DSD(10) bullied by friends

[dawnor]

DSD(10) has 2 friends round tonight for a sleepover. They’re all 10/11 and have been friends since primary. I’ve noticed for the last year or so that DSD seems sad and on the edge when they’re around. There’s been several mean comments and that have always just been put down to friendship issues but DSD is always the one being laughed at and never the one making comments.

I have asked before to DSD if everything is all right before and she just gets annoyed and says it is, then continues to want to invite them. At dinner they sat next to each other and chatted and whispered to each other, they’re all in her bedroom now and I can hear laughter and chatting from them and silence from DSD who keeps coming down to get drinks and snacks and then hovering to play with pets or younger siblings.

I just feel so awful for her and uncomfortable that we’re letting them in her house to make her feel like this.
But there’s nothing I can do unless dsd says something, is there?

Hmmm 🤔 Its tricky.

I guess the other way to look at it is you can’t just let it go on indefinitely.

She might feel ( and probably will feel) cross and embarrassed if you mention it. But I think I’d put the emphasis on not liking to see her treated that way, that it upset you. That way you aren’t telling her how to feel about it. It’s also reinforcing she deserves better, which is an important lesson to know.

The other thing I would definitely mention is thf old “ two’s company ; three’s a crowd” advice, partly because it may help her to feel it is less personal and more a difficult number, and partly as I suspect this is true.

I think this is probably a “ truth hurts” discussion that you have to protect her. But if at all possible can you swiftly follow with a playdate with a friend outside this group? Just to reassure her life can go on without people who don’t treat us well and help give her the skills to pursue new friendships.

If she’s been down for a while and you feel this explains it, I think you need to face/risk the conversation.

Rude little madams though.

Can you talk to the girls individually?

Definitely need to have a talk with DSD again once they leave and encourage other friendships.
There is a 4th girl who used to be in the group which I think helped it carry on for so long

I don’t think that would help or be appropriate. They’re not so little that saying make sure you’re kind and include everyone is going to work. They know exactly what they are doing.

I agree. It would just become more fodder to bully dsd with. It would no doubt cause gales of giggling after OP left the room.

DSD needs help to learn her own techniques of countering it.