My son is scared to go to heaven

[thaisweetchill]

Completely out of the blue last night before bed my DS5 said he doesn’t want to go to heaven, he doesn’t want to die and will be very sad if he goes to heaven. He also said he doesn’t want his dad or grandad to go to heaven.

We don’t talk about death much in our family, MIL passed away when DS was 18 months so he wasn’t aware of what happened. Last year my Nan passed away, they weren’t close but he was aware of her passing and I said she was going to heaven and would look over him with MIL. He doesn’t speak much about it so last night was completely out of the blue. When we asked him where all of this came from he said because his Nannie’s were in heaven and he didn’t want to go.

Has anybody got any advice how to approach this subject with him to try and calm his fears?

Mine devloed a bit of a fixation with death. We told him people die when they 100 and very tired and are happy to go to heaven and sit in the sun.

I know it's untrue but it calmed a young boys mind and we've never had to go over it again despite relatives dying at 80+.

I think this us too young to be honest with them, just stick with very old and tired.

Interest and worry about death is totally normal and I would always say that you should be honest and not spin tales because you think a child can’t handle it. Children are curious and they are very adaptable.

Personally, we aren’t religious and don’t believe in heaven so have never talked about that. We have always been honest with DD1, now 6. My mum died when she was 4 and she wasn’t that old so ‘people only die when they are really old’ wouldn’t have worked or been honest, so I told her the truth: that everyone dies, mostly when they are old but sometimes at other times, and that means they aren’t here any more because their body has stopped working. DD1 obviously had questions, and we spoke about how someone’s body often goes back into the earth and helps tree and flowers to grow, etc. She still asks stuff from time to time, but always just curious, not upset.

This has some good ideas of how to handle various questions: https://www.childbereavementuk.org/explaining-death-and-dying-to-children

Might it be that he doesn't want to feel watched?

He is at an age where he will be aware of what death is and it is an alien concept to him (as it is to us all). Have an honest and open conversation about it. Don’t say bollocks like ‘they’re tired/ sleeping for a long time’ as he will be too scared to go to bed.
Talk about heaven if you are religious, avoid it if not. Heaven is a comforting concept for Christians (and other faiths). And do not shield your child from the notion of death.

Just tell him he doesnt have to go to heaven if he doesnt want to. Give him a hug and change the subject by asking him about something he likes to talk about. DC of that age are served by certainty and feeling safe.

There's a lovely children's book that might help you have better conversations around death with your son. It's called Heaven and is about a dog talking to his owner about why he wants to go - and there's a sweet end to making life better for the next pet dog.
Your son is beginning to understand death and it's scary - talk to him in an age appropriate way.

I agree with this tbh, my DS was very similar at that age and we just gave short answers and then changed the subject because otherwise he would just get more upset.

He is 12 now and perfectly well adjusted, his grandfather unfortunately died quite suddenly last year and he was able to process it quite fine, I don’t think there is much value in forcing young DC to face up to the harsh reality of life at that age unless you really have to.