Toddler Prefers Daddy

[Corgi2023]

For a long while it has been clear that my 2 year old prefers his dad. My DH is a very hands on which is great, but I often feel useless. I do get upset about it. Last night I asked why he liked Daddy more? (I shouldn't have done), but he said it is because "mummy shouts". I was devastated.
I have only raised my voice severely a couple of times which I instantly regretted and I was at the end of my tether and perhaps I do tell him off more than my DH. I don't know how to move on from this. I feel like such a bad mum.
He's a very happy boy but I feel like I have failed him.

Firstly asking your child that feels very unfair, toddlers can’t give rationale answers to questions like that.

you have not failed him, he’s a happy boy. Outwardly preferring one parent can often be a sign of such a secure attachment that they know you won’t be going anyway.

I would flip this on its head. You have chose to have children with someone whom your child loves and seeks out, the Dad is hands on and has built a good strong relationship with your child. That’s a wonderful thing that many many mums would like for their children. You will always be your child’s mum, and the Daddy phase will pass and hopefully you’ll then see it was nothing to be worried about or feel bad about at all

In your own words - he is a very happy little boy.
so you have not failed him !

it is just a phase, make the most of it ! either do things that need doing i.e. ironing or do things you want to do i.e. reading that book that you have only managed the 1st chapter.

You have not failed him, and ask yourself how many events you remember from being two years old? This is temporary, but do avoid shouting at him in the future. If you must release a whole load of frustration get a stress ball and grip/squeeze it without him realizing that is what you are doing.

If you are the primary caregiver, remember that this is the downside of that. You are the one that takes care of his minute-by-minute needs and because he is with you more than your spouse, it is so much easier for the spouse to shine in that "new" way, especially if your spouse gets to "play" with him, while you tend to his needs and carry the load of discipline.

So, you need to have a serious conversation with your husband about how he can help you avoid the "default parent" trap. What that means is that you need to have some rules and be consistent:

1. When your husband is home he is the disciplinarian and you both discipline in the same way, consistently. Many spouses defer to the parent that is there the most, even in a respectful way, but what that does is cement those separate roles (non-fun disciplinarian vs fun friend) that always has "your" husband preferred.
2. When he is home, you either take turns doing the "fun stuff" or do it together.
3. He must share in the un-fun tasks as well. For example, if your son is a picky eater and it is a huge chore to get him to eat a proper meal, then your husband must also take that on.
4. Your husband supports what you tell your son and vice-versa. There is nothing coming from either of you that undermines the decisions of the other, and makes it more likely that your child will always view one parent as more favorable because he always gets his way with that parent.

I'm not the default parent. We parent equally and have equal time with him. My husband has a tendency to take over anything that I am doing though be it changing a nappy or feeding him. So therefore I end up taking a back seat on things.

I'm the fun parent too: taking him to play centres, trampolining and music classes. I give him chocolate when my husband prefers that we didn't. (Not all the time - about 2 buttons a week).

I just don't think I was cut out to be a mum and it's all coming out now.

It's a faze, all kids get like that.

I had the same thing with my daughter but by the time she was 3 she was saying love you too mummy. So don't feel bad, be grateful your son has a hands on Dad, at least you know when it comes to the Daddy questions (that mummy feels uncomfortable with), he won't be afraid to go to his Dad. And you have some quiet time for you too. That's a very rare thing for most mums. All the best x

Kids do this. You’ll be flavour of the week next month. This is what they do. They play divide and conquer from an early age. Just a phase.

It's not necessarily just a phase, or if it is my 8yo is 7 year into hers so far...

It hurts, I'm not going to lie. But I also fully think we should expect to be their favourite just because we grew and gave birth to then, especially if it's been very equal since.

With us, a second child was very boob obsessed and so my time was monopolised more than I'd have liked. She remains totally mummy obsessed.

We both take them out places alone etc to try to redress the imbalance, but it's not worked yet.

