Absent father

[Lucymae32]

Hi I’m feeling a little down and not quite sure how I over come this.
I was with my partner for 6 years and we tried for a baby for nearly 3 years. When I found out I was pregnant it was a mixture of shock and happiness. My partner told me he didn’t want the baby and he was seeing someone else. It broke my heart. He left and is still with the other woman now.
my baby is 8 months now. The dad didn’t come to any scans but he wanted pictures and updates throughout the pregnancy. I asked him to be at the birth but he said it wasn’t fair to his partner.
He wasn’t at the birth. When I messaged him to say baby had been born he asked if we were both ok and then he blocked me on everything.
I have since found out his new partner has given birth to their baby!!!!!!!
as it is I haven’t asked for any child support money, he’s not on the birth certificate and he blocked me on everything.
i haven’t applied for cms because I don’t want further embarrassment of being ignored and made to feel like I’m begging.
my baby is loved, happy and thriving.
I just feel deeply hurt and confused! How can someone treat another human like this?
what do I tell my little one if ever they ask about dad?
im sorry for the long post I just can’t get my head around how I get over this?
I have so many questions going round in my head and I feel like im over loading!
Has anyone else ever been through this?

If you go to the CMS then they can do the chasing for you. He doesn’t have to see your child but should be financially contributing.

I’m sorry how things turned out for you and your child. It’s not fair that you were treated this way but I’m pleased to hear that your baby is happy and thriving 💐

im so sorry, that sounds awful.

please claim through CMS. It's not begging, it's money you and your child are entitled to. You will have no contact with him, they do it all.

I've not been through it, someone will come along who will give advise on what to say to your baby when the times comes.

Two people conceive. One said they didn't want to raise the child. The other decided they'd have it, knowing this. You can't complain at what you were very clearly told just because you kept the child.

I can not understand people who are like "what on earth do I tell my child?" Sorry, but please take some accountability and tell them the truth. You knew the other parent would be absent from the point of conception, but chose to continue with the pregnancy.

I have a friend like this. Knew from day 1 the dad didn't want the baby. Chose to have him. 7yrs on he's "the bastard who abandoned them both." Sorry, but he's not. You're allowed to not want a child, ask the millions of women who make that call when they find they are pregnant.

He has to pay you CMS. It seems somewhat backwards logic to be ok with having a child against the other parents wishes, but it's asking for a bit of cash that's an issue.

You need to take ownership of your decisions and be proud of what you chose to do. You aren't a victim, neither is your child. Stop seeing yourself as one and embrace your situation.

Obviously you didn’t read my post clearly. We tried for a baby for 3 years! We planned a baby together.

thanks for your advice

@HopscotchBanana
Utter nonsense. It sounds like he was fully on board with a baby until she was actually pregnant. I had 2 mcs before becoming pregnant with our second child. He was devastated when I lost the babies and acted delighted about the new baby, the midwife who booked me in cried when she heard he left when I was 9 weeks along. She was convinced that we were the perfect family- she thought he was over the moon, as I did.
I could not even think of terminating such a wanted baby after the trauma of losing 2. I absolutely believe in a woman’s choice but at this point in my life, I could not do it.
Why on earth are you blaming the OP? She has stuck by her child and been the consistent parent. Like her, my feckless ex went on to have another child very quickly. He blames the mother of this child for trapping him! He also does not see any of the children.
For those citing the CMS as the solution to make him face his responsibilities, dream on. We are 6 years with zero contributions and all they do is tell me how much he owes me!
@Lucymae32 I am so sorry this has happened to you. If it helps at all, my girls are wonderful and are my best friends. They grieve not having a Dad who really shows he cares but they have a great relationship with my partner. I’ve worked full time and stayed single for 8 years before meeting a man who respects and supports them alongside me. I know how hard it is and my heart goes out to you. I promise you can do this. Your ex partner is the only one in the wrong here- one day your child will have the measure of his Dad. He will miss so much but hold your head high. 💐

I’m so sorry you’ve been through this. What an awful shock. Is he working? It’s biologically his child, the money is for the child. Save it until they’re 18 if you like, but don’t see it as begging. CMS, they will take directly from his pay packet.

Why should you and your child not have what you are legally entitled to? It’ll take the shine off his happy little family as well if he’s financially having to account for his other child.
www.gov.uk/child-maintenance-service

He doesn't need to be on the birth certificate for you to claim cms... Put it in an account for your dc if you don't want to spend it. But it's your dc's right to have that money.

