Is it ever okay to express concern about what your stepchild is wearing/posting?

[LastPostISwear]

For some context, my younger step daughter (is the appropriate abbreviation DSD2, here?) is 16 and quite…physically developed. I feel perverted saying that, but it’s hard not to notice, especially with some of the clothing she’s been wearing. She went to a couple dances recently, and the dresses she wore seemed very adult to me (tight fitting, low cut, with some cut-outs. Floor length, though, at least.)

The last video she sent to DH (which he shared with me) was one of those TikTok-style “transformation” videos, where she went from having messy hair and wearing sweat clothes to being all done up in her fancy dress, and doing a little (maybe a bit suggestive?) dance. It looked like something that would have been posted to social media, and I asked DH if she did or not. He said he didn’t know, but why was I asking? My first thought was “that’s way too sexy for a 16 yo” which sounds horrific, right? Terribly phrased. So I said “it feels a bit risqué to me, but maybe I’m overreacting.” He just made a comment about how he liked her hair better in the “before.”

I know you have to let kids express themselves at that age, and figure out how they want to present themselves to the world, but my instinct is still to be like “don’t let her wear that!” you know? Like I remember being that age and wanting to show off my body so that boys would find me sexually attractive and all that, and I definitely engaged in some risky activities and posted some questionable or regretful things on social media. But maybe she is being smarter than I was, who knows. I don’t plan on opening my mouth further than I already have, that’s for sure. I always dismissed my parents as being total drags and did what I wanted either way.

Do you think it’s ever appropriate to express concerns over that, though?

I am at a festival and there are a number of under 16 girls (13-15 I’d say) wearing shorts that are basically very high cut denim/cotton french knickers, so the lower half of their bum is completely out.
I don’t find it appropriate at their age, but they are here with their families, so clearly some parents aren’t bothered………

Please don’t be that stepmother, just keep your opinion to yourself. My DD went through an experimental phase around 15/16 (as do most teenagers). Her DF had a go at her about it and told her that her stepmother had even said that she looked “slutty”. DD cried for days, and it really did have a devastating effect on their relationship, and on her confidence. DD has (secretly) never forgiven her.

Noted!

It's a pity her parents aren't more concerned about how she dresses and comes across, but I think as Step Mum you are best to just stay out of it.

I think it’s perfectly okay to express your concern to her dad. I think 16 is a tricky age. They do need some freedom and self-expression, but they also need to understand the consequences of behaviour, particularly where images can be saved and manipulated. If that was my daughter, I would absolutely be talking to her about all of that. One of her parents though needs to actually parent rather than it having to be you.