We figured out that our first is very like me personality wise, so she clicks so with my husband (like I did I guess). Our second is a carbon copy my my husband and so she clicks with me more, like my husband does.

My first is very emotional and headstrong. We love eachother deeply but can rub eachother up the wrong way because we are too similar.

I'm hoping it will gradually get better. I think it has improved a bit.

Toddlers prefer whichever parent they see less. Then when they get to about four, they adore you instead. Don't take it personally.

Same here. I feel not needed. Then one evening I’m out and it’s all “I want my mummy” they know you’re there permanently. They just feel the dad is in and out so go to them more.

It is a phase. They all go through it. When my first preferred his dad I was devastated. For the third I was "ha ha she wants you not me - I'll be in the living room reading my book"

Don't ask a toddler a question like "why do you prefer daddy" though. He doesn't. He can't even understand the question.

My 13 month old daughter is obsessed with my DH. Like another PP said above, she is very similar in personality to me (highly strung, energetic) and so I think DH (uber calm, level) makes her feel safe. I don't think she necessarily likes him more (and I'm sure the same for you) however at this moment in time he is meeting her needs better.

I know that it can feel that way, but remember that it can take several years for your hormones to level out, and even if it feels like that should have happened by now you may be still experiencing some sort of lingering effects that would help if treated.

I think that as your child ages you will see less of this type of favoritism. Just avoid, at all costs, drawing attention to it.

My eldest was like this for a while with his Dad. His dad met all his active needs when he was 19 months old, whereas, I was exhausted with a newborn and trying to juggle both. When Daddy got home my eldest wss delighted and all over Daddy. Daddy would then bath both of them and we’d put them to bed together. It was disheartening for my older son to ‘choose’ Daddy for things sometimes. I’d be like “hey I literally gave you life!” However the rational side of me was pleased they had such a good relationship.

Youngest has always been Mumma’ s boy, but now in his teen years much prefers to talk and share things with his Dad than me. Eldest, conversely, shares everything with me now, from deciding on Uni to how he feels about girls… don’t fret it’s just a cycle.

I found my DS had a phase of preferring other people to me, at around 2-3. He'd even prefer my best friend to carry him around and look after him. But he changed, he's 14 and still really clingy to me now.

Thanks everyone for your comments. Things got slightly better during the week, until this morning when we were at a birthday party and he kicked off screaming 'I want Daddy ' when DH went the loo 😭. Slightly embarrassing. Trying to keep calm about things and looking at the positives.

My first was the same and it used to really upset me. He always wanted daddy. Was daddy mad. But it’s because his dad wasn’t around as much due to work so I was taken for granted whereas daddy was like a special treat. I did take it really personally (especially once when his school Christmas card came home only addressed to daddy 😢) but I wish I hadn’t worried so much as he’s gradually evened out with who he prefers and, at age 7, he does tend to want me when he’s unwell or upset which I find sweet. Daddy is the go to for playing games, etc. which is fine by!

My little one is 2 and very much a mummy’s boy - wish he’d want his dad more as I’m knackered 😂

Stick with it and keep showing your love and the phase will pass.

DC2 preferred dad but that's because I went to work and would be out of the house for 10-11 hours a day.
When I got home, she didn't want me to soothe her if she became upset, she only wanted her dad and that felt like a kick in the vag every time. I had pnd and my energy was so so bad whereas dad's energy was calm and loving. Why on earth would she want to come to my body and feel my vibes when she felt her dad's safety?

Anyhoo, back to you (sorry).
If dad goes to work and you are main carer then DC will feel immense joy when he is around because DC is with you more.
If you went to work and DH was main carer, the immense joy would come when you walk through the door

It's hard but it's nothing actually to do with you on a personal level and that's what you need to remember. If you spent less time with him, he'd be really happy and all over you.

It's not you 🫶🏼

Edited to say that DD and I have a wonderful relationship now and have done since we bonded around the 20 month old mark although she could be a bit less stingy with the affection but it's teaching me not to be so needy lol she's 7 now