This baby was conceived in a committed LTR and OP was under the impression he wanted a child with her, whilst all the time he was cheating.

He sounds like a child who you are better off without. Don’t worry OP just tell the truth in bite sized age appropriate terms as the questions arise. Remain neutral and tell the truth to your child. Claim maintenance.

@Sunblocker thank you so much for your reply. Yes this baby was planned and it took 3 years for me to get pregnant! What should have been a happy time turned into a sad time.
I knew cms would probably come up in comments and that’s why I have explained my reason for not claiming it.
it just came out of the blue him leaving, I didn’t even know he wasn’t happy, he had just been on holiday a few weeks before and it seemed perfect. It’s was just a shock I lived with him to then eventually be blocked seems so crazy!
I’m glad you found happiness and thanks again for your reply x

@Lucymae32 I had a roast dinner cooking and he was due back at 6pm after dropping family home- he never came back! I found out afterwards that he had taken some belongings and was gambling hundreds of pounds. I think he’d already slept with his next partner at this point. Lying, cheating arsehole!
Just focus on you and your beautiful child- it’s hard but it’ll work out xx

How traumatic for you @Lucymae32 . What he did was cruel and cowardly. He abandoned you and betrayed you at a time when you most needed stability and care. What a low life of a man. In the long run it will be far better not to have this untrustworthy immature, irresponsible shithead in your lives. He did this because he was a coward; it’s absolutely no reflection on you or your lovely baby.

You are grieving and in shock - do speak to your GP or midwife about support. This is a lot to go through. Have you got a support network?

You are not “begging” by seeking financial support, you are asking for your child’s legal and moral right to support from both parents. If you eventually decide to claim, CMS can manage it all without you needing contact. You are not weak or shameful for expecting a parent to take responsibility. His other kid is getting his full presence and support, why the hell shouldn’t your DC - his child, at least get financial support if he hasn’t got the decency to do anything else? Kindly, it sounds like your pride is getting in the way of asking for what is legally yours and your sons.

You can begin telling the story of why Daddy isn’t there as early as you like so it’s not a big bombshell; I’d frame it more around how family units come in all shapes and sizes and you’re lucky to have the two of you. When he’s older, if he’s curious about his Dad, you’ll find the words. You don’t need to lie to him.

Congratulations on your DS, I’m sure you are a wonderful Mum. ⭐️

Oh I read it very clearly.

A plan is nothing more than a plan. When the reality actually occurred, he said he didn't want a child with you.

It's pretty clear you view your choice to continue and have the baby as his fault that he's abandoned you. Don't spend your life being bitter about a choice you made. Take accountability and move on, for your and your child's sake.

He can also take accountability as he (presumably) chose not to use protection.

So sorry your in this situation op. I'd start with every family is different jane has a mummy & daddy, john has 2 mummies, Bobby lives with grandparents etc. Our family is just the two of us and it's small but perfect and it makes me happy.

Once they're older the conversation turns to how you actually got pregnant it can be tricky. Ive tried to think about what I'd say. it's tough maybe id explain you met someone who was very nice and made a baby with you but he couldn't be a daddy because he wasn't ready/poorly/had to move far away?

My worry would be dc feeling rejected (which let's be honest is what's happened). My df killed himself when I was small and often felt that as a similar rejection which destroyed my self esteem growing up.

Eventually they will know the truth but by then you will have raised them into a fabulous well-rounded happy child

Sending Big hugs

Can we stop pretending that conceiving a baby means you are suddenly forced to keep that child and commit yourself to raising it for 18+ yrs. Billions of women, worldwide, have made their choices.

OP could equally have decided not to proceed with the pregnancy, even if he desperately wanted the child. Funnily enough, he's not relevant then.

She knew from day one choosing to continue with the pregnancy would be without the father. She decided to go ahead.

Being determined to define yourself as a victim, of your own choices, is not a healthy way to live your life.

Ewww

He has no say in her keeping a baby she doesn't want, because forcing women to carry and birth a child (which isn't without risk) is fucking disgusting. It's unfortunate for men who want to be fathers, but that's the way biology works.

He chose to actively try for a baby for 3 years! If he changed his mind he should have stopped having unprotected sex.

Honestly the bitter baby mama trope is damaging

Don't try for a baby unless you actually want one

If you make them you pay for them even if you decide not to raise them

Abortion is not something everyone can do so please refer to point number 1 before you choose unprotected sex

if you want to avoid having a child with a particular person don't try for THREE FUCKING YEARS then say pass just kill it