Where am I going wrong with my almost 3 year old?

[Generationgame9]

She’s 3 in July. I suffered awful childhood trauma and swore blind I’d parent different and my god I try every single day. I love her to the ends of the earth, I treat her with kindness, I validate her feelings. But I put firm boundaries in, I don’t allow physical violence, I don’t give in if I’ve said no at the offset. I changed my job to WFH so I could give her more time, we fill weekends with fun things. When we’re at home we play, we read. (Alongside DH, of course).

But she is just so, angry. She wakes up annoyed, she shouts at me and DH, she throws tantrum after tantrum, refuses to get dressed/get in the car/ let us help her with anything. When we’re out, she’s annoyed about something. We can’t get through a day without a screaming fit or having to haul her over our shoulder and remove her from the situation.

Is this normal toddlerhood? I’m finding it really hard. She turned round to me yesterday and said ‘I don’t love you mummy’, unprovoked so I imagine looking for a reaction but it still hurts, and I know, she’s still 2 but I just wanted to be the parent I didn’t have and I feel like I’m somehow messing it all up. Currently having a good old sob. Can someone just let me know it gets easier. She can actually be a very loving, funny, kind little girl but they are rare flashes at the moment.

It sounds like you're very self aware and doing a great job of being grounded, supportive and emotionally available while not creating confusion with rule bending/breaking. It's super hard though. I guess the only thing I'd be considering is if she's very unhappy in her childcare setting and you're seeing the fallout at home?

Three year olds are hard work. You aren't doing anything wrong.
Is she getting enough sleep?

Thank you both. She started preschool a few months ago, and is currently dropping her nap. Which would explain it, but to be honest this has been going on for a long time, none of this behaviour is particularly new.

The midwife joked that she was already crying before they’d even fully taken her out (c section) and she pretty much never stopped 😂

I guess all we can do is continue to parent her in a predictable and stable way, and hold onto the good moments (they do exist, they just seem to get lost in amongst the seething rage).

The only other thing I'd add is the only time really my little boy was like this was when he was suffering from constipation. It wasn't obvious initially as he was still going to the toilet but it turns out it was sort of overflow coming out rather than a normal bowel motion. But he was clearly super uncomfortable and because it was his norm he didn't mention it 😢

I had a toddler like this. To give you some hope, he’s now 6 and although he still feels everything strongly, he learned to self-regulate and he’s a joy now (mostly). At 3 he was a nightmare, at 4 he’d made big progress and by 5 he was like a different kid. Just keep being there for her and helping her name her emotions and put strategies in place to help her deal with them. It might be more than just toddlerhood but it’ll be too early to tell and tbh toddlers really are sociopaths.

You’re not doing anything wrong.
just spend as much time with her as you can and love her

Are you doing too much in the name of "fun" and "making memories" type way? Just if she's started pre school and her weekends are jam packed (with the best intentions of fun) does she have any down time?

My DD is very clear on needing time at home and overscheduling or trying to fit too much into a day led to meltdowns.