and I can't imagine not have a TD. It is just so much quicker and easier than hanging laundry up to dry.

As for everything else, try not to worry about things you can't control, like going back to work. You will need to find a situation that works with your clingy baby, so do you have options of nursery, CM, nanny, grandparents? What would be the ideal situation, do you think? I have FT working parent friends who opted for a nanny and it made their lives so much easier. If your DH has a demanding FT job and you'll also be working FT I would imagine that someone who is just looking after your DC and who can do stuff around the house too would be ideal, but of course it's not cheap, even though there are many different kinds of nannies and prices vary hugely depending on where you live.

Thank you all for your messages ❤️

Just to answer a few points:

Unfortunately there's just no way us having a dryer at the moment - we're in a tiny terrace with everything built-in in the kitchen and absolutely no space for it to go anywhere else. We call it out hobbit house as space is tight and we have next to no storage!! Aim is to move once both kids are settled in school, we live opposite a wonderful school.

Finances are VERY tight, we have looked in to a cleaner before and are desperate to have one - even once a month would make a difference. At the moment it's a no go but hopefully once I'm back in work and finances are settled we could potentially budget it to factor that in.

DD2 is starting nursery at the start of September, and DD1 will be going to school (I still can't believe this, where has that time gone?!). She'll need to do wrap around care as well three days a week. I teach and my husband works in Wales half the week (we live in Manchester).

A few people have asked how we do our washing currently - we rely on the washing line when it's dry and we have heated clothes horses for when it's cooler. Winter is hard work!!

Thank you to those who had babies also in nursery by 10 months - it's very reassuring as at the moment I feel awful and wish I could be off longer with her. She's EBF and the dairy free formulas are AWFUL so I won't be sending her in with that. Hoping I can express enough and they she'll be on solids more reliably by then so that she'll last with feeds either side of nursery and maybe one bottle in the day? Although good luck to them getting her to take it, she refuses all bottles and dummies!!

We really are in the trenches at the moment so I appreciate every comment! Going to book in some time with my biggest girl, had a chat with DH tonight

Ah my two are dairy free and bottle refused too. As I said above my first just reverse cycled. It was a killer working full time as she took full feeds every 2 hours at night but I managed just about and it meant she didn't need much in the day. If your little one is eating solids ok you probably won't get that anyway. Mine refused all food until 14 months!

You are killing it- toddler and baby, your husband is away half the week, and dairy free so you can't even take solace in chocolate! Who cares about the house, you can tidy when your kids are teens.

You might find when you go back to work that once you get over the initial shock, a little time away from the family (although appreciate it won't be relaxing hot coffees as a teacher) and having paid childcare slightly helps the overwhelm.

Agree with PP who said taking them out for the day is a good way to manage. And trying to get the baby down for naps and use the time to play with your eldest.

You've got this. It will be miles easier when the baby is weaned and toddling.

Hi, I only have one baby but would love a second so read your post out of interest. I feel for you, some days are so hard trying to juggle everything. Can you get a washer/dryer in place of your current washing machine? I have one and I couldn't be without it. Do you batch cook? I find that helps a lot. Hope things settle down for you soon!

I think you need to cut yourself some slack OP. These kids and life is hard.

Are you able to tackle just one job over the weekend - get the washing away? Tidy the toys?

Or just one room? So that you have a tidy place to go to?

Sleep deprivation is just the worse, can you tag team with DH?

The first year is tough. My ds watched so much TV in that year while I was breastfeeding or trying to placate dd who wouldn't be put down. I promise it gets better. Once number 2 can walk its a whole different experience. Once they both sleep or once they can both feef themselves or go to the toilet unaided etc....basically every second that passes you are getting ready for the next miletone .