Would WhatsApp be safe in these circumstances?

[Sprogonthetyne]

I am separated from my children's dad and we were considering getting our 8yo a mobile phone to use to contact the parent they are not with. It would be used exclusively for parental contact (he has a table for games), with me and Ex being the only contacts added.

My ex would like to use WhatsApp, mainly for the video call function, but I was leaning more towards getting an old-style brick Nokia and keeping it to standard phone calls. I'm not really comfortable with giving an 8yo an app rated 13, but I can sometimes be over cautious so looking for opinions to make sure I'm not being unreasonable. He mainly lives with me, and goes for long stretchs between seeing dad, so the benifits video function is understandably a bigger deal to ex then me.

Possibly relevant, so as not to drip-feed. We we also have a 5yo. While the phone will 'belong' to the 8yo, the younger one will probably also be included in calls, and is even further from the age limit.

What's the deal going to be with the phone? Is your 8 year old just going to carry it around all the time?

Why can't they ask to use your phone or tablet when they want to call their dad, like everyone of my age had to if they wanted to call someone before mobiles existed?

NB my kid is nearly 8 and there is no way I am anywhere near letting her have even a brick let alone a smartphone.

What tablet has he got? Is he able to video call on that? I think I'd look at upgrading the tablet if not, rather than buying a phone. If you get an ipad (even an older one) he will be able to use messages to text his dad, and facetime to call. If his dad has an android then he can still use the messages function, but could use zoom or google meet instead. I wouldn't be keen on an 8 year old getting a phone.

Argh when will people learn you can heavily lock iPhones down!!! There is a family setting and you can set when the phones can be used and what apps can be used and my kids have to ask for permission for every app they want to download!! If you only want him to have WhatsApp that’s all you let him download!!! And it can be set so he only ever uses it between 6 and 7 on a Wednesday if you want to!!!

There's a lot of safeguarding risks around WhatsApp.

• being added to group chats with potentially thousands of members, most of whom are total strangers
• bullying within group chats, Inc kids being hassled for nudes
• pornography and extremely violent content being shared "for a joke". You can't make kids unsee it after the fact.

WhatsApp has a minimum age of 13 for a reason, and it should really be higher. Few 13 year olds are mature enough to deal with it.

I wouldn't rely on an excited 8 year old being able to hold back from sharing his number with other kids at school.

I want to use parental controls so the phone powers down outside of set time windows, when ex can call to a pre-agreed schedule. I don't want my ex to be a presence in my home at any random time, and don't want to limit DS's tablet use to the same schedule. Hence wanting separate device j7st for contact.

Sounds fine. He doesn’t need WhatsApp though, can use FaceTime for same purpose.

As long as you lock it down and keep an eye on it it will be fine. Don’t tell him it’s “his” phone, just a “contacting daddy phone” then he knows it’s not for sharing with school friends etc

Still can’t quite see why he can’t use your phone but I’m sure you have reasons.

You could set app limits on messages and facetime (or google meet etc) to only unlock at a time you have agreed for a call. They'd be locked otherwise.

If it is for parental contact only, the child doesn't even need to know the number. Something like a sim from parent shield means you can monitor and block calls and numbers. Wiping and hiding apps from the phone would mean they could only use it for calls. Don't get anything with data and leave it at home.

If you specifically still want video calls, there are other apps than whatsapp that are designed to be safer for kids.

His tablet is, quite basic. He has a long commute on school transport which he uses his tablet during, so it's a cheap one I don't mind getting lost or broken. I also view it's limited capability as a bonus, as it means he's not particularly drawn to it the rest of the time.

The tablet doesn't have a sim card slot, so couldn't do call and I think messaging apps like WhatsApp also need a phone number (could be wrong, I'm not tech savy).

Could you recommend any alternative video call app's we could use? I don't want to rule out Ex's preference for video calls over phone call's, because it's a reasonable thing to want, especially as it can be weeks between him physically seeing them. It just doesn't feel like reason enough to introduce something to DS which could be a risk / inappropriate.

One alternative would be to get a phone , with WhatsApp and make it very clear it is NOT his phone. If you’re not too bothered about contacting him when he’s with his dad, even better as it’s a phone that just lives at home, only used to talk to his dad and put away/not used otherwise. Like a house phone. He doesn’t need to know the number or be responsible for it and you control contacts.

Or if his dad is an apple user, just get him an old iPhone and use messages and facetime.

This is abit extreme. My son has had wattsapp on his iPad since he was about 6 and my 4 year old has it (me and dh live together) but they use it frequently for video calls, the only contacts being both grandmas. But they love being able to call when they want.

we use a security app called famisafe to monitor everything our kids do and it flags up any bad words and also screenshots what the kids are doing at set intervals. I have never had an issue with it

Can she not video chat hom from your phone. Otherwise I'd advise a smart watch with video calling, they are limited to who can contact. Video quality is OK

Do you want your ex being able to see into your home though?

I’d get a tablet specifically for these video calls (ask ex to fund it) and use zoom or google chat. There’s no need for an 8 year old to have a phone and if you are only using it for video calls, then a larger screen is better than a phone. Or put them on your computer if you have one on the same platforms if you aren’t simultaneously needing it for work or other things.

Most of the time it will be just sat on a shelf waiting for if dad calls but 1 or 2 days a month it will go with DS when he goes out with dad. He doesn't need to be able to video call during this time, but does need to be able to contact me if he needs to. There has been a complete breakdown of trust with dad, so been able to call me if he wants to leave contact is a big thing to him and me.

Bit of a follow on question, but thought it might be easier to add on then going over everything again on a new thread.

I've got the phone and removed everything except phone calls, for if he needs to call home during contact and 'just talk kids', for video calls with dad. The phone is available to be answered 4.30-6.00 4 days a week (between getting home and tea, on days we don't have clubs).

Dad called on Friday & Saturday last week, and had them for contact on Sunday, but has not made any attempt to call since. I'm I just being judgmental, or is a week without a phone call quite poor form, considering the phone has just been introduced to the child with the reasoning of been able to talk to dad. Should I:

A. Message dad to point this out
B. Prompt kids to call dad
C. Say nothing and watch the relationship